The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Aaaawww I worked out my guy was reeeaaallly overstretched and exhausted. That's the problem of a relationship with two people who have complex trauma issues, sometimes you're just going to bounce off each other's triggerings and just spiral down to a really crappy place. He cried last night and this morning (I mean, I cry constantly, but he? So rarely) and I took two tamazapam, which I only ever do in hospital and or if I'm in a really bad place.
I'm doing better now. I went for our Great Scenic swalk with my 20son, which helped enormously and then rang my guy and we are ok again.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm glad you're feeling better mums :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Swift]

Glad it worked out.
Much love to you and your guy.

 

[Freida]

very happy to hear! :hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Love you guys :) :hug::hug::hug::hug:
So today's been tough. Emotional roller coaster. See Ptsd poetry anyone?

Yeah. Lots of trigger fodder. Housing/inspection pressure, neighbor pressure, drug-community trigger fodder, lots of stuff to do. No time to ease back into being home easily, after hospital. Really, really tough, but I'm doing ok with it all, exhausted, spent, but ok.

 

[Swift]

I do matter, brightly

Yes. Yes you do.
Amazing style as always.

 

[ILoveLife]

You're awesome mums. :hug: I'm glad you're doing ok.
Did you learn coping skills there?

 

[mumstheword]

I connected some dots, while in the intense, inpatient therapy. Seeing my pdoc, pretty much daily ('cept weekends) lots of bodywork (at a Chinese massage, accupuncture and cupping place) and daily group, art and physical therapy.
I identified the internalized mum voice, the catastrophizing, always anticipating worst-case-scenario, terrifying-me-constantly inner abusive mum voice, so that was progress.

 

[Swift]

Doing amazing work mums.
I hate that you have an inner abusive mum voice, I do too and it sucks.

You are so, so, so different from your mum that I can't believe you're her child.

Can we do anything to help you?
If you want me to go on a very sweary rant about your mum and how you're different, happy to oblige. I find my internal "mum voice" is often so shocked I'm swearing she shuts up for a bit.

 

[Freida]

If you want me to go on a very sweary rant about your mum and how you're different, happy to oblige.

Pick me! Pick me!! I'll help too!:chicken::chicken::D:D

You are making such amazing progress! I love checking in each day to see what you have learned and achieved. It helps me keep hope that it can happen for me too

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you! The wonderful Swift, Freids & Sietz!

In answer to you @Sietz, it was more about growing my brain healthy, by learning what it feels like to be safe and looked after. I've never lived anywhere where I got to have a sense of that before and it's a really important part of the recovery journey for me.
I've been coping for too many years, raising children, living alongside psychos and narcs, dealing with hostile borderline peeps and being a "rock".
So learning about self care; and part of that is learning to trust that others will, can and do care about me, is where I'm at, at the mo.
I learnt that I have better self esteem than I thought I did. It's other's I need to learn to trust more now, as I've proven to myself that I'm not an abuser or "crazy", but my trust has been badly abused time and time again and I've been betrayed by the people closest to me, for too long and that has taken a terrible, terrible toll.

I got back into music and art. Had a pritty kool jam with the music therapy guy, sang in the shower, like I haven't for too long, finished my succulent painting for my youngest daughter, even sang one of my orig songs for some peeps, made a few more text, email and exchange number buds from my unit.

I just got good care; got to feel safe to be myself and rest and explore some interesting topics from some "traumatized" perspectives in group. Last week was toughest for me, in regards to the topic "Relationships".​

 

[mumstheword]

The painting I painted while in hospital in art. My first ever painting (took me two admissions at three weeks apiece).