The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Hahaha @Swift, how amazing would it be if we did meet up here?

 

[mumstheword]

I am feeling kinda sad and tired. It is hard leaving my guys. My youngest and my sweetheart are the ones feeling my absence the most, but they are very supportive of me being here. My next youngest daughter and 20-year-old son came up and saw me off. They are very supportive too.
I feel very emotional about my family at the moment.
I started to tear up, just now, talking about my little guy (who is six foot already and only twelve) he's a bit lost without me, he doesn't want to go down to his Dad's and my guy might be going to Canberra to see his mum and son (who used to live with us) and my youngest doesn't want to go there either. He is being stoic though, although he told me he is "really scared" and doesn't know what to do, but that he's "hardy" , I said I didn't know either but to draw on his big brother (20-year-old brother) and my guy and ring me or text me as much as he needs to.
I said "I feel bad leaving you" and he said "don't, mum, you need this". What a lege of a kid! This is the same kid who says "I'd be a sociopath, if it wasn't for you" to me, pretty often. I tell him I don't think he is, (but he does have some worrisome traits). He loves me though and I've always adored him and doted on him and probably mollycoddle him a bit. He's very bright, good looking and has a very sardonic sense of humour, also, says "he's a sadist".
He's one of the reason I had to leave his father. He used to be a very out-of-control boy, when he was very small. He's required a lot of intense parenting work to nurture out of violence and anti social behaviour but he's really coming along.

 

[somerandomguy]

Your relationship with your family is so, so incredible, Mums. I hope you can draw on that strength while you're there!

 

[Freida]

I am so happy you are there! And you are showing son that it's ok to ask for help, to say how he is feeling, to see that people will help him when things get bad. so its a two-fer!

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I am a bit of a chronic rescuer, when I'm not well, it can really kick in.

ME, TOO...
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:


(((@Mums)))
Here's a picture that you can reflect on if you want. It's in Megara, Greece. (I ACTUALLY got to take this pic myself!) It's more than a little surreal. I am praying that your time in treatment is a FRUITFUL AND GAME-CHANGING chapter of your life's story!

YOU are working SO HARD at being the BEST YOU CAN BE for YOURSELF AND ALL WHO LOVE YOU!!! Your little self is getting the CARE you need for her to heal....

It's AMAZING to have a tiny "window" into your healing process! I am thankful for the opportunity of learning from you on this journey.

LOVE, PRAYERS, & HUGS
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

So lovely @AngelkeeperJ,

that is a magnificent pic!

I am so happy you are there! And you are showing son that it's ok to ask for help, to say how he is fee...

That is a really good point! Thank you @Freida, that really helped me feel better about "abandoning" my baby (baby man, really, he's already growing facial hair!")

 

[mumstheword]

Last night I had a dream, similar to the dream I had last time I was here ...
In this dream, I was kinda lost in the corridors of the hospital. I was hallucinating so much, I was completely disoriented. No one could help me because I was lost in my own mind. Eventually I "woke up" in the dream and realised that I had been dreaming and staff were here to support me. I was in a dream within a dream, in my hospital bed (in the dream, as well as in RL). When I woke up, for realzies, I remembered that I had thought I had woken up in the dream and now I realized that the awakening had been part of the dream and thus a dream induced illusion.

Both times I have been here, I have had disturbing dreams about being lost and alone, roaming the hospital corridors. But this time, I dream awoke and staff were here to support me. I think that might be evidence of progress.

 

[Freida]

t this time, I dream awoke and staff were here to support me. I think that might be evidence of progress.

Yes yes yes!!!!! Because you deserve support and your dream self knows that!!!:hug::hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

This will be great for you mums :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

So, there's a very challenging patient here. I knew it was going to be difficult with him because shortly after I got here, while unpacking, a nurse asked him to either shut his door or turn his music down. He didn't want to do either and wouldn't let her shut his door. She compromised and left his door slightly ajar.

I was, understandably, slightly irritated, by his attitude and his disregard for other patients and because I wasn't particularly, at all, enjoying his loud music. I almost wanted to go and say something to him, but, thought better of it. I'd only just got here. I found myself wondering if he was on the spectrum or narcissistic, because he was so rude, argumentative, oppositional and inconsiderate.

Today in group he dominated the group with his extremely loud and resonate voice, broke group protocol repeatedly, talking about his personal issues in group at length and evidently he's a hurting, frustrated, disempowered and demoralized man, but just now I ended up having words with him as he kept talking and criticising the reading we were asked to quietly read, to the point where two or three ladies left the group and another was quietly melting down and quivering in her chair and one of the ladies went into full sob meltdown, just outside of the room.

He made a move to leave and the nurse leading the group told him he should which caused him to stay put....So I said "are you leaving or are you going to stop talking, so we can all focus and read? Because you talking is distracting." He looked at me reproachfully and I added "I'm not being mean, I'm just saying how it is" or something like that. He thought better of arguing with me and finally shut up for a while. I said it very levelly, patiently but with strength and steely compassion.

This is his last week and some of the women are at the end of their tether, with his behaviour.

I actually didn't feel too terrible towards him at all, I was surprised that I had the courage and fortitude to stand up to him, as he treats the nurse so disrespectfully (same nurse as the day before) and keeps bringing up how much it costs per day to be here (a lot, but I have health insurance so that covers most of it).
I feel a lot more compassion toward him than I did yesterday, but, his behaviour is very trying and disruptive.
There are two men in the group, the other one, an attractive ginger haired man, I find quite delightful and intelligent and a pleasure to be around. For me, it's often women I have a harder time being around, but some blokes can be very challenging to be around.

There seems to be a camp of women, with trauma, who feel uncomfortable around "men" in general and so someone like this fellow is, just, utterly intolerable.
I often feel more nervous around the ladies, especially if I sense sexism on their part. It's interesting to watch myself respond or react to those around me.

I found myself validating this fellow, when he was talking about the difficulty of being a man with trauma issues and that it's not permissable or acceptable or recognized as something men suffer too.
I do feel for him, but I feel for all the hurting ladies too, and the nurses trying to keep the peace and minister to everyone.

 

[mumstheword]

Ha!:smug::woot::laugh::p So the nurse just came into my room and thanked me for my input in the group.
Said I was doing amazingly.
Reminded me to be "here for myself" too.
That's a bit of a challenge for me, but it's one of my goals here, this time. No "rescuing" no getting too involved with others recovery, but working my own.
We are examining Self Esteem, this week.:oops::inlove::happy::eek::cool::confused::sick::alien::woot::x3:

 

[Swift]

Woohoo! Standing up for yourself but NOT rescuing.
And... I know he's hurting, but he's acting like a knob too.