The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

How do I define myself?
I am a mystery unto myself. A bit of a poetic soul, artsy and maternal, a multitude of facets.
I like wordplay, being melodious, and I sometimes find myself a bit odious. I like colour, contemplation, education in a variety of disciplines.
I'm embarrassed to admit, I think I'm a bit of a "social justice warrior", but more of an empathetic peer of peeps on the fringe.

I don't love stagnation, dishonesty and narcissistic abuse, slavery, oppression and cruelty.
I do believe in love, friendship, honesty, holistic approaches, eclectic synergies of philosophy, not sophistry though.
I despise condescension, pretention and manipulation.
I do believe in criticality, open-mindedness, inquiry and learning to think for one's self.

I'm chaotic, inspired (or not) a bit of a Romantic (in the sense of ye olden.days - nature and self-directed, anarchistic and yet respectful of sensible lawfullness), somewhat hedonistic and aesthetic, intellectual and mystical, libertarian, and have been known to be called a "wild child" ,,,

To be continued ...

 

[mumstheword]

The link isn't working for me, but I'm sure it's great.
Here with you.

Sorry @Swift, for effing you around with that. It wasn't actually a link:x3: it was me trying to underline headings and then.not being about to stop the underling, and then.starting the "essay" and then my pdoc called me out and I didn't get to press post. The essay isn't finished. It's a thing we did in group and I read it out and peeps got something out of it so I thought I'd share it here too. There's more. I'll post the 2nd installment soon.

 

[mumstheword]

Yesterday I completely fell to bits. We are doing "Relationships" this week. Really tough for me.
I warned the nurse who facilitates the group that I might end up a puddle on the floor, but I don't think any of us were prepared for Neri going into total triggered TRE that was non voluntary. Looking like a complete tard mess jerking, tremouring, spasming and rocking like a nervously broken down person. Ok, not just looking, I was a nervously broken.down person and it took the nurse about 29 minutes to get me valium and come talk to me so I could stop jerking, rocking, shaking and trembling. Worse. Retriggering. Ever.
My head still feels a bit more fog, stress ache, frontal lobes the worst. Here's hoping today gives me an easier time of it.

I did have a great trauma sensitive yoga sesh in the morning though. So much going on for me, in here, ATM, hense, little input. I'll be back though. Thank you, darling friends. You are helping, truly helping. I love you all.:hug:.

 

[Freida]

I was a nervously broken.down.person and it took the nurse abput 29 minutes to get me valium and come talk to me so I could stop jerking, rocking, shaking and trembling. Worse. Retriggering. Ever.

YIKES! I'm so sorry -- that sounds horrible....:(

 

[mumstheword]

YIKES! I'm so sorry -- that sounds horrible....:(

Thanks @Freida.
I'm much better today. Put myself to bed at 8.00 last night. Soon as I was allowed night meds. Rang my guy, cried and explained a bit to him.Woke at 4.00am, much better today :)

 

[Freida]

:):):hug::hug:!!

 

[mumstheword]

Actually, shouldn't say worse triggering ever. Just publicly extremely crazy-lady looking, embarrassing and uncontrollable jerking and shaking and rocking. I guess 37 years of abuse and still having to have the abusers in my life, affecting me, can do that to a person, on top of all the current housing and kid's shit

 

[mumstheword]

2nd installment of "How do I define myself?"
..."a social change agent" "a hippy" and "a muso" ...a number of people's mum and even "a badass" (in a good way, I think) [this got some laughs].
I have "inner people", who each have their own distinct sense of self, so that's strange.

My twelvey son said to his friends, in reference to me "sometimes it's like talking to a 5 year old and sometimes it's like talking to a genius."

I'm a bit of a "foody" a "fashionista" - earthy glam,

I think I'm an ambivalent team player at times, quite individualistic, but I fit in better with other misfits, if I fit in anywhere.

I'm a sufferer, an artist, a sickeningly stereotypical "tortured soul who makes art, poetry, music "just to survive my own mind and this physical experience we call life".

I believe in learning, self development, weighing up evidence, that's there's always "more", that I know very little, that the mystics are on to it, that nature knows what it's doing.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((:)hug: @mumstheword :hug: )))
I am SO sorry that you went through that! It sounds almost as if your body and mind are literally doing a COMPLETE turnaround in your being. Could it be that all the physical "yuck" (to put it nicely) has had an episode of physical catharsis? Almost as if it's leaving is an actual "thing?"

Just a thought. YOU ARE WORKING SO VERY HARD and I hope that YOU are proud of YOURSELF!!! I am sure AMAZED at the rate you are able to gain ground and at the progress you are making this time around.

YAY, to YOU!!!

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm so sorry you got triggered that way :confused::confused::confused::hug: :hug:
I think you're handling great though, so much self compassion in your words now! :)

 

[Swift]

Doing amazing work mums.

 

[Swift]

Whoops, hit reply before I was ready.

crazy-lady looking, embarrassing and uncontrollable jerking and shaking and rocking

Been there, done that....
I threw up on the carpet (carpet!) In a group room... twice... dissociated back to 13 yo swift, if it makes you feel any better.

Being triggered like that is f*cking awful. It sucks. And it's awful.

It's okay, though, it means the stuff you're doing is working. I'm sorry it happpened, but maybe it's a good thing in the long run - not at the time, but in the very, very long run.

I'm in awe of what you're doing. You're an amazing woman.

Much love.