The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Freida]

that there's a part of me that believes it's not possible for anyone to care about me.

Tell that part it is wrong - and then give it a hug from me. Because I care very much about you :hug:

It's sticking to me, this muddy yuck, I can't get it off!

I love this because it kind of describes ptsd. We are covered in yuck and trying to get it off. And you are getting it off! I see it every time you post. Its just that little chunks come off at a time - not big ones. So if you look down you will see lots of places where you have chipped it away little by little

My thing is I feel I don't matter and it hurts.

You matter to me. Very much. I learn from you every time you post. I think deeper about things everytime you share how you struggle. You make it ok for me to be in pain, to have horrible things in my past, to struggle day by day, to make me feel more normal. Because you are doing it I can have faith that I can too.

 

[ladee]

We have to grieve our lost babies. It's just a huge part of our 'mama heart'.

Wish you could get out of that hell hole and have a descent place to live and in a good safe place.

Prayers for you Mums... I understand. From one mama heart to another. :inlove::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you so much! @Freida and @ladee ! So lovely to receive the encouragement and understanding. It makes a big difference. I am over the worst that I've experienced in quite a while. It was so bad I took 2 tamazapam and slept off the worst of it, I've never done that before. Had to cancel my whole day, cried for a lot of it. Oh well, I'm much, much, much better today.
Partner ended up being really kind, comforting, affectionate and sweet to me. It helped enormously. I feel discharged about the neighbor. I still don't like people turning up anytime of the day or night, but my guy and neighbor have some stuff in common. She is a wild life carer, he helps her with that. Anyway I can't ruin it for him just because of my ptsd, I just wanted him to validate my feelings and adjust things a little. It's a pity she is so taxing on my home life, it makes it hard for me to be open to her.
Damn this condition, that it's not understood or "respectable"! Oh, well, off to hospital in a week.

 

[Swift]

I gotta say your neighbour would drive me and my PTSD bonkers.
I get the whole "respectable" condition thing. My symptoms are weird AF, they aren't the "pretty" mental illness ones.
And... weird things bother me, and I put so much effort into pretending they don't.

 

[ILoveLife]

Love ya mums :hug:
Not in the best shape myself and I never did grieve my miscarriage so yeah... Can only offer words of comfort.

It will all be okay.
:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I gotta say your neighbour would drive me and my PTSD bonkers.
I get the whole "respectable" condition t...

Thanks @Swift. Yeah, she's at it again (at the door, that is).
I got to a place where I feel a bit sorry for her. Plus my guy is organising some of her needs to be taken care of elsewhere. Hasn't happened yet, though.
He is finding it a bit much too.
We have talked about it quite a bit. He understands where I'm coming from.

I've been having an up and down time. Had a good day the other day, I actually saw 6 out of my 7 children in the one day! Which is something quite big. Not at their dad's house, I've tried that, that doesn't work for me.

I had organised to take my oldest son out to dinner on Friday night, but what I didn't know is that my oldest daughter was going to the same restaurant with her bestie, besties boyfriend and another friend and we all rocked up at exactly the same time. They invited us to eat with them and it was really lovely. I hadn't seen or talked to my oldest daughter since her awards night. I am going to her first fashion show on Wednesday with my bestie.
We even dropped in at her friends party, I felt a bit weird though. I was the oldest person there (not that I'm ageist, at all) I just don't really "party" these days, and it was all millenials, but my son wanted to stop in there, so we did.
I survived it, and was social; I'm good at faking comfortable and confident, I guess, not sure.

 

[mumstheword]

Love ya mums :hug:
Not in the best shape myself and I never did grieve my miscarriage so yeah... Can only...

I hope you're feeling better! Yeah, part of me is relieved about the losses but other parts are sad as hell. They are definitely traumatic events though. I think they deserve to be considered that, and allowances and space made to mourn and process the experiences. When you're ready, of course.

 

[mumstheword]

This neighbor thing is wreaking absolute havoc on my wellbeing and my relationship.
Just had another fight about it.
I diplomatically and reasonably said that "it doesn't have to affect your relationship with her if you tell her it's because of my health issues".
He got angry that I even brought it up again. Treated me as if I'm an arsehole and just giving him a hard time.
I feel like a worthless arsehole now.
I apologized, but I feel like absolute shit.
I hate that even hearing her littleys voices triggers me, when she brings them over. I think about how our baby(s) would be little people, by now, too. But they aren't and will never be.

I feel like I'm nothing and nobody, again. This sux.

 

[Swift]

You aren't nothing and nobody.
You're my badass awesome internet friend mums.
Does your guy not get why the neighbour thing is bothering you so badly? Like, I get it. But I'm not him, obviously.
And the worth thing? I feel that in my soul. My PTSD likes to tell me I'm worthless... or my critic or something.
That voice is lying to you.
Argh your neighbour drives me nuts just reading about her!
Hugs.

 

[mumstheword]

You aren't nothing and nobody.
You're my badass awesome internet friend mums.
Does your guy not get why...

Thanks heaps @Swift.
We made up after our fight. After he yelled at me about "focusing" on dates and "Anniversaries" and stuff, said he didn't want to and it doesn't help.
I told I feel like a worthless arsehole already and I'm sorry my "feeling like shit" affected him.
He said "I'm sorry you're feeling bad" I said "Me too."
He's gone out to organize someone else to pick up the slack, of one of the things neighbor was relying on us for.
He said "She feels bad, coming around, so much". I didn't say, well maybe that's a good reason why not to.
I was worried that he wasn't going to put in strong enough boundaries and that she would keep coming over asking for the same thing, but he told me that he's going to tell her he doesn't want to do that, for her, anymore, so maybe it's going to ease up.
I feel horrible, needing these concessions and, yeah, I think you're right about the "worthless" "don't matter" thing being part of ptsd, or at least, our kind of, brand of, ptsd.

 

[Freida]

You're my badass awesome internet friend mums.

This!!!! ^^^^^^^

 

[mumstheword]

Oh more complications. Damn f*cking shit, shit, shit!
So this woman's "needs" have upset another woman and that woman's guy can't help her out either. Which was the guy my guy was gonna ask to take over. My guys come in, in a bad mood, about that, and guess who feels like it's all her fault? OMG, I feel like the biggest arsehole just for wanting my own little sanctuary without constant knocks on the door by this needy woman gggggggrrrrrrrrr!
By the way, thanks @Freida for this

This!!!! ^^^^^^^

I needed that, I feel terrible about myself and having this thing and I feel doubley terrible that I should be made to feel like this just for wanting some peace and quiet in my own home, without this utter bs.