The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ladee]

So proud to hear your news of standing up to your mother. Very grateful you were in a safe place , with a lot of support, and remain safe. Your answer was so full of self respect... you are doing awesome Mums... :hug::hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I just wanted to pop by @mumstheword and say that your expressing yourself to your mother was just beautiful. Really helpful when it comes to breaking through trauma. Taking that step out of normal and walking on the wild side. Well done! Much respect to you. I know it must have been hard.

 

[Swift]

Awesome work @mumstheword!!!!!!
Look at how far you've come to be able to do that!!!!!
Well done!!!!!!!!

Also - this:

are you going

So you finally tell her how you feel and then she's like "get over it", basically, without acknowledging your feelings...
Typical.

Look after yourself.

 

[Freida]

That is awesome!!! :):)

 

[mumstheword]

Awesome work @mumstheword!!!!!!
Look at how far you've come to be able to do that!!!!!...

Yep, exactly. I actually texted her last night. Because that last text shut her up. No reply to me saying, basically. My cup's empty, mum. So I'm not commiting to anything more that what I'm dealing with, so no promises. I did say, I'd like to [reconcile] but ....all that stuff about what my priorities are right now and no extra energy.

Then last night, in the middle of the night, I followed it up with "I just feel, deep down, in my core, that you don't care about me, and I don't know whether it's my illness talking, or a response to how you've treated me, throughout my life."

I'm testing to see were she stands, because, I realised, she's the narcissistic groomer that groomed me for my horrendously narcissistic ex and I think she needs to be given the opportunity to answer for herself, especially since she's saying "Well are you going to just get over it and reconcile with me?"

I.mean this is a women who couldn't even get my diagnosis, I told her years ago, after she kept telling me I probably had bipolar, and it was discounted by a wonderful dr, that I had PTSD, and then.a couple of years ago she's still "I thought you had bipolar" but still no consideration for me, either way. Totally blase and like it was nothing, either way, she could have been saying "I thought you'd had weetbix this morning". So anyway, I don't think it's too awful to be brutally honest with her and see if she can convince me she has a caring bone in her body towards me. It's never been apparent.

Thank you @ladee, @shimmerz, @Swift, @somerandomguy , @Freida, @Siez, @Juso ! :):hug::hug::hug: I'm feeling pretty chuffed with myself:cool::rolleyes::inlove::):tup: I've been scared of my mother my whole life.

 

[Freida]

No need to be chuffed (love that word by the way!) You were a child and even though I'm an adult she sounds pretty freaking scary to me!!! I can't imagine this being the person who is raising you -- and supposed to be loving and caring for you.

So anyway, I don't think it's too awful to be brutally honest with her and see if she can convince me she has a caring bone in her body towards me. It's never been apparent.

exactly!!! I totally agree with this!

 

[mumstheword]

No need to be chuffed (love that word by the way!) You were a child and even though I'm an adult she s...

I love you dearly Freida and thank you! :-)
Chuffed means "pleased" so basically I was saying I was pleased with myself for standing up to my mother!:laugh::smug::cool::D
Yeah, I'm letting myself feel my anger and disappointment towards her today. I'm not hurting anyone with it, I've been a great group member and a caring person so I'm not being malignant with it but I'm really pissed and fuming and a bit quietly cursey towards my mater today.:cautious::grumpy::shifty::wtf:

 

[mumstheword]

I just wanted to pop by @mumstheword and say that your expressing yourself to your...

It was so scary!:eek: I was shaking like a leaf! I couldn't even.go into my room (I'm in hospital so I actually have a room, unlike at home where I have to sleep in the main living area.) Because my phone was in my room and I was too scared to look at the reply, for hours. I even turned my phone off, so I could go into my room. Luckily I'm in hospital and a nurse and my pdoc were there to support me through it, and other patients are really lovely and supportive here, too.:hug:

 

[shimmerz]

It was so scary!:eek: I was shaking like a leaf!

That body reaction says an awful lot about how negatively your mother is affecting you. You did a great thing in setting limits with her and I am so glad you had qualified support there with you as well to help back you up!

 

[Freida]

Chuffed means "pleased" so basically I was saying I was pleased with myself for standing up to my mother!

LOL Speak english!!!! hahahha Ok, you can be chuffed:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

 

[mumstheword]

I'm still dealing with A LOT of anger and disappointment towards my mother. She had to text me she was disappointed in me when I.was in a mental hospital, didn't she? I feel like she stirred up the hornets nest. She never bothered to respond to me, saying I feel like she doesn't care about me. Typical. Got nuthin' when that's put to her, coz it's true.

Also angry at the new tenancy manager who has triggered me badly. Heartless bitch who has too much power over my life. f*cking typical. This just keeps happening over and over again. I'm so over trauma-brain repeat bullshit. And can't-get-out-of-a-bad-situation bullshit, so my health probably can't improve.

I'll just be back and forth into Belmont and neglecting my kids coz of my shitty housing f*cking mess of a trauma site ghettosville bullshit. Its getting soooooooo f*cking old.

You think you can't bare any more, and then there's more to bare. SO OVER IT.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:
Here with you.