Practising self-compassion :-) Minimal suffering for this holiday!
We bumped into my big daughter today. It was quite lovely. She is more relaxed and content than I have seen for many, many years. She is open, more open than she has been since she was a little girl. She even gave my guy a hug!
She was one who bought into her Dad's framing from quite young, which was heavily abusive to myself. It seems she has absolutely dropped it. She is a mature young woman now. It's funny, her friends all used to like me, even though she was down on me from about 14. I suffered a lot from her treatment of me, long before I left her father.
It seems those days are over! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
My guy was very touched and gratified by my daughter's openess and friendliness towards us. I got a bit dissociated during our time with her, which I didn't even realize until my guy pointed out something she'd said that I didn't even register and that I hadn't been looking at her when she was focused on me, for some of it. When he pointed this out after the fact, I got really upset and felt teary and distressed and ashamed. I've only recently learnt about dissociation, from this website, and have become conscious that it's something I've done A LOT all my life. I do understand that it's kept me sane and functional when, if I hadn't done that, most likely I wouldn't be here today. I found it revealing about myself that I got so upset when I realized I'd done it with my daughter. My guy was sweet, kind, understanding and supportive though.
It's no wonder I slipped into that mode, when I think about how hurtful I've found her behaviour for many years, when I've always adored her. She has threatened me with violence in the past, although never acted on it. I used to do things like ask her to explain what I was doing that upset her or was wrong but she never would. Once she said to me "I'm angry with you because you brought me into this f*cked up world."
I think it was about her alliance with her Dad, more than anything.
He would encourage disrespectful and abusive behaviour towards me. I would see him set up the abuse and then smile smugly when the teenage children treated me badly. He would constantly call me "crazy" in front of them. He would undermine them going to school, or doing anything I asked of them.
He got them all, so except our youngest son, hooked on weed and tobacco. My "special" son ended up psychotically ill from it. Now my oldest is showing signs of psychosis.
My current partner won't put up with any disrespect towards me. I am supported, now, like I've never been in my life.
My daughter's respect toward me now, is testament to my own character, her maturity and the support I now have in my life.
I don't yet know how to feel about this, because I am still processing the grief and trauma of the betrayal and rejection and estrangement. It's been 14 years of my daughter being horrible, siding with her abusive father, basically being dishonorable towards me. I do not hold a grudge toward her, I still, and alway have, adored her. The suffering I went through though, was very very terrible, for many years, so it's going to take time to fully heal.
It was lovely to see my guy so positive about the encounter though.
I sincerely want a good relationship with her. There is no hesitation in me when I think about that, but my emotions and my body are lagging and still getting over the hurt, the stress, the millions of excruciating tears and grief, the confusion, the shame and humiliation, the lies and accusations and gaslighting, the abandonment, the tormented sense of betrayal and rejection that was my experience for so so long. I know she was a pawn in her father's cruel and shattering game, but it's still something that she participated in.
I've practised unconditional kindness, non-judgement, truthfulness, compassion and self-denial but I've been negated, judged horribly, shunned, slandered, scapegoated and stigmatized, so it's no wonder I feel pretty damaged from that, although I proved to myself that his opinions of me are "bearing false witness", simply for his own sick need for power and someone to victimize and torment and undermine and project his own unresolved, unexamined darkness onto.
Yes, I will judge him now, as he deserves it back, all his cruel and ignorant assessments of me were simply his own self-hatred and projected shadow into me. I do feel sad at how damaged he is and what he did to an already neglected, traumatized and struggling homeless teenage girl-child. He gave me sperm that became our children but the torment and damage he's done to us, how can I ever reconcile this? Maybe if he faced up to how damaged and delusional he is I could start to reconcile, but as it is, I'm still struggling, dissociating, hurting, grieving, mistrusting and worn so far down. I have a long way to go to come back from this.
So it's beautiful, relieving, gratifying and positive that my daughter has become her own beautiful, graceful, friendly sweet-hearted self towards us, but I still have a backlog of trauma damage associated with her that I'm working through. Love will prevail though, it already is!!!!!
