The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[Swift]

Doing amazing mums.
For some reason, I can see you kicking arse with a loop pedal...

 

[mumstheword]

Doing amazing mums.
For some reason, I can see you kicking arse with a loop pedal...

Thanks heap @Swift. Ya know, I actually own one, but it's gathering dust, unused. I have a "street cube" too, mikes, stands, leads, percussion instruments, a ukelele, recording equipment I haven't learnt to use... going to waste.

 

[mumstheword]

So I've gotten up to about the age of 5, in my chronological bits of my trauma diary and I'm thinking it's time to push on, with bits I remember, because a lot of my childhood is lost to the fog of trauma-brain memory impairment.

Five has me in Tassie, starting school. I've already been exposed to a lot of sex stuff (had stuff done to me) isolation and neglect, drug abuse (also had that done to me) psychosis (mums boyfriend, she cheated on my dad with, suffered schizophrenia) and a mother who has really ginormous mental health issues (still not properly diagnosed, other than with anxiety and depression).

After that bush property, where I had to walk so far through snake infested bushland by myself to catch the school bus, I don't remember much, except scary nuns and flashing my girl parts in the playground. 5-6 is mostly blank. I think there's bad stuff there, but my brain is resistant. Nope, not going there. That's all folks.

 

[Swift]

Well done mums.
Amazing work.
I'm so, so mad at your shitty family.

 

[Freida]

Good grief that's more than enough for anyone! No wonder your little is so upset...poor thing....:hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I'm having trouble putting the murk that is in my mind, into words.
I've been getting some bodywork and my waist, hips, gluts, legs, etc, all hurt. They are so locked up, but I'm trying to unlock the frozen and tight pain in there and it's disturbing me.

Years of sexual, emotional, drug, physical and mental abuse are locked in my body and I am stirring up the bottom gunk and everything is murky. Words aren't coming easy and I'm tired and sore and plagued with daymares, haunting me.
I'm glad I'm in hospital. Grateful but tired, so tired and full of murk.

 

[Swift]

Be gentle with yourself mums.
Sending lots of good vibes.

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug: :hug: lots of awesome work here mums

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @Swift and @Sietz :)
I have some good news. I may have mentioned that my lovely guy has had hoarding problems?
Well he's made amazing inroads lately. He sent me pics of the progress he's made of our front carport. It's so far improved!

I'm hugely relieved because it was one of those super stressful things that landed me in here.

He's picking up his 20-year-old son (my 20 year-old's bestie) from Canberra. He just got down there today. And he says that sonny is going to help out with the de-hoarding and de-cluttering, so that's exciting.
He went down.with his ex, which was harrowing for me, she's one of the really abusive ones. She's assaulted me. I don't really love that he still has anything to do with her. I rang him the other day and he was having dinner with her and their other son and his girlfriend. I handled it super well, emotionally at the time, but he promised to text me when he got home and didn't. I freaked out in the night when I woke up and realized he hadn't texted me. I went straight to paranoia and "he's with her" because he was once, in our early days and it still haunts me. After all the terrible, terrible abuse she's heaped on him. She's the reason he got a brain injury in the first place, and a concocted- by-her criminal record and she's broken his nose while he was driving and nearly took his head of with a shovel and took his kids away for three years after he mostly raised them as babies coz she's too much of a narc to care for her own babies, they had to be yell-at-and-terrorise-into-submission-able before she was interested in looking after her own children. I detest her.
It's very hard for me to tolerate his tolerance of her. I can't even tolerate looking at my ex, let alone spending any time with him.

 

[Swift]

That woman sounds like a totally dysfunctional piece of shit.
In light of not hijacking I won't go on, but abusive women get to me for obvious reasons.
You're doing such amazing work mums.
It's incredible that after all you've been through you are still working and trying!
It really sounds like you're in the right place.
Lots of good vibes to you.

 

[Freida]

I get the whole spending time with the ex thing being a trigger -- but look at how well you are doing with it! You've acknowledged it as a trigger, you have figured out why its a trigger and you are admitting it is bothering you ----without letting it derail your therapy or sending you into dissociation. That is huge!!!!!

 

[mumstheword]

I get the whole spending time with the ex thing being a trigger -- but look at how well you are doing wi...

Haha thanks Freida. Sent me to drugs instead! I'm making judicious use of benzos
.
Yeah I'm handling it a lot better than I have in the past. I am pretty secure in our relationship. Gotta have trust!

He doesn't really like her or trust her but they do manage to do a little bit of parenting stuff together, which I wish I were able to do with my ex. Mine is typically narcy in that, if I'm not "his" he wants for me to not exist and treats me as such. He tried to seduce me back, in the early days of me leaving him, but I wasn't having a bar of it, so now he resents my continued existence and excludes me from my own children as much as possible. I beseeched him, when I left, to remain on friendly co-parenting terms, but he could never treat me friendly-ly when we were together, so it was too much to ask, after we'd split,
But my lovely love is an sweet, protective but not divisive, just supportive co-parent, when it comes to his boys and their vile mother.

The older one had cut ties with her so I guess having his lovely dad at the dinner with her helps him feel safe enough to reconnect and have dinner with his mum.

I wish my ex were more like my current partner, but then, if he were, I wouldn't have left him, would I?