Thank you, wonderful peeps.
The place feels good, we got an accomplishment high from getting it together so well, and working in tandem.:-)
I was great after the inspection until yesterday, my brother turned up. He's in a bad way. He has fibromyalgia and has been suicidally depressed and agoraphobic. Mum's being her usual, zero ability to care, c*ntish self. I've been looking into the possibility that my pdoc is right about mum having bpd. I now agree.
I validated bro and shared what I know. It stirred me up though. I had a cry for him when he left. He's been.through a lot of terrible stuff, too. My little brother. He's trying so hard but he's so scared and depressed and in pain all the time.
Our mum has just inherited a lot. And is complaining about it. "I never wanted to be rich!" She told him. Wow, what a first world problem mum. While I live in Houso shitsville, she now owns two properties and an extra $100, 000. Not that I want or expect her help. That would be a very bad idea.
I got a bit symptomatic last night after seeing bro. Obsessively reading online about other women with bpd mothers and relating waaaay too much. God, my childhood stank, because of her. I'm angry with her. I kind of hate-but-love her. She's kinda bpd cross histrionic/narcy. I know, labels aren't helpful yadda yadda yah, unless they are, and in my case, they are.
I need to realize what's what and why my childhood made me nearly kill myself and be so depressed I "didn't care if someone raped and murdered me and threw me in a ditch", until I met the "Bush Pigs" A, my ex's squat mates, who I thought, might actually do that, and decided I.didn't want that and chose A instead and yeah, my psychologist said he sounds like a sociopath and my disabled son's psychiatrist knows him and says he's "grandiose" and I got trapped with him, for 21 years and we made 7 people, so yeah, kind of a f*cked reality that I will only escape when I leave this planet.
I internet diagnosed him, my ex, A. I know you're not supposed to do that and he will never actually be diagnosed, probably. He might end up in jail, he's been to jail before, but he won't go.into therapy. He's too perfect and a hero, in his own eyes, but three diagnoses stuck out, narcissistic personality disorder, anti social personality disorder and addictive personality disorder, but after reading about bpd, that fits pretty damn well, as well.
Uuuuuughhh, trying to pathologize them is one of my very limited outlets in dealing with what they did to me, my siblings and my children. We are all in such bad nick and I'm scared, I'm scared I'm still too much like my mother. I avoid most people. I don't chase my children enough. I'm scared I'm too like her, even though I'm nothing like her. I'm in therapy. My guy and my long term psychologist say I'm the opposite of a bpd type person. But my mum and ex haunt my consciousness day and night. They loom large in my mind. It hurts. A Lot. And I have been bpdish, in the past, when I was subject to them, I did seem very bpdish. I think it rubbed off.
My poor kids ...Will I ever get over the moral injury of bringing them into this? Even though I love them so much, they are my main reason for everything I do. I don't know if I can ever stop mentally torturing myself over what my kids have to, and have had to endure. I want to protect them, support them, comfort them, buffer them from all the yuck and the bad but the yuck and bad torture my memories, my psyche is branded by too much exposure and I've been subject to too much. What a shituation.
