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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Discussion in 'Trauma Diaries' started by mumstheword, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    To tell you the truth, it's the lack of honesty, accountability and her knee-jerk denialist habit, that makes relationship with her intolerable.

    My ex is the same. They can't admit fault. My mum is not so bad, she will wring her hands kind of thing, but it's just the kind of admission that feels like pity-me emotional manipulation, so I still resent it.

    I know she's a bit scared-guilty when It comes to me, but, really, just admitting you've hurt someone and you're sorry, is really all that's required, to start to repair the relationship, as long as it's genuine remorse.

    I just know that I'm going to be the one that is all in the wrong, and "crazy" because I've not responded.
    I'm operating on what she taught me as a child "if you can't say anything "nice" don't say anything at all." That's what she wants so, really, I'm just being respectful of her wishes.

    There, I needed to remind myself of that. I feel better about myself now.
    I twist myself in knots thinking about having to talk to her at all.

    44 years of someone relating to you in a way that causes you misery, is enough.
    I'm sorry Ma, I am not "the strong one" anymore. I'm not the "nice one", I'm just an unwell lady with a severe and chronic stress disorder that's inflamed my brain, doing my best to be here for my kids.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
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  3. Sietz

    Sietz I'm a VIP

    That's more than enough.
    You don't owe her anything.
  4. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    None of these make you a crappy person. These are acknowledgements of the life your mom chose to live. You can't fix her. Nothing you do, or say, or think, will change who she is. You see her for who she is -- and you still have enough compassion to want to help her be a happier more loving person-- even at huge risks to you.

    This! You became the mom you wanted. You didn't continue the cycle of abuse. You ended it and brought in a culture of love and kindness for your children And you did it while living in a horrific situation filled with abuse. That is impressive!!!!
    Sietz, Swift, mumstheword and 2 others like this.
  5. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

    There's a joke in my friend group where some of us have especially shit parents. (Several of us have PTSD too, so that's fun.) We like to joke, when we hear someone complaining about what their mom or dad did that sounded like our really bad parent, "You [mom/dad] should marry my [mom/dad]."

    So... not that I'm definitely saying your mom is a psychopath, but... your mom should marry my dad.

    (Same to you, @Swift, but I felt the joke might have been weird in the context I thought of it last)

    It's awful to be viewed as a tragedy when you're not. Being a tragedy is when you believe money will get you everything you want, and that you will get the American Dream just because you tried (looking at you, Mr. Gatsby). It upsets me that people would be talking about you that way, because you're not that at all.

    Not that this is particularly on topic, but I just thought maybe it should be said :)
    Freida, Sietz, Swift and 2 others like this.
  6. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    Lovely @ladee. I hope you come back soon. You are one of those people that make this site the warm, welcoming, kind and understanding sanctuary, that it is.
    I'm glad I inspire you on the mothering front. It must be hard to lose contact and still be separate from your son, because of abuse. One (maybe two? I'm not sure) of my sons and I are a little like that, still, and it's been very painful.
    Thank you for your warm appraisal. It's kindness like that, that is really helping me heal.
    To be "seen" must be an actual need, because I know when I was constantly maligned, it was slowly destroying me.
    It was like no matter what I did, none of it mattered or was appreciated. Now, I feel appreciated everyday, and it's like a nutrient, I was starving for the lack of.
    I want you to know that you are hugely appreciated by me, too. Love you lots! @ladee
    Freida, Sietz, somerandomguy and 2 others like this.
  7. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    Hahaha My mum and your Dad .... Diabolical. :laugh:My mum likes men she can control, your Dad would be very scary for her. She thinks my guy is "intense" but still likes him coz he's kind and helpful. She likes him a bit too much, for my liking.
    Her guy now, isn't very nice, but he's just a very immature whinger who is heaps selfish, like her. They don't really like people at all, neither of them. Sad.

    Another psychopath tried to get my guy to beat me up, with him. He was hanging out with my guy. I broke up with my guy, because of that guy, his name was Guy. I was really worried for my guy and his boys, who were both living with him at the time. I'm pretty sure that psychopath guy has killed someone else since then. Luckily my guy got out of the clutches of that guy. He hated me so much.

    Now my kid tells me he's psychopathic but has morals because of me. My youngest seems to have inherited the sadistic-devoid-of-empathy-gene from his Dad, but I give him lots of love and we talk a lot and I'm praying he's ok. I said last night "what if I was abusive?" He said "I'd be a murderer". It freaks me a little sometimes. I hope my love and compassionate morality rub off on him enough. I don't think he's a bad person like his Dad. I think he's a very intelligent kid (I know he is, both he and I score 145 on IQ test) I just hope the love and care I provide is enough to help him put stops on the stuff he might do, otherwise.
    It was one of the reasons I had to get away from his Dad. Even when he was a baby he was a very violent and aggressive little boy. I knew he would become a terrible criminal gang leader or something, because of where we live, lots of kids around here become thuggy crims. My daughter's guy friend from preschool just stabbed someone. It's horrible. So much drugs and misery. I have a lot of hope for my kid though. I love him very much. My guy helps me with him too. He doesn't even go down to his Dad's anymore. He doesn't like the druggy lifestyle. I think he wants to be a good person, because he loves me. That means a lot to me. I just want all my kids to be decent people, then I'll die happy.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
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  8. Swift

    Swift Well-Known Member

    @littleoc lol, Max and I have that joke too. "I ship it" because we're fanfiction nutjobs.
    And @mumstheword....
    There's a huge huge huge difference between not putting up with abusive behaviour and engaging in abuse.
    Your mum wants you to see them both the same way - your refusal to engage is "just as bad" as her actively being a dick.
    It's not. Not in any way. But that's what she paints it as. (Mine does the same thing. "You won't let me 'talk' to you about anything!!!" Is apparently as bad as the things she says. Not true.)
    Wearing my neuroscience hat for a sec, apologies if you already know this, but psychopathy is visible as a brain malformation. The guy who discovered this tried to scan his brain to use as a "normal" control brain.... and discovered he had a psychopathic brain, not a normal one, which cracks me up.
    It can be genetic.
    It wouldn't surprise me if your son had a psychopathic brain that he inherited from his father.
    Differences in nurture make the differences in the outcomes for people with psychopathic brains.
    So yeah, the fact your son hasn't turned to a life of crime is probably entirely due to your influence.
    Obvs I don't/can't know whether your son has that kind of brain or not, but it makes for an interesting google.
    Freida, mumstheword, Sietz and 2 others like this.
  9. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

    Maybe he’s not psychopathic, also, since we’re talking about it.

    My mom assumed that of my little brother because he was always acting out.

    Turns out the opposite was true. He was seeing a world he didn’t like from as early as one month old. Sure, he bit my mom’s breast and would laugh like it was hilarious, but he was also an infant.

    He was traumatized from an early age. Him acting out was him dealing with that. Him trying not to engage with anyone was him avoiding more hurt. Him acting out more violently in his youth? Trauma, depression, anxiety, and being taught the wrong ways to cope with it by his psycho dad.

    My mom didn’t know what trauma or depression looks like in men, and assumed he might be a psychopath. Therapy proved that idea very wrong. He needed support and to make sense of the world in a new way.

    It’s possible that as he matures you’ll see him adjust multiple times. If he knows you’d be disappointed in him if he hurt a woman, and he respects that? Maybe it’s more than just a well behaved psychopath :D

    I’m not a psychologist though, but I’m just saying that it might be helpful to hold your doubts out to.

    My little brother is currently married to a woman who won’t put up with shit. And she’s aware he has a temper and doesn’t handle anxiety well. But he also loves cats.

    Also ditto at the “I’ll ship it” thing @Swift! :p
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  10. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    I say that kind of thing to my kid. I throw doubt on his assertions, all the time.
    I would love to see what his brain looks like.
    He would be the kind of kid who would be good to study as he's growing quite honest, self aware and articulate.
    We talk candidly about a lot of things.
    It's quite possible that it's mainly nurture from early trauma and having a total empathyless dick for a Dad.
    He could be a bit on the autism spectrum as well.
    He tells me he likes hurting people but he doesn't do it. He has a very emotionless deadpan way about him, but I don't think he is empathyless, although he often tells me that he feels no empathy.
    He says he's a sadist.
    He used to say "I'm psychopathic but I have morals; don't be a dick and don't hurt animals."
    I hope he grows out of this obsession with violence and control and his crazy, f*cked up torture and destruction fantasies.
    Having said that, he's soooooo much better to be around than he used to be.
    He doesn't want to be a thugy drug dealer like so many other's are, around here. He doesn't want to be a druggy at all. He is super bright and conversational, enjoys talking sciences, social sciences, morality, psychology, philosophy, pokemon, animae, verbal sparring, quantum physics theory, history, all kinds of things.
    It's hard being a super bright kid, but at least he has me and my guy to talk to and be intellectually stimulated. Last night he and I talked about eugenics, he has ideas that freak me out, talks like an elite meglomanic type sometimes. I'm glad he was born to me and not the Rothschilds or the Rockerfellers or some such Bilderberger type of elites. I'm glad he wasn't born in Nazi Germany too.
    I think the nurture and the intelligence helps and that my love for him will make a difference. I have to think like that, the alternative is terrifying.
    He's only twelve. I pray that he matures into the kind of man I can be proud to say I raised.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
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  11. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    This morning consisted of triggeredness, crying, curling up in bed and Netflix. My guy did stuff that reminded me of my ex and I was running too late for my NIA class so I just gave up, got upset and had a wee vent and spack out (Aussie for tantrum, yep, another one) . Lucky I didn't go to town coz nearly-20-year-old son came up and we went for a beautiful walk in the beautiful winter sunshine:inlove:.
    He told me how, his next brother (not my "special" son) up "tried to kill himself a bunch of times" this was before his Dad eventually got too far out of his depth and allowed me in, to minister to my kid, last year.

    At least he's not such a psycho that he wants to drive his kids over the edge. He's actually trying to be a good parent now. Not that he's doing an awesome job, but he's not trying to ruin their lives.

    He actively tried to drive me away from my children and when he couldn't do that, he abused me and gaslit me and drugged me and sleep deprived me and slandered me until I got so f*cking ill, and then he abused me some more. Made up lies about me, started rumours "I was a psychopath" " I was having affairs" "I was a hypochondriac" "I was a child torturer" manipulated my older kids into dropping out of school. Got most of them hooked on weed and tobacco, encouraged reckless use of illicit street drugs, steadfastly denied our autistic child has anything wrong or needed any extra help, basically mismanaged him until he got extremely psychotically ill and then dumped him on my doorstep, when I lived in the ghetto without telling me and I wasn't even home, kicked him out again when he had another psychotic break the year before last. Threw him out on the street. Luckily my oldest son brought him up to my place and we nursed him back to stability. This is just some of the crap shit he does/has done to us.
    He still denies there is anything amiss about our special son, but he's only allowed to see him once a month now. Thank God, coz he, basically, destabalizes him everytime.

    My special son told me once "I'm afraid to come to you, mum, I'm afraid that Dad will reject me."
    I think he's been worn down now, he hates the idea of the children coming to me, it's like a sign of defeat for him, but it's made our children so f*cked up we've nearly lost a number of them to suicide. That wouldn't be a win for him.
    I don't tank them up with any kind of hate for him, that would be child abuse on my part and stooping to his crappy malevolent tactics, I do try to support them to see through manipulation and the pitfalls of a drug-abuse-to-avoid-hard-stuff type of approach though. Their dad is a criminal. I don't want them to fall prey to his values, but there's only so much I can do to offset his influence.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
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  12. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

    It’s not right to reject a kid like that.

    I’m so glad they have you.
    Freida, somerandomguy, Swift and 2 others like this.
  13. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    My nearly-20-year-old son just volunteered an "I love you" and hugged me, while we were out walking today.:happy:
    I can't wait til we get our place together.
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