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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Yeah, I'm ok. Man and I had a bad blue. He left and was gone all night. I was beside myself. I realized what had triggered me, in the long run, but my triggers clashed with his, once again and it was an epic blue. (That's Aussie for a fight, only verbal, mind you) I scoured the town in the middle of the night and very early morning looking for him. I had sent a bunch of texts that reflected my abandonment triggered state and he reacted by getting even.more triggered and avoiding me.
Toxic emotion and tears poured out of me. The sense of worthlessness; "How could anyone actually care about me? He's only using me" (understandably this hurt him, very much) I wanted to run, I wanted to abandon him before he abandoned me, I couldn't believe that his love for me was real, after all abandonment, rejection, loneliness and exploitation are long term themes from my not that long ago past.
I realized his relationship with his ex and female neighbor were a trigger for my brain to go to "selfish women who have hurt and disregarded me = just like my mother, who will take my dad(lover in this case) away from me. It was early child self state that felt very early abandonment and abuse/neglect/survival threats and separation trauma from being taken away from my Dad. Now that I recognized what was going on, the triggered state brought on by his connection with these women is gone.
I've just told him what happened and started crying again a little.
I feel purged of some of my "toxic shame" and instead it was replaced with some healthy shame, because I accused my beautiful man friend of some horrible shit, tried to push him away "before he could abandon me", yeah so he bailed and I was convincing myself, "see? Everyone abandons me, that's what happens" texting him all night all this triggered distorted shit. So yeah, I connected some dots though, my charge with ex and neighbor lady is gone and I don't feel the need to run away anymore. I'm home with my guy, we love each other and, although we are both very tired, we ended up having a good day together and are a stronger, clearer, closer couple for it.
 
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Three of my boys aren't doing so well.

My youngest, he took my visit away, hard.
Keeps telling me about the sadistic urges he has to fight and suppress, everyday and how he only has morals because of me. He plunged into some severe anxiety while I was away in hospital and since I've been back, it's been high stress and pressure, with preparing for the inspection, so, not ideal.

My oldest has aligned with his Dad once again and is being a dick to my 20-year-old and to my oldest daughter. 20-year-old is avoiding being home (at his Dad's, because I live in a shoebox, in my loungeroom, because it's a unit designed for a teen mum with one small child). Housing don't care, they are horrible people who shouldn't be managing this complex (except for two, one who loved her job but mysteriously left and one who's been on leave).
I decided I don't care to suffer over it so much. When I was able to place my abandonment fear and rewire my brain in relation to that, my desperate urge to run, to flee, to leave my guy before he could abandon me, dissipated.

We are going to remain overcrowded but we have each other and the children, my children, who live with us, have a great school. I am staying around here for the school.

I wish Housing cared about my family being so overcrowded and "at-risk", but they don't.

Oh well, we are going to fight back. I want to make a formal complaint about how the neighbor has been behaving this whole time and the inadequate response from Housing and local policeman "Williams" .

I am tired of people who lack integrity impacting on my life in adverse ways.

I need to have my health and energy to raise a child who feels like he's fighting himself everyday to not become a "sociopath". He is honest though and tells me about his urges, his "empy void inside himself" and how I am the only one who has encouraged and inspired him, to live by morals and not by his violent urges.

I am an overly honest person, I have to protect myself from being around people who will use that against me. So I have a small circle, mainly I just see and talk to, my guy, some of my children, my trauma T and my bestie.
Lismore would have widened that circle, but at least I have a good man, by my side. I wish I could be over there parenting my disabled child though, he was doing pretty badly before I left, and I need to get over and spend time with him.
 
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I am so frightened of asking anything of people who have repeatedly shown me they don't consider me or want to help or support me. I have this problem with my stepson. I need to get over the crushing demoralization of refusal, shirking, excuses and counter-accusational manipulation. I copped so much of this as a child, when asking my mother for care, that I avoid it, when I sniff it, even mildly.
 
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I must be getting better. The unit is shaping up. We are working together, my guy and I, shaping the place up.
A lot of work, but we are getting there. Earlier this year we were supposed to have an inspection and we were both too unwell after the previous year of Hell. Our brains flared up badly and we had to cancel and all I could do was wait for my inpatients admission.
Now, after two admissions, I am well enough for housework! :) Feels so good to be getting on to things :)!!!!
We are on a roll and even after Tuesday, inspection day, we are going to keep the momentum up.
Cutting ex and mum out has helped alot, actually I didn't even "cut them out" just started to stand up to them, be bravely honest with them and it didn't suit them so they've left me alone.
I have my guy watching my back. First time in my life I've had that! :)
He and I understand each other, we've both been through so much, long term abuse and multiple major losses and traumas and close brushes with death. We both like to show love via acts of service. We are both honest, slightly Aspie types, with a deficit in guile. We both adore our children. We both suffer the ongoing mental torture of having narcy bpdy sociopathic type exs and sharing offspring with them. We have both suffered parental alienation, shittons of scapegoating, have injured brains and love nature, learning, becoming empowered and improving ourselves.
I still want to get a place near my son and uni and have 20 year-old son living with me, but I will survive and be fine, if that is not to be.
 
Ya wanna know what I think? I think we all love blaming ourselves, well, maybe, love is not the right word, but we all indulge in blaming ourselves for stuff we needn't feel guilt or shame for, but do, because it gives us a false sense of responsibility and thus, a false sense of power, in the face of where we were powerless. Powerlessness feels like a lie. We know, inherently, that we are endowed with will, and thus, the power to make choices, however, we have encountered, and been subject to, individuals who took that away from us.

That is not supposed to happen. So, because, it feels so wrong to face that we've been in positions of powerlessness, we blame ourselves, we guilt trip ourselves, we, erroneously, take responsibility for things that we didn't do and that we were subject to and not the perpetrators of. Does this make sense, or strike a chord with you? Any of you?
 
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