The Final Straw

[TLight]

Ok, so the same ole lines; brutally raped and beaten by Father, neighbors, babysitter, and berated and hated by my dear ole mum. Age 3-13. Sick sht with animals, etc. videos....constant, freaking constant. Then the brutal, and I mean brutal inescapable beatings by daddy the cop.

OK, then escaped, I mean that literally....on the streets, 'taken' by several older men in exchange for a place to live. Raped violently at 18 by two men.

Married, pregnant, husband fools around then abandons me. The a procession of men living off me, conning me of money, and finally abandoning me. Oh, I had two year breaks, then the next con artist/loser/stay at home Mom wanna be would come along and I'd risk again.

Several horrifing abortions, hemorrhaging. Taking care of parents through alzheimer horrible deaths.

I was desparate, the fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, no sleep. huge amount of pain........I needed help. I was alone in the world from before I can remember.

Now scammed by a real estate agent, just finished my 36 move of my life (including homelessness), in a camper cold and dusky...

4 suicide attempts, one I was let out the door, no cab fair, no clothes, I was wearing papers, and no where to go.

Did 5 years therapy and the therapist ended up giving me a ring and then messing with my head cause this guy still hadn't proposed to me. Then I set a boundary over a freakin year ago that she wasn't my therapist anymore (cause she retired and other reasons) and the sick woman is STILL calling me!

Used by 'friends'....dog walker, dishwasher, insta roommate. And Abandoned....got out of the hospital and two Biologist friends of mine completely washed their hands of me the next day. Been told I need to be 'stronger.' I was sitting there practically comatose from all the meds in my system and yelled at: 'you're just a victim!"

I'll show you freakin victim.......really, she is on the top of The List.

So my point is: at this point I'm not even really suicidal. I've never felt love, never had caring, never experienced anything even approaching it. Can't even recall ALL the terrible experiences and I'm certainly not going to attempt to recite it here. I'm not suicidal.

I'm worn the the utter bone. Pain, fatigue, exhaustion. I mean, I can't take another bad thing, NOT ONE MORE. I'm like that woman in the Monster movie that shot the John. I can't take one more victimization. Not one more bad thing.

Oh, new T says, visualize good happy things. Take me to my damn Happy Place!

I'm homicidal! I seriously freakin hate every human on this planet. There is no safe place, I'm pretty convinced at 46 there ARE NO SAFE people, and I really don't give a rats ass.

The cashier says 'have a nice day,' and I think, "I bet ya she is messing around on her boyfriend, screwing the kid she watches, lets her friends down.....yada yada. Anyway,

HATE EVERYONE AND WANT TO BE LEFT THE f ALONE

 

[Belle]

I pretty much get the hatred and lack of belief in ppl. My best friend told me 'she thought I was stronger' and now she tries to disrespect me at every turn because she doesn't believe in PTSD and thinks I should just pull myself together. So I do get it (((TLight)))

But I am going to learn to fight properly, with gloves and get rid of the anger that way. Because nobody can make it out here alone. I reckon there are a few decent people out there, I just put up with the crap and didn't notice for too long, the nice people couldn't get a look in for all the nasties.

But hey you are not a victim and you are strong and you are a survivor and anger is legal. But it's your life, a good deal left of it, so make it work for you. Keep fighting. The anger at every single person will pass and become suitably specific ;)

 

[anni]

I never know what to write to you,because it's tough thinking I could say something idiotic so read and go click out-not even able to 'like' because how stupid to 'like' someone's pain. Still, want to acknowledge I've been here, no idea how without replying, and risk not leaving you alone as you ask if I do reply.

I frequently, frequently do not believe in people, but there are those out there worthy of it, capable of huge, plain old kindness. Some are here, being wierdly helpful just through the tenuous link of cyberspace. It's something, a lot some days. Wishing you a moment of Peace, from here or elsewhere, as a start maybe.

Anni