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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Discussion in 'Trauma Diaries' started by mumstheword, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. Sietz

    Sietz I'm a VIP

    I love this expression.

    In light of not hijacking,
    mums you're doing great! :) :hug:
    littleoc, mumstheword, ladee and 3 others like this.
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  3. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    Yeah!!! Look at how far you have come!! You stood up for yourself and it was a non event...just saying what needed to be said and moving on. And you got kudos from the staff! That's a great start to your stay!
  4. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member Donated

    Good for you Mums... sometimes we just have to speak up.. because we can !!! You did it with compassion. You see this mans pain.. I can see someone's pain, and not rescue. Doesn't mean I don't have the right to set a boundary...

    I feel you are going to get a lot more this time around.. and a much needed break from all the responsibility at home... super proud of you..

    Supportive hugs.:hug::hug:
  5. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

    You’re so brave @mumstheword . You’re doing amazing work
  6. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    Thank you , thank you! Dear friends @Swift, @Sietz, @Freida, @ladee, @littleoc and also @somerandomguy for the lovely complement re my family! :)
    I am getting so much out of it and want to write so much more about it all. It's 4 in the morning now. So I should try get some more sleep. But, this admission is really paying off and I'm still practising restraint when it comes to not getting too involved with other patient's dramas and caretaking them too much. Also had a great (and very painful) massage down at the Chinese bodywork place across the road yesterday. Due to get some acupuncture later on today.:) I'm feeling loads better.:)
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018 at 6:01 PM
    Swift, ladee, Juso and 4 others like this.
  7. Juso

    Juso Active Member

    Dear mums, I wish you emotional freedom, awesome and interesting and inspiring experiences with the people that will accompany you there, I wish you compassion and growth and comfort. I am very glad that you have the chance to do this, I really hope it will help you. I think of you often. So glad to read you're already feeling better.
    Sending lots of love to you:inlove::inlove::inlove:
    Sietz, Freida, ladee and 2 others like this.
  8. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    Thank you @Juso, backacha, I hope things are improving on your end too.
    somerandomguy, Juso and Freida like this.
  9. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    I'm resisting a lot at the moment. It seems I'm drilling down to some core vulnerability and damage and I really don't want to go there.
    I started falling apart in group this morning, and retreated to my room, after a low dose of benzos.
    I couldn't stop crying and I felt really overwhelmed and desolate.
    I've been vacilating between feeling so good I feel like a fraud and a fake and a total woosy sook who shouldn't be here and then, in group, I thought, no, I'm even more f*cked up than most of these people here (and a lot of them have DID).

    I'm really all over the place and really not very well at all and I'm exactly where I need to be.

    I had acupuncture and another massage last night and the amazing acupuncturist said "lots of stress" was the most stand out feature behind my symptoms. She put needles in me to help me sleep and I did have the best sleep I've had in ages.
    She also put needles in my lower back and legs and massaged my lower half and it was SO painful. So much tension held in my hips, waist, gluts, legs sacrum. It hurts heaps today. I feel like I'm storing a lot of pent in trauma and tension in there and getting the body to unwind and unlock it, is half my battle. I'm on it though.
    Maybe I wouldn't be so chronically overwhelmed if I could unburden myself of that held in trauma, in my body.
    I'm holed up in my room now. My go-to, these days; avoidance, bed, cuddling my cuddlies, Netflix, sleep and dissociate. I'm a worn down mess.
    After yesterday, which was really good, today feels like I'm back at square one. Oh well ... nature of the beast, I guess.
  10. Swift

    Swift I'm a VIP

    It really does sound like you're in the right place atm.
    Healing is hard work. Really hard work.
    It's no wonder you're feeling it.
    Lots of hugs and support.
    mumstheword, somerandomguy and Freida like this.
  11. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    Agreed --- this is where you need to be. You are finally in a safe place where you can be supported while you work through these traumas. And you are working through it.....painful as it is. You are amazing!
    mumstheword and somerandomguy like this.
  12. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    Thank you lovelies :) still crying but I had a good talk with one of the nurses. Geez, they're gems!

    Did some drawing in the group room with some of the other lady peers and nurses and did some laps up and down the hill, the hospital is on.

    I miss being musical. We had music therapy yesterday.It stirred.me up. I sang one of my originals acappella. My peer support song. I really miss singing all the time and being a "performer". I don't get to enough, anymore. I want a creative, professional, musical life again. That's what I.miss about my ex, the lifestyle of being a working musician.

    I lost that really good singing buddy, this year too (suicide), that makes me very sad :cry:.

    I don't want to go back to choir now. I just want to learn, serious musician skills, and go back to uni, meet musicians and create music. I want to make another go of being a working singer/songwriter. I miss being a musical worker so much! My musical self is sad and muted, too much of the time, now.

    I.just watched a film about a blind opera singer on Netflix, that stirred me up too.:cry::arghh;
    NinjaWolf, Freida, Swift and 5 others like this.
  13. Juso

    Juso Active Member

    I think its great you're feeling so inspired! No need for crying, we're going to find a solution to implement this in your life :hug: Though I understand where you're coming from, at the moment I'm trying to learn more about music theory while trying to teach myself to play the piano and the guitar. Its difficult to do this all on my own and its a slow process, but its a process, and I'm sure there's always the possibility for you to learn more, even if its only with youtube tutorials or online classes. If this gives you so much joy, it just has to be a part of your life! And you don't need your ex for that. :hug:
    Your morning sounded quite tough. I am proud of you for being vulnerable. We all know that healing is not gentle, and that suffering is part of the process. When my cousin went to a clinic for 3 months, the first weeks she just couldn't stop crying. As if finally something had been released. She cried so much that they gave her meds calm her down after a while because it was simply too exhausting for her. What I'm trying to say is: You're on the right path. Don't worry about behaving or feeling the wrong way. Like you said: You're exactly where you need to be.
    By the way, that acupuncture seems like something I desperately need too, as well as the massage. Can I come too?:inlove::roflmao:
    Freida, ladee and mumstheword like this.
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