The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Swift]

constantly feeling guilty for not spreading more love, empathy, validation and care around, on this site.

I read this and go wtf? Every time I see you on this site you're spreading love and empathy and kindness.
And even if you weren't, you're enough just by being you.

You were wrong.

He was damn wrong. So wrong.

 

[littleoc]

I think I'll post a pic soon.

Please do! That sounds awesome!

I'm glad you had such a great day. It sounds like you did an amazing job yourself!

I read this and go wtf? Every time I see you on this site you're spreading love and empathy and kindness.
And even if you weren't, you're enough just by being you.

I agree fully with this statement.

Also, I hope your guy gets better soon! The flu is terrible... when I have it, I can't even walk! What a determined guy!

 

[mumstheword]

Sandstone from Utuh:-)

 

[Swift]

Oooooooh pretty!

 

[ninja]

Beautiful. Looks caught in motion. :hug::hug:

 

[ladee]

Beautiful !!! Love the 'movement'.

 

[mumstheword]

So I found out from my Dad that my mother is better than before, responding to treatment for her Parkinson's, she's not the sick one, but my grandmother is dying.
I have absolutely no feelings about my grandmother. I only remember meeting her once.My mum is frightened and was badly neglected and narcassistically abused by her mother.
Ok, maybe disappointment? Distant grief? At never having a grandmother? Instead hearing lots of horrifying stories about her.
So no, I'm not feeling much now, about my grandmother being on her death bed, because I never had a.grandmother (in her) and my mother was sorely negligent and abusive. I feel kinda numb about all of it, on account of grieving plenty about losing out for my entire life, already, so, no more grief feelings there.
My mum never tried to contact me about it. Instead she left a message on my partners phone. I feel undermined by her all over again about that.
If she's well enough, what was stopping her texting me?
I know what it is. She doesn't want to reach out to me. She's showing me how little she thinks of me, again.
She likes men and, I think, detests women, this is evident in her behaviour, throughout my life time, so, it stands to reason she rang my man, Instead of me.
I think my mum is frightened of me too, she doesn't want to face herself and doesn't believe in me. I'm sick of charades, so I have no time to pussyfoot around her delicateness anymore. Am I a hard, cold woman? I think just a very neglected, maligned woman tired of manipulators and narcy types.
I'm ok with missing out on family if it means I can safely be myself and not a fake, a cucky lady and basically invisible anyway.

 

[mumstheword]

T

Please do! That sounds awesome!

I'm glad you had such a great day. It sounds like you did an amazing...

Thanks @littleoc :-) I think I did alright too. I bailed on my nearly 20 year old son, who I usually have lunch with on the weekend as I'm not so great today. I feel like I'm finally having to come out of hiding about having this thing, to family that care, and want to spend time with me. I will see him tomorrow though.:-) my guy is a write off today, just so headachey and sick. He's sleeping on the couch at the moment.
Thank you for basically saying I'm "enough" and validating me. I want that to sink in. I've worked so hard to make that something I can be convinced of, but getting more unwell has really shaken my sense of "I'm ok."
I still, really, want to just isolate and pretty much avoid everyone. Being social feels really exhausting.

 

[ILoveLife]

Beautiful sandstone! :)

Hey, your family sucks. I hate that they would treat you that way, you deserve affection and respect and compassion for your struggles.
I'm glad you have your guy and that things are slowly getting better with you and your kids.
I'm positive it will all solve itself the right way, you don't give up. I really admire you for it.
Million hugs :hug::hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I read this and go wtf? Every time I see you on this site you're spreading love and empathy and kindness....

Hehe funny old cognitive distortions. I can "know" it intellectually, but feeling it, is another thing.
I'm just a fish out of water here though (as in, where I live, not this site) and I've tried so hard to "fit in" but I've failed miserably.
I like spreading my heart-care where I can, because I do feel love for humanity and certain individuals are receptive and "safer" to show that to.
Your Spirit and Wit and integrity are very easy to warm to @Swift. You've been.through so much and you're still an incredibly resourceful, compassionate, authentic, gritty, intelligent and admirable person, from what I've seen of you, so you're very easy to feel love and awe and deep respect and care for.

 

[mumstheword]

O

No need. You're one of my rocks here. You're a mum and mums, and a good one at that. Caring, so caring. Y...

Oh Sietz :-) I'm reading your diary and quietly applauding as you work through and grow, going from strength to strength and facing what needs to be faced.

I feel like I've "met" a kindred soul in you.

I'm so happy that you are figuring what you want and need and that you are open to love and deciding to be so so brave and courageous about opening your heart and finding someone.
I Think you are utterly beautiful, just from reading you and I am putting out for you to be surrounded by loving kindness of those that appreciate you and see that too.

 

[ILoveLife]

Shit, now you've made me tear up.:oops:
You're the kindest person I know, you deserve the most wonderful of all loves. Fairytale adventures of slaying those dragons and enchanting crystals :D
Million hugs:hug: