The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Swift]

That is absolutely beautiful!

 

[ILoveLife]

That's beautiful mums!!

 

[Freida]

Love that!!!!

 

[Juso]

Hey mums and welcome back! Sorry to hear you had such a difficult homecoming, but I am glad you and your guy could work it out.
I always admire your endless compassion. Even through your own emotional chaos you can feel with someone on such a deep level - this is such a strength! You're solving your internal and external conflicts, AND you're healing people like me with your empathy. So thank you!
You're awesome, and I really liked your writing, as well as your drawing - both are very expressive. I feel like I know you better by experiencing your art.
Hugs:hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( @mumstheword )))
What a BEAUTIFUL painting!!! You are SO talented because your inner beauty can't be kept silent or hidden.:hug::singing::hug:

I see your painting as a bit of a self-portrait...A rosebud slowly opening to show all of its splendor... YOUR healing is going to be VERY evident in the future. That is my prayer for you

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you, as always, :-) Lovelies @Juso and @Angelkeeper :hug:
I'm really not very well at all at the moment and certainly.not really up to my stepson being back in our overcrowded squalor and the amount of work that needs doing to be in any way presentable for this inspection.

Getting triggered again today, again; the drug stuff I'm exposed to, overcrowding and having no privacy, not being able to have anywhere quiet or dark when I need to,.Lots and lots and lots of work and pressure on my shoulders regarding the housing inspection, being given.no support or understanding by housing re my health, my kids and I at risk, my overcrowding, my lack of transport, my having no control over stuff my guy does and doesn't do. He's the only person who's ever really shown me adequate care to prevent me from giving up the ghost, but, he's impaired too and this is a struggle, a very huge and exhausting struggle that I am having trouble feeling up to. I'm not really up to this task but I have no options.
Im disappointed. I was told stepson would be helpful, he's been the opposite.
This is overtaxing someone who is too run down and broken ; lil ole me.

 

[Swift]

Hugs, mums. This sounds so awful when you're already overwrought.

 

[mumstheword]

Stupid overwrought. Now just very, very tired.
Told my guy I felt like "taking myself out" too ashamed and embarrassed about triggers and anyone else knowing about them when stepson was watching stupid gangsta druggy crap on YouTube and I didn't know how to deal with it.

My guy stopped yelling at me, at least, and we went and got take away chicken and chips coz I'm too ill to cook (I must be really effed up to not cook, I'm a cooky type). The inspection pressure and how they are making my transfer all about "passing" the inspection has set me up to fail and get more and more unwell.
I tried to get some advocacy and support but it's just me and my guy having to get an unbelievable amount done in a week. It's going to drive me downhill again. I can't believe that both times I have come out of hospital I have had to deal with such stupid and ridiculous amounts of stressful stuff.

Oh well, I'm booked to go back to hospital in November.

My guy thought I wanted to break up with him but I just want him to help and not yell at me when I need help and not to be yelled at.

I'm not well but I'm doing my best. I'm going to be stuck here and I need it to become livable as I can't take it anymore. This shit had to change, it's making me too unwell, but, this changing is exhausting and difficult.
Thank you for all the wonderful support, empathy and encouragement lovelies.:-)

 

[somerandomguy]

Catching up.

I've proven to myself that I'm not an abuser or "crazy"

This is wonderful. You're really not! It's the opposite ... You've been a punching bag for abusive and crazy people.

I'm booked to go back to hospital in November.

That is also wonderful. No matter what happens with your f*cked up housing situation, you ha e something to look towards. That's some great self-care.

And your painting is beautiful.

 

[Freida]

I'm not well but I'm doing my best. I'm going to be stuck here and I need it to become livable as I can't take it anymore. This shit had to change, it's making me too unwell, but, this changing is exhausting and difficult.

I'm so sorry that you are not well - but I'm excited that you are recognizing that you deserve that things have to change.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Sending you HEAPS AND HEAPS of LOVE, HUGS, and PRAYERS!!! :hug::hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you, thank you, thank you @somerandomguy , @Freida & @AngelkeeperJ ! :) :) :):hug::hug::hug:
Much, much MUCH better day :)I only got adrenal flooded once, when my Darling mentioned neighbor-from-hell was loudly talking about the rest of us, to someone from Housing. I made up a song about being triggered and singing and sang that, much better way to cope than ruminating or going into hide/freeze mode or any other such unhealthy maladaprive practises from the last couple of years.

Singing is how I used to get through lots and lots of bad and chronic terribleness, before very borderliney neighbor started focusing on us, slandering us, threatening, slealing, poisoning our garden, screaming abuse daily (at us, her children, other neighbors, visitors, her kid's Dad) letting her dogs kill pets and run loose and bark and howl constantly (my guy also has scars from being bitten by one of these 4 vicious dogs), lying to police and Housing, yeah horrible stuff and she likes my singing and trying to compete sing at us, which I wanted to dissuade, so I stopped singing. Bad move.

. Anyway I had the thought, yesterday, to be grateful to her (I still dislike and distrust her immensely) because I would never have gotten it together to organise myself into a private hospital for trauma&dissociation treatment if it wasn't for her.

My guy and I got heaps done today! :) We worked hard but didn't overdo it or get overwhelmed and overexhausted.

I found some Cortisol/Adrenal support herbal and vitamin tablets that I'd lost under the couch and we both took some. I think they are helping.:)

Also, I'm still losing weight. It's really exciting! :) I'm well into the 70's now! Fitting clothes I haven't for a couple of years.

Feeling good tonight. A lot of today wasn't comfortable, but I remembered the piece I did in "The Dark Arts" (expressive therapy in the last week of group, the week focused on Relationships) . I painted a painting that said "I'm here to grow, not to be comfortable. Life's messy, get used to it." So I did, I sucked it up and ended up getting a lot done, and having laughs and fun with my guy.

We both achieved a lot and the inspection is getting less scary and we are excited about transforming our place to somewhere that is livable and not a trauma site.
It's awesome!