The grief that comes from trauma

[Justmehere]

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.” - C.S. Lewis

I am struggling with grief related to trauma and all that I have lost because of trauma. People, things, jobs, etc. When I’m at therapy, I can feel the grief. It reminds me of throwing up - I hate feeling it, but afterward, I feel better.

Elsewhere, grief feels like this huge heavy weight that simply stops me in my tracks and shuts me down.. If anything, I go into fix-all-the-feelings-and-endure-all-the-things mode. I don’t really feel or work through the grief.

I have a really distinct memory of feeling a ton of grief in this one horrible moment where I was utterly alone, and it was very dangerous. Ever since then, I have handled grief like it’s a dragon I need to slay.

That’s not working for me.

I have plenty of skills to cope - but I can’t figure out how to let grief exist and how to work it through.

 

[joeylittle]

I have a really distinct memory of feeling a ton of grief in this one horrible moment where I was utterly alone, and it was very dangerous. Ever since then, I have handled grief like it’s a dragon I need to slay.

That’s not working for me.

Just wanted to say, I really identify with this statement.

I can't ever tell anymore (it seems) when I'm stable enough to let my mind process things. More and more, my default assumption is that I'm not stable enough. Then again, I cope like a mofo. That makes me think that I've got those skills, and so it's OK to work on things and allow myself to destabilize, because I have learned how to right the ship.

Mixing metaphors, sorry.

Problem is, I'm not entirely certain I actually can stabilize some of this stuff, and I don't have the kind of support system around me that would act as a safety net. I think you've been posting about similar concerns lately.

So, nothing really to offer, except for - you're not alone.

 

[desiderata310]

where I was utterly alone, and it was very dangerous

I don't have anything to add to what @joeylittle said except that I also understand.
I hold these things at arms length till the knock me down and overtake me. I don't usually know that is the case until I'm underwater. Meanwhile, listening.

 

[MyWillow]

My psydoc T and equine T have finally managed to get me to take some leave from work. It starts Monday. The idea of having nothing to distract me from the pain is rather frightening. I’ve been dealing with it once/twice a week and then boxing it away as soon as I can. No advice unfortunately.

 

[ILoveLife]

I've been allowing myself to feel, it's scary as hell, seems like there's no end in sight, but I am getting relief from it most days.
The grief days used to be all the time, nowadays they're once in a while.

Just to say that negative emotions are understanbly avoided, but if we allow ourselves to just sit with them and accept that it's healthy for us to feel these things given what happened to us, we can get some release from it all.

There's hope, JMH, I hope you can feel it and hold on to it. :hug:

 

[Freida]

I'm right there with you. Just now starting to see the edges of grief and I already don't like it. :(

 

[Warrior Chicken]

I am also sitting next to you....this is a big challenge for so many of us.
That quote at the beginning, very powerful. I fear grief for so many reasons and I too use every skill I know to keep it at bay. It is a dragon or a hungry wolf sitting at my door, I want to let it in but am afraid it will take all the air from the room.

I hope we can all be brave with grief one day.

 

[somerandomguy]

I have been grieving really, really hard for a few weeks. I started grieving over one specific trauma-related thing and it kind of turned into a tsunmai of grief over everything I've endured in life and everything that I haven't gotten.

I've been doing my best not to shut down the grief or condemn myself for feeling it - major problems I've had in the past. I've just been sitting with it and accepting it when it comes. It is difficult. The waves of grief were so strong at one point that I thought I would be swept away.

It's not as difficult now. I still feel so, so sad, but I feel less so than I did. The grief is still there, but more in the background. When the waves come, I let them wash over me. I know it's OK and nothing bad will happen if I feel the grief. I can see a time in the future, maybe soon, when I won't feel the sadness as strongly.

I value myself enough now to allow myself to feel sad for myself.

 

[jaccat]

I'm currently experiencing something similar. I shut it down for years and right now it's coming back to bite me. I keep thinking I'm getting somewhere with it, that I've processed at least one part of it, but then it turns out it's nowhere near done with me and there's nothing I can do but let it run its course.

I'm not great at experiencing emotions either. I know I have to let it do its thing so I get a chance of coming out the other side at some point, but everything in me is fighting that.

 

[Invisible Fire]

I can relate to this also. I fight the grief and it comes to me in my dreams. I often wake up crying. I am not sure sometimes if I am angry over what happened and what was stolen from me or if I'm just sad. The pain of what could of been and what I did deserve but had stolen from me is painful. Often I feel if I start crying I won't be able to stop so I just keep pushing it down and trying to move forward. Thank you for this post.

 

[grit]

I can feel you are already half way through your journey because you can articulate so well where you are and how you feel.
for me, I find being extremely grateful I am here and I made it is antidote to grieving what I lost.

 

[shimmerz]

I honestly feel that it’s an identifying and allowing ourselves to feel these feelings that opens the door to good health again. Mine isn’t a feeling of grief so much, although I believe grief is there for me, but more feeling of disorientation which matches my past.

I’m just wondering if there’s a possibility of trying to visualize a different outcome were grief wasn’t a part of that memory that you have. Many times I work through these things I imagining a different outcome Dash a rescue were so to speak with that be myself or an adult.

You’re working really hard that’s obvious from your postings and you have been for quite some time. Wishing you all the best and success in your healing