The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

One thing not great about this hell with cray Cray neighbor is I am putting on more weight again. I am drinking a bit, not heaps, but a bit everyday. It's just too stressful. I had a lovely lunch with my son though and me and my guy have laughs everyday, at least.

I can't get much done on a day to day basis and we are doing a massive overhaul of our stuff and our entire place. I can do a bit each day.

Luckily NFH has been out or we have been when she's home. We know she's doing big "case building", concocting lies with housing and whoever else she can try convince those who know no better. We have many witnesses though, called at least 4 other households of neighbors.She has been wigging out on finding out we have cameras set up now. We are feeling a bit better for the cameras.

We are so lucky to have each other!!! My guy and I!!!!! We have soooooo much love and gratitude for each other! We have so much compatability. :-) We are finally able to move on the hoarding issue. I'm glad of my approach with that. I've just given lots of support, security, patience, respect and just being honest but not putting my needs too at the forefront. I am a supporter as well as a sufferer.
My approach is working with my guy. He feels secure with me, safe with me, supported by me, understood and validated by me.

We are getting rid of things, now we have a car.:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) it feels sooooooo good!

 

[mumstheword]

So the stress is getting to us. We have been triggering each other a lot. Fighting over each other's treatment of each other's children but really it is far deeper than that and neither of us has been ever that rough on the offsprings.

We got over it though. I am dealing with the arising of very deep primal early childhood trauma and long term neglect and abuse. Despair, hopelessness, terror, petrification.
My guy is dealing with rage, feeling backed into a corner and having to fight his way out, being manipulated, shut down, attempted murder (too many) being set up, having no agency, being betrayed, being lied to and lied about in devastating ways.
I am dealing with being utterly subjegated, shattered, violated, left, abandoned, terrified, rejected, groveling and pleading alternating with fighting for agency, projecting my terrified, despair-filled childhood and adolescence onto my kid, terrified that I'm not equipped to raise him right.

We got past it. We still love each other. We mean so much to each other. Thank God!

 

[mumstheword]

Why is it so hard to talk about trauma? There's just so much I'm not ready to go into at the moment.
Last night my shame overwhelmed me. My shame is debilitating me.
I am getting in touch with self - loathing today and anger and fear of being a complete f*ck up.

Last night it was despair and fighting for my life and shame, so much shame.

S is dealing with a lot of anger and judgement and frustration at the moment.
This neighbor thing is tipping us into overload still but we have to keep it together. There can be no jail sentences for us, no hospital admissions (at least not yet for me, S is more in danger of the other,

His anger is huge at the moment, all his repressed rage at being stabbed, having his first long-term live-gf stabbed (they had split up but he had wanted to talk to her that night, but he hadn't and she went to a night club and got stabbed in the heart by some psycho bitch).

Getting involved with a BPD asshole who was being stalked by a previous bf, who she had stolen off, who came over on the night S realized there was something off about her and he was going to call off the relationship, instead the ex came over with 4 henchmen to beat and kill my darling, but he didn't quite get killed, one of them got scared and stopped the final death blow. My guy got his brains bashed in with a mattock handle and then a sledge hammer. He got 70 to 100 blows to the head. He tried to stop them but didn't want to hurt them, didnt strike one blow because he is a kind, gentle beautiful man.

He tells me that if it happened now, he would defend himself, he would have no qualms hurting them to save himself or anyone else for that matter. He was left with a brain injury so bad he had to relearn how to talk.

Lots more horrible shit had happened to him but that's enough for now.

I'm not ready to talk about my horrible shit yet and the super early stuff? I don't fully remember and it's doing my head in.
I have the aftermath to deal with. I have my mother even denying things she's already told me. I have my father being told by a health professional when I was 15 that I was a child sex abuse victim most likely, judging by symptoms), I have my other childhood sexual abuse encounters with other children (under and around 10) that I am dealing with the shame over, including being penetrated at 9, but the early stuff? Only inklings no clear concrete anything. I have sheer terror and lots of dissociation that I know was always there, but no first baby rape and 3 and a half year old rape and drugging on shrooms clear cut memories, yet, only inklings and a life of symptoms and horrible treatment by abusive f*ckheads.

I have my anger and rage and distrust and unease at my mother. Can't be around that woman. My NFH is so reminding me of mother, the lies, the narcissistic selfish bullying, the refusal to be accountable, the denial and projection, the lack of responsibility.

Once I was anally raped at a party and nearly died that night, alcohol poisoning, and my mother did nothing. Knew about it, but didn't care, I was 16. I can't come to terms with her negligence and then her pretending everything is fine and expecting me to. It was chronic, her neglect, throughout my whole childhood, and only her needs were ever a consideration.

Both her and my ex let me be so close to death or just really, really sick and never took me to hospital. They are both such selfish, negligent, dishonest, manipulative bullying, immature, harmful, mentally, emotional torturous and physically dangerous arseholes. Just like this horrid woman who lives next door.
Why, oh why can't the narcs and liars and sociopaths just get the eff out of my life for good?!?!?!

I am having therapy with my lovely trauma counsellor tomorrow, and then a peer support lunch thingy with another of her clients. It will be good. So needed.

 

[mumstheword]

I have woken up, just now, from murky dreams feeling very childlike. Sick in my guts and my head is sore as usual. Feeling a bit frozen again. The narcs are haunting me. My mother's presence looms large and painful in my psyche right now.
I'm not raging at her today, just so tired and needing so much support, looking very much forward to my admission, my inpatients time can't come fast enough.

I read about others struggling with self harm and I'm grateful I'm not there anymore. I don't want to hurt myself I want to heal!

I've had enough of misery and suffering. I like laughing, feeling good, being fit and full of vitality, being responsive and caring, being creative and entertaining, getting delighted responses and making people laugh, being a bastion of kindness and comfort and support and offering helpful feedback. I like feeling comfortable in my skin and enjoying covering my skin in creative coverings, colours and cool combos. I like writing words that elicit wonder and engage minds. I like being a loving, rock-solid, empowering and positive role model for my children and their friends. I like cooking amazing food that gets gobbled up with much appreciation. I like spending time in nature, especially with my guy. I like cuddles with him and watching or listening to something really interesting with him. I don't even mind shedding a tear when someone shares a hard thing.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @mumstheword )))
You are heading in the RIGHT direction even though it doesn't feel that way! You are being proactive in getting well, but unfortunately, the feelings have to come up to be healed if that makes sense?

I take care of my mom, and though she wasn't as horrid as your mother, I have to try to forgive, deal, and/or swallow the memories that linger, while taking care of her. Some days are harder than others.

Hopefully it will get to the point that you don't have to actually see or hear your mother in person and it helps?

Taking one minute at a time is hard, especially since you are in the waiting period, but it's all you can do.

Are you listening to uplifting music, or putting good smells in the air? I have been told that smelling peppermint can help your mood?

My heart is aching for you!!! :hug: The child part that lives inside you, the part of you that feels like you aren't a good mother, and the part of you that longs to be free from the past! :hug:

I believe that when our children KNOW that they are LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY, it makes up for mistakes that we feel like we made. I KNOW that you LOVE your kids! Of this I am SURE!!!

I am keeping you in my prayers and loving you over the miles! As I read about your struggles, I am struck by your resilience and hope, even while feeling pain and sorrow! Those qualities are necessary to healing! You ARE on the way!

Love and Hugs!

 

[mumstheword]

Most of my parts absolutely detest violence but Ive become aware of one part that feels very aggressive and while I'm confident I would never hurt anyone, this part has no qualms or problems with the thought, should it be deemed "warranted".

My guy jokingly referred to her as "Stabatha". He doesn't mind her because he totally trusts me and knows I'm only expressing a healthy level of "enough is enough" and I have a very strong moral code.

I love the Jesus "Red Words", I've been guided by Him for many years now. I love Him with all my heart. I feel nestled in that Love that has nothing to do with what churchianity looks like. My faith is very internal and I just try my best to live it, instead of loudly proclaiming anything about my faith.

At the moment my church is inside of me and in my relationship and the way I treat people and I've been like this for many years.

I'm under the weather so my charitable nature may have diminished in terms of having to damage control my life, revolve around self-care, relationship and offspring support and care, but my heart remains with "Him".

I don't feel comfortable in any church settings. I don't feel comfortable loudly proclaiming my faith. I don't feel comfortable in many group settings at all or faith-based settings.

One place I feel pretty comfortable is at our local soup kitchen/homeless shelter because it's faith-in-action, rather than the loudly proclaiming "on the street corners" kind of thing. It's just real charity.

I tried to get into social service work but that didn't really work out for me either.

This damn thing has me in pieces. I will be reaching out to that Inner Kingdom time and time again. God Knows I can't do this without faith.

 

[mumstheword]

It's the "Whore of Babylon" that I'm wrestling with. It's a maligned feminine, a bitter, hypocritical feminine that I'm struggling with. A dishonest feminine that plagues me. Where in myself do I identify? Am I just projecting what I myself possess? If that is so I intend that it comes to light in therapy. I am committed to being truthful and becoming more and more intergrated. I don't need wealth for that to happen. I don't need recognition. I just need to be kind, honest, discerning, courageous and authentic.

 

[mumstheword]

I think that I am outraged by something that is truly ugly and harmful. I rally against a force on this planet, embodied far and wide that is truly destructive and evil. I have been touched by evil and it's left a stain on my soul, I was powerless to stop it from damaging me on a very deep level. Maybe that is what my PTSD is for me?

I don't presume that's what it is for all sufferers, sometimes it's being touched by our fragile mortality and becoming destabilized by that, perhaps, but for me, it is "false witness" domestic and sexual slavery, physical and sexual abuse, gaslighting ploys employed for many years on end at close proximity by people with all the power over me, from the very start of this incarnation, and the neglect and abuse and exploitation causing near-death, loss of touch with reality and terrible depression that caused my to harm myself and put myself in harm's way.

Too many years of this has resulted in the damage to my nervous system that I need help to repair.

 

[mumstheword]

((( @mumstheword )))
You are heading in the RIGHT direction even thou...

I want to get back to you @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ and respond but I'm having a really hard time functioning in much capacity today. I will get back to you. Thanks for the continued support and love :-) it really helps.

 

[mumstheword]

I am in hiding, panic-in-a-frozen-way mode today.

Breathing in pants, ha ha how can breath be in pants. It's hard to describe this state. It's quiet, frozen panic.
It's diminished-capacity panic.
I'm going under, but I keep reaching up. I am getting a lot of therapy.
I have fog and frozen and heavy and achey and drowning states going on simultaneously.
My oldest son is going to turn up soon.
I am so good at putting on a brave face for others and for my own survival, so I'm not too worried. Seeing any of my children is usually good for me. Being apart from many of them for years, was devastating, so seeing any of them is restorative, although what was done to me by their Dad greatly diminished my capacity in many ways. I can't parent much anymore. And don't have to, so much, luckily my offspring are largely grown. 2 under 18, 5 over 18. 4 over 20, 2 , 25 or over , 1 3 years from 30. Only the 2 under 18 live with us. The one close to 30 is the one coming over. He texted me last night after I already fell asleep saying he needed to talk and was I awake?. I wasn't .
So today he is coming over for the talk and he will give me a lift into my therapy.

Therapy can't come soon enough.

 

[mumstheword]

((( @mumstheword )))
You are heading in the RIGHT direction even thou...

Thank you, thank you thank you! For caring!
I'm feeling for you that you still have hardship with your mother. I have stopped communication with mine about halfway through the year but was pounced on in the street on our way to lunch by my brother and he had mum and her bf with him, so I was corralled into talking to her, justifying myself and explaining myself to her. She knows I'm not interested in having a relationship with her at the moment. I explained in the most compassionate way I could that it was about me, me being able to handle only what I truly need to at the moment, that I am struggling and have no spare energy to give her. That I am barely coping with being a parent and partner and taking care of myself right now.
She doesn't show any concern about me still. But told me "she loves me and thinks about me everyday." I told her I loved her too. I do, I wish the best for her but I can't trust her and because I don't trust her I can't build a beneficial relationship with her.

I want to get the support I need to work through these emotional wounds and then, who knows? I don't know if I will be able to be in relationship with her. I want to be able to but I just don't know.

 

[mumstheword]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ I am planning to purchase some peppermint oil. At the moment I have lots of citrusy oils and a few fertility boosting oils and woody oils - cedarwood, sandalwood, rosewood,
Floral oils- geranium, ylang ylang, lavender
Tiny bottles of vetiver and ginger
I love aromatherapy!

Thank you for reminding me that my children know I love them.:-)
My son is having issues with his father. Says "I can't talk to Dad about anything."
Surprise surprise. No, no surprises there.

He has been staying at his dad's for a bit but says it's not good for him.
He came to me and confides in me when he is in trouble. That's so precious to me!
He is leaving in a week, travelling down to victoria with another of my sons who came up from there for a visit (Not visiting me though, he was one of the most manipulatable by Dad and our relationship is still very damaged by that. I'm not pushing things. I'm not expecting a visit, I'm just happy I got to give him birthday money and got a thank you for it)

The pain is still there, from our estrangement but not as severe as it has been in the last 7 1/2 years since I left.

I finally get my admission! Early next year. I am stable enough for this program. My Early sexual abuse T is writing up an "overview" letter for the admission ap, and my Trauma Counsellor witnessed my signing of the contractual agreement conditional for admission.

Oh Oh oh! I just received my private health cover card! I needed that info for admission.:-)