The Insignificant One

[circe47]

Emi

I am so glad that you are not in an abusive home. That makes a huge difference. There is hope if is just being a "dude." My son is my best teacher about the male psyche. For a kid who grew up with an abusive father and other dysfunction, he is amazingly well adjusted and insightful. We have long talks, and he is a fount of wisdom when it comes to males and their emotions.

In a nut? Guys hate talking about ewww…..feelings. They are all logical and have an on off button. We have all the whistles and bells and cry over the itty bittiest little thing…..:cry:

 

[Friday]

@FridayJonesIs it really too much to ask in a marriage that we both think of each other's needs and try to help each other out?.

Idealistically? No.

Pragmatically? Yeah. There are going to be times when the other person is the furthest from your ability to reason. Not because you don't love, value, and respect them.

For PTSD peeps... We know we don't hate our loved ones when we isolate or are having panic attacks. But it can seem that way, because the other person -and how we're affecting them- is not our number one concern at the moment. Survival is.

For other people... Mornings just ain't gonna happen. ((Actually, if your husband is ADHD, expect mornings to almost never happen, unless he's on meds that work 24/7. Very few ADHD people can come out of the mad crazy disassociation & overwhelming montage of sensory overload that happens during sleep to wake... To be running on all cylinders, unless there's a crisis, coffee, or sex. In fact, running late is a coping mechanism to help dispel that overload: adrenaline clears it away, but we really have to be hopping! Those 3-5 times I'm late? Are usually when I was up 3 hours in advance. Got distracted. Other times it's a legitimate oversleep.)) But it's not just ADHD peeps. I have a meme around here somewhere "Some people want to have full conversations in the morning. And it's okay to kill those people."

What I'm trying to say is that we all have areas of weakness. And of strength. And to be careful about conflating one area of weakness with "everything".

2 best off the cuff ADHD resources I can recommend, btw, are

You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!? by Kate Kelly & Peggy Ramundo
Dead Link Removed

&

www.additudemag.com

 

[Emi]

@FridayJones i get that to a point. In my relationship I feel like its I have PTSD, I need to work on my reactions and expectations and intensity of feeling. But he has ADD, and well, that's just the way he is! So, sure he has ADD and mornings are a nightmare for him, so....oh well don't even try? Don't set your alarm 15 minutes earlier? Just I have to accept it? Ok, so does that mean PTSD is just the way I am and oh well, emotional intensity is how it is....

I'm just not buying it. I don't want to change him, I want him to put forth the effort like I do to show me that he cares!

 

[Friday]

Nope.... It's not like that. There are 10001 coping mechanisms for ADHD. But, unlike PTSD, some things are static. Like a dyslexic can learn to read, but no matter how much they try? Reading fast... Isn't for lack of trying.

One of the things I really have grown to like about PTSD is how flexible & how changeable it is. I can reeeeeally tweak and mess with my symptoms. Hell, I can even be essentially symptom free in time (been there, done that). Minus a few times a year when things spin out a little. Which, when you've gone from it being daily? Pfft. No problem.

ADHD, meanwhile, is a static disorder. You're born with it. You learn to cope with it. But it's not going to change, and it's not going to go away. This is my brain, and how it will always be.

It's like as if at your most symptomatic? You were never going to get better. This is it. There is nothing to be done to reduce symptoms. The name of the game is all about learning to cope with nightmares every night, and 5-10'hours a day of flashbacks and panic attacks, and, and, and. You don't get to have a bad day and stay home. Because your bad days are every day. So you learn to keep living your life, despite your brain. Driving and having conversations and working ... In the middle of the worst screaming level panic. <grin> I've done that, actually. Totally surreal. But that's the difference between the 2 disorders. 1 is always going to be present, at the same level, for always. And one can be managed down to the point of not even having symptoms enough to be diagnosable.

With ADHD... The name of the game is all about coping. Setting yourself up to utilize the strengths of the disorder, and minimize the weaknesses. Not eliminating the disorder all together. Entirely different treatment track. The work, the coping mechanisms... Don't go into changing it so mornings (or whatever) don't happen. The work goes into shaping them so that they happen better.

 

[still_i_rise]

I feel your frustrations. As a supporter, there are days when I wanna scream, "I CAN'T DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF!!! THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!"

As a supporter, I can't expect my husband to provide the same attention to taking care of house as I do because many days, he's spending all this time trying to not succumb to all the darkness that has filled his head. He's trying to function at the most basic level after being hammered by nightmares and flashbacks.

That's not to say that your issues and pains are not important. You have to take back responsibility for how they are addressed. I live with constant back pain thanks to f*cked up pelvis and scoliosis. I do what I can to maintain a basic level of pain management. I stay active and also find moments to just chill the f*ck out. Many days ibuprofen is my BFF.

I don't want to change him, I want him to put forth the effort like I do to show me that he cares!

You can't expect people to express their thoughts and feelings they way you want them to. Allow them the grace and respect to express themselves the way that they want to.

There are likely many things that he does with you in mind. You just aren't seeing it that way. And visa versa. There are likely many things that you are doing for him that he doesn't recognize. We can't read each other's minds. Talk to him.