The Future Is Scaring Me!

[Justmehere]

I don't know what's going on with me.

For a long time, I have had a lot of difficulty in getting myself to think about the future much at all. I planed for the future, but I've been so much in survival mode, that it never really sunk in that I actually have a future that can be safe and good!

Now, I am actually thinking and planning for the future. I keep having nightmares about the future. There isn't any really consistent theme about the nightmares. When I think about planning for the future and all the possibilities in the future for good things, I panic. Even dissociated today about it.

Anyone ever experienced anything like this?

 

[Dana1010]

Particularly when I nap during the day I'm sometimes startled awake by panic about the possibilities for the future but not, as you write, for good things. It's more like despair over how I'm going to get ahead without a degree, how I'm too old to go back to school and I don't have the time, how I'll never date again. I resent the need to falsify myself to win the favor of successful people and what a pain in the ass that is. I panic about the prospects of aging alone without family, without a husband, without friends, about how long it's been since I've seen my siblings and how bad they're probably doing and how sad it is.

So yeah, if you're panicking about the good things the future has to offer, you're in a better position than most.

 

[Seasounds]

"When I think about planning for the future and all the possibilities in the future for good things, I panic. Even dissociated today about it.
Anyone ever experienced anything like this?"

Yes, and it is like I feel a tug-of-war start to happen inside. Stopping, and doing relaxation techniques, help, and as does going about things more slowly. It is a weird phenomenon to me; glad you mentioned it. I imagine that it challenges my hypervigilence to both focus on anywhere but the present, and to be so free, to plan on a future.

 

[Chava]

I completely relate to not feeling like I'd have a future...rarely saw myself beyond next week. That did shift some and I think added to some stress I didn't understand. It's a good thing, but yes exciting and simultaneously dreadful. Staying present (and present in my body, not off in another universe) while also considering I might still be here years from now is a weird balancing act. I've tried to create sustainable goals (vs over working and running myself into the ground)...helps to find things that I enjoy right now but also can extend my sense of self int the future vs damage myself. I like working on art projects and have some Pilates goals...stuff that helps me stay present but also imagine the future in a positive light, and in small bites.

 

[mrsps]

The future is unknown - that scare me because I cant control it

 

[Chava]

I relate to living in survival mode too...hard to not create pain or crisis for myself once in a while just to stay here. Part of my problem with living beyond survival mode seems to be feeling ashamed for it...like I can only feel like I'm struggling and hurting. Also, getting beyond just surviving sort if implies working on relationships...it's easier to trust nobody and feel like I'm alone, fighting really hard. I can't deal with relationships in survival mode. I know that sounds messed up, but it has just felt normal for so long.

 

[mamachick]

I have not been able to move past the survival mode at all. That in itself seems to cause me anxiety and feelings of pressure to progress, yet I carry no sense of anything positive in the future, its just living day to day and surviving. I dont know how to get past it. Also, it seems to have gotten worse. There was some things that happened a few months ago that has made me feel even a further loss of control over my own destiny-when I didnt think I could have any less control than I had. This brought about an urge to cut myself.

I have never heard of anybody who began cutting at age 55. It really scares me. Its only happened a couple of times but it happened last week. Stress was way over the top for me. I try to do the right things and find myself totally inneffective. I realized that this overwhelming urge came with severe loss of control of ALL circumstances in my life, or lack of choices. (I suspect there must be things I dont remember from childhood) that is triggering this as well.

Sad as it may sound, this mode has made me appreciate the "survival mode".