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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Discussion in 'Trauma Diaries' started by mumstheword, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    Millions back:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: @Seitz
     
    NinjaWolf, somerandomguy and Sietz like this.
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  3. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

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    Awwww. You made me cry.
    Thanks, I really appreciate it.
    I really needed that today.
     
    Freida, littleoc, NinjaWolf and 3 others like this.
  4. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    No worries Swift. (((((Hugs))))):hug::hug::hug:
    You are awesome. We love and believe in you.
     
    Freida, littleoc, NinjaWolf and 2 others like this.
  5. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

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    So I just read your early diary...
    (If you don't want to be triggered by your own stuff, stop reading.)
    Holy heck.
    You amaze me.
    You've been through all of that.
    And you're still able to be here.
    Not only to be here, to love.
    One thing I really admire about you, and have admired since I've gotten to "know" you. Is that love is the yardstick you measure yourself by. You love your kids so much. Even your username shows that.
    I'm amazed.
    I love that about you.
    Little you was around some f*cked up people, excuse language.
    I hate that people did that to you. I hate that you had to be there. I hate that.
    It wasn't fair. It wasn't right.
    I just want to wrap little you up in a blanket and give her warm milk and safety.
    Far out, I'm never going to get over the fact that they did that to you.
    Poor little you.
    Been there. It sucks.

    Ouch.
    f*ck.
    Dammit.

    I am amazed by you.
    Sorry if I upset you.
     
    Freida, littleoc, Sietz and 2 others like this.
  6. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    You no way upset me. I'm soaking up the Swift love. :) I'm feeling little me being enveloped in warm, nurturing Swift care. Oh yeah, she likes it.:) such a hungry for (especially-female) love, so yeah, opposite of upset so no need to apologize.

    Bummer about you being drug-tortured and controlled too, it's really really horrible.

    Thank you :)
     
    Freida, littleoc, Sietz and 3 others like this.
  7. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

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    No worries. Little you deserves to be enveloped in care.
     
    littleoc, Sietz, NinjaWolf and 2 others like this.
  8. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    So, I'm wondering how, those of us that have been actually victimized should take all the whinging feminists and collectivist-victim virtue signallers? You know the ones complaining about being catcalled at and how women are just automatically "victims" just by virtue of being female and other such nonsense.
    Riding on the back of other people who share a common physical attribute who were "victimized" that somehow makes them victims too?
    I watched my father and both grandfathers get ground down and shut down and demoralized by their wives, from as early as I can remember.
    My mother was a highly manipulative and histrionic woman and I vowed I would not be like her.
    I ended up being the one abused, just like my grandfathers and my Dad, but at least I didn't treat others with such disdain, selfishness and cruelty, although I was driven to some extreme behaviour and some very bad places that definitely impacted on my children. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to truly forgive myself for that.
    Extreme gaslighting and drug torture and slavery can do that, and yes, I did live the life of a slave, kept in place by fear of losing my children.
    Mostly he would be able to drug me into submission or just blame me and shame me and the gaslighting was very effective.
    I admitted to myself "I am a slave to love" because, well, those lives I carried inside me and brought into the world meant everything to me. Even now, when I'm in the free and honest loving-respect reciprocity with them, I feel whole, complete and utterly content.
    It makes life make absolute sense.

    I know it's not healthy to be dependent on others for that sense of completeness, but loving them makes me forget my childhood of pain and loneliness and the 21 torturous years of abuse from their father.

    Especially as he really tried to severe our bond when I ran away from him.

    There is only one son that I'm still estranged from and at least he has a good woman in his life now. A girlfriend who told him (in front of me) "if you can't love your mum, you can't love me".
    He's still very hurt and confused about our estrangement though. It hurts, but not as badly as before.
    He's the one that said "I can't see the family being able to be together until Dad dies." Or something to that effect.
    I just hope they don't get brought down by him any more than they (we) already have.
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2018
  9. somerandomguy

    somerandomguy Learning how to be myself Premium Member

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    When everything is harrassment, nothing is.

    We're having a moment here in the USA where men in some fields - such as entertainment, literature, and academia, as well as University students - can't really say anything at all without being accused of harrassment. Basically, men aren't being allowed to make mistakes, much less learn from them. A backlash has started. It's necessary, but it's going to make eveything really shitty for everyone for awhile.

    How do I deal with this? I stopped using Facebook. I'm very careful about what I read in the news (had some problems with this one recently though). And in my work and personal life, I try very hard to see the people I interact with as individuals, not as "men" and "women." With my personal issues, I have mixed results but if I step back and look at my life intellectually, I know that I'm blameless and the gender war probably isn't going to touch me personally.
     
  10. Sietz

    Sietz I'm a VIP

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    You're an amazing woman, mums.
    I know your family will be reunited eventually, I hope I'm still your friend then so I can witness and celebrate with you :)
    much love, many hugs
     
  11. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

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    Don't give any of your attention to extremists. They are ill.

    That's what I try to do, anyway... only time I engage with them are at meetings, to explain why they are hurting the community. Most of them recover after a while.

    Except Stewie... but f*ck her, she's literally insane. :p
     
  12. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

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    Also! I love that rock! How did it form? Sediment? Do you know? It's so beautiful :D
     
  13. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I had a very positive day.
    Had an appointment with my mental health nurse practitioner, it's a 10 year relationship therapeutic relationship. She's truly wonderful and seeing her, initially, was a key turning point in my life. She's written me a letter for my relocation application. She's always been so affirming and reminds me how strong I am and that I'm amazing and "adaptive" even through my maladaptive dissociation and all the chaos that she encountered in my life.

    After that, I spent most of the day with my dear "queer" son. He's a wonderful sensitive, caring, thoughtful young man and our relationship is going from strength to strength, as is his confidence in himself and his sense of direction, for his own life, from here on.

    It's a bit sad, he hasn't come out to any of the men in his family, he's only told his sisters and I. He told me he doesn't really talk to his brothers or Dad, or even his big sister and feels he is very different from them. I mean it's not that sad, I just wish he was living with me, instead, because we've had so much time apart and he seems pretty lonely and not very supported down there.

    I wanted my kids to be a support for each other, but oh well, families; just because one is blood related, doesn't mean so much, these days.
    I guess, with the amount of crap we've been through, there really has never been happy family times.

    We had fun though.:)
    We talked about a lot of things! America, deep state and the CIA, gun laws, SJW's, gender politics; him advocating for women and me for men! LOL, what constitutes harrassment, bullying, sexism and racism, what kind of comedy and humour we like, what virtue signalling is, queer issues, empowerment and food politics and compassion, lots of stuff.

    I'm so wiped now though. It takes so much out of me. Good day though.:)

    Doctor's tomorrow, me for housing medical paperwork, son for medical support for housing and youth allowance back pay and daughter for check up and support coz she's underweight.:) :) :) :).

    My son is 20 next month.

    I only have one child child left, who's 12, the rest are now young adult people! My baby girl is now the age I was when I got pregnant!

    Wow, what an epic job, it's been, raising my 7 babes. And myself.:p:rolleyes:
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2018
    Freida, NinjaWolf, Sietz and 2 others like this.
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