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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Hello dear mums:hug:
I wish I could just f*ck off and be homeless, but I can't, I have kids.
Argh, feeling stuck and not able to escape is a terrible thing. Even though I am not in your situation I understand where you're coming from. Sorry you have to experience this.
I've actually layed eyes on every one of my darling children in the last week. Only middle, estranged son J (I have two J sons, oldest and older middle) ran away and pulled his gf away as soon as he saw me.
Ouch. Sorry again, this must be a very lonely feeling. :sorry: But maybe he isn't ready yet to "show her around"? Or maybe the girlfriend isn't ready yet to meet the family? My boyfriend will meet my dad next week for the first time even though we've been together 16 months (I know thats terrible, it has many reasons, its a complicated story haha:bag:).
I really hope he'll open little doors for you in the future and that your relationship will strengthen with time. ♥ I hope your mum-heart will mend, as well as your child-heart.
Australia doesn't have as many people, so it suits me. I like nature, trees, creeks, the ocean, mountains and forests, that kind of thing and we have lots and lots of that here.
Oh I am so jealous, I wish I lived there! This sounds like the most perfect place for me. I've actually always wanted to visit Australia for a long time, and I'll do it after my bachelor. :happy:
everything I try to watch sets me into triggerfest.
Lol, can relate. Have to be very careful with what I watch since it can quickly send me off into triggerland and we all know how difficult it is to get out of there. Normalland is just not signposted.:laugh:
I am very glad you're feeling better now! Hugs:hug::hug:
 
Hello dear mums:hug:

Argh, feeling stuck and not able to escape is a terrible thing. Even though I am not...
NoI, it's not the family, just me, and my new guy. I've met his girlfriend before and she's lovely.

I left because I'd been abused by their father for over 20 years and I wasn't going to make it, if I stayed. I had no home, I can't drive, I was kind of dying and in acute stress and I had to leave him and most of his siblings or I was sure I would be leaving them all, for good.
My son was poisoned against me by their father. He is still avoiding me and frightened and shamed and messed up. His father is a masterful manipulator, very ruthless and a skilled liar. It's a messy situation.
 
Yes I know, I have read all those terrible, terrible stories, and I am so sorry you had to be in that situation. I cannot imagine how hard the decision to go must have been.
That is why I said that I hope your son will open little doors in the future and that your relationship will get better. Maybe I am being naive and hoping for something that will never happen. Maybe I am hoping for it because the other possibilities are too painful to imagine. I just don't want to to go through this.

*don't want you to go through this.
 
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Thank you @Juso and @Freida. Yes I think he will soften and come back to the mumma fold some time. It's scary for him. He was hit very hard when I left. He's since told me he would have preferred that I had had his Dad arrested and that I had stayed. I don't think that is the case though. My kids would have hated me for doing that. Their Dad has a very needs-protecting-fragility about him. He is the type of parent that children need to keep secrets to protect. Children who crave his love but that learn that love isn't really what he's good at.
My son is trying to protect himself from the pain of guilt and shame for siding with the abusive, manipulative, gaslighting parent and being a pawn in his Dad's revenge-on-me seige.
I totally forgive him, but I don't think he's ready to face it yet. I won't push it. I will invite him and his girlfriend out to dinner when.I get back though.
 
Well, here I am, in my hospital room in Belmont TDU (Trauma & dissociation unit). I survived dinner in the dining room. I met a friend in there, that I've met the last time I was in here. I am going to have my meals brought to my room though. Last time it was harrowing, eating with all the other patients. I made some friends though. I am a bit of a chronic rescuer, when I'm not well, it can really kick in. I'm going to work on not doing the rescuey thing in here (Belmont, not myptsd). I'm happy with the peer support we share in here. Plenty of opportunities to give support in a safer way on this site than in here at the hospital. It's not allowed anyway, we are here to work on our own stuff.
 
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