Ivan the Elder
Silver Member
I should start with some very good news. I think I have already posted this but the news is that my Hep C is gone. It was no RNA detectable at the middle of January and again at the beginning of February. I have been feeling so much better physically since then. My feet are no longer so numb and I have good enough balance to ride a motorcycle again. I took a trip down to Victoria on Vancouver Island because my medical doctor says I need to live near sea level so I will breath better while sleeping. On my trip there I stopped overnight and slept in my vehicle. I have a really nice good sized SUV and I had it set up with a very comfortable mattress in the back along with a 12 volt freezer and all I need to cook food in a camp site. While I was going to sleep I noticed that I was feeling very good about sleeping in the vehicle, far better than I do in the apartment I live in.
It became apparent that I was feeling much better than just a good mattress could account for. Then it dawned on me what was going on. I was in MY PLACE. My own tiny home, not some really bad apartment with people constantly activating my PTSD by stomping on the floors above me. This led me to the idea of buying my own home except I can't afford that. But I can! I have bought a long 35 foot RV and am moving to Victoria in a few weeks. I will be able to have a dog again to live with and that will be so much better because I can trust a dog.
So unfortunately it means leaving my church friends behind but I have no choice, I need to get down to sea level to breath right. My PTSD is not as bad as it was half a year ago. It isn't gone, that's for sure and I still have major issues in trusting other people except at church. The idea of ever having another relationship with a woman is still pretty distant. I am fairly sure if I try that I will end up shutting her out before she can somehow hurt me or I can hurt her. That is where the isolation comes from in me along with me never wanting to hurt another person. By moving far away mentally it prevents the possibility of being hurt somehow and it makes me feel safer about not hurting somebody else. I know that cutting somebody off is going to hurt them but the sooner I do it the less harm I will cause. I have been doing this with some of the very nice women I have met at church. I just don't want to get anywhere near a relationship with anybody so after services I do not stick around for tea or coffee. I don't want to make friends but have been anyway and that is messing me up a lot some days.
It became apparent that I was feeling much better than just a good mattress could account for. Then it dawned on me what was going on. I was in MY PLACE. My own tiny home, not some really bad apartment with people constantly activating my PTSD by stomping on the floors above me. This led me to the idea of buying my own home except I can't afford that. But I can! I have bought a long 35 foot RV and am moving to Victoria in a few weeks. I will be able to have a dog again to live with and that will be so much better because I can trust a dog.
So unfortunately it means leaving my church friends behind but I have no choice, I need to get down to sea level to breath right. My PTSD is not as bad as it was half a year ago. It isn't gone, that's for sure and I still have major issues in trusting other people except at church. The idea of ever having another relationship with a woman is still pretty distant. I am fairly sure if I try that I will end up shutting her out before she can somehow hurt me or I can hurt her. That is where the isolation comes from in me along with me never wanting to hurt another person. By moving far away mentally it prevents the possibility of being hurt somehow and it makes me feel safer about not hurting somebody else. I know that cutting somebody off is going to hurt them but the sooner I do it the less harm I will cause. I have been doing this with some of the very nice women I have met at church. I just don't want to get anywhere near a relationship with anybody so after services I do not stick around for tea or coffee. I don't want to make friends but have been anyway and that is messing me up a lot some days.
