The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

I was going to comment on this but I like @Swift answer better!

Good! I hope he dies...

Thanks for that Freida. We (my children and I) are trying to get out of the quicksand of him. It's very hard. Tiring. Demoralizing to have to struggle so hard, but I'm alive and so are they.

He is currently pulling my oldest down, I feel. Grooming him because he's the most vulnerable and useful one he can still manipulate.
My second oldest is very damaged from him, and not doing well, at all, but he's mostly out of reach of his father. The services I brought in have made it harder and harder for his dad to predate on him and gaslight him. But he wreaks much damage in the one weekend a month he has access to our son.

My daughters are going to get away and be ok. And so is my two youngest sons. And my middle boy is in a solid relationship (I think, it's pretty solid anyway, even though he's estranged from me ) still avoiding me. He's a tortured young man, when it comes to me and he uses drugs to "manage".

 

[mumstheword]

Well said! @Freida
I have been getting caught up on your Diary. (((@mums)...

Thank you Angelkeeper. Don't worry about that. Just take as best care of yourself, as you can. It will pay off. Your holiday looked amazing!
I'm having a tough day, but it's only because it's been hectic and I've been super busy lately.
I can't get away with that, too much. I'm looking forward to hospital. The way I feel today, I know I need it.

 

[mumstheword]

My day got worse. Clusterf*ck or triggerfest best describe how I've been this afternoon/evening.
As you know my housing sitch is not great. To top it all off, the only gives-a-f*ck person in housing is on holidays and the new tenancy manager is a total bitch.

I wish I could just f*ck off and be homeless, but I can't, I have kids.

I'm over dealing with control freaks who have power over me and my life (kids future) who don't give a f*ck about us.

It's good timing to be admitted to hospital, I guess, considering how I am, but housing want to do an inspection and, well, I've been terribly symptomatic and my guy has a hoarding problem so....yeah, not the great recipe for pleasing housing.

Mind you, they don't do the things they are responsible for, so many repairs and maintenance that they've know about for years and done nothing about. Then there's the sociopath(ic type, I guess) neighbor that they ignore 3 households pleas of help in dealing with, for countless years, she's been making lives a misery...no care on their part.

They seem to get rid of the employees who do care and employ a constant stream of heartless bureaucratic real estate types, even though they are supposed to be more of a social (service) housing provider for people like me, who've experienced much trauma, disadvantage and disabilities. I find it frightening, distressing, alienating, demoralizing and destabilizing. They treat us like lepers or like we are supposed to be robots with no feelings or reactions to what we have been dealing with. I'm probably just full of cognitive distortions and triggered irrationality at the moment. Damn this fear of authorities, people and systemic, bureaucratic types.

 

[ladee]

Doesn't sound like distortions to me, sounds like the truth... it still amazes me I'm in this apartment, and not the ones across town.. I would be homeless because I couldn't deal with what you are having to right now... but I don't have kids to worry about.. my car has an AC and a heater... I could manage.

The difference in this complex and the one across town.. the other one is just like you describe. Nothing is done to help anyone.. and it is it's own little ghetto over there... You and the kids could come here, but the plane tickets would be a mutha.... I'm sorry Mums, you ARE going to get a break... you are.. no one works as hard as you do, and not get a break... not helping you now with those words, I know... but I do HEAR you... and I've had to live some pretty shitty places in my life... so I do understand...

sending hope and possibilities and lots of hugs...:hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Swift]

Clusterf*ck or triggerfest

Cluster-trigger-f*ck-fest?

Sorry your day's so shit. Sending much support.

 

[mumstheword]

Doesn't sound like distortions to me, sounds like the truth... it still amazes me I'm in this apartment,...

Thank you lovely @ladee, it does help.
I'll just have to have a little more faith in the universe.
I did find some amazing health care, eventually, after all...that I'm soon to be "enjoying" again.
I'm doing what I can to make my life, my guy's life and our children's lives as best as I can, for the moment.
If worse that happens is I'm stuck here for heaps more years, then, it's not that bad. I showed you guys how beautiful it is, a short walk from here. We are fortunate, in so many ways. And we have love, which is the best! And I don't reckon I could have made it this far without that.

Yeah, and I'm scared of America. Too many crazies with guns. We have loads of crazies but they can't get hold of guns. And I'm scared of (most) people and Australia doesn't have as many people, so it suits me. I like nature, trees, creeks, the ocean, mountains and forests, that kind of thing and we have lots and lots of that here.

By crazies, I guess I mean lost people who lie to themselves and others and they don't believe in compassion and non violence like me and other (non) crazy crazies, like me and my friends, who are gentle souls who believe in being honest and "good".

Also not getting caught up in cultish, group-think rhetoric. I like evidence, facts, inquiry, open-mindedness, reasoning, critical thinking (the academic type), never-ending learning and personal development, authenticness, freedom and person responsibility, that kind of thing. I'm sure there plenty of pockets of culture I would truly be inspired and impressed by, all over the usa, though, I have read so many amazing books written by brilliant Americans. So I hope I don't sound too judgey, but I am an introverted developmentally delayed retarded creative genius type and I don't seem to "fit in" too well, anywhere much, although things might be improving, in the work prospects department, soon, in the town I'm trying to move into (and getting discouraged by the new tenancy manager).
I'll talk about the peer work stuff I've been and maybe soon-to-be involved in again, some time, here.

 

[mumstheword]

Cluster-trigger-f*ck-fest?

Sorry your day's so shit. Sending much support.

Lol:roflmao: You made me giggle Swifty.:hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Thank you lovely @ladeeSo I hope I don't sound too judgey, but I am an introverted developmentally delayed retarded creative genius type and I don't seem to "fit in" too well, anywhere much.

Ummmmm...(((Sweet Mums))) I agree with what you say, except for the "junk" that is coming up that needs to be healed. You are going to conquer that junk!!! I am going to "call out" the lies and distortion that were drilled into you from day 1 of your traumatic upbringing. It's important to know when you are over-judging yourself. You are

YOU are probably one of the LEAST judgemental people around here, and most likely IRL. You have deep "soul injuries" but you are NOT developmentally delayed or retarded. I know this because of the caring and loving words I read here, as you encourage me and everyone you come into contact with.

I DO agree that you ARE a creative genius type and can tell you that you DO "fit in," here anyway and I consider that a REALLY good thing! You are ACTIVELY pursuing your healing with tenacity and grit. I am AMAZED that you are the person you are, with a GINORMOUS amount of love for the people in your life!

ANYONE else would have become addicted to the bad drugs, and drama. Realistically, most people would not have survived what you have! (I am grateful that you choose to STAY and come HERE):D:hug::hug::hug:

I am praying that your hospital stay will pay off in your journey of healing! I (we) believe in you! We will be sending you prayers and positive thoughts for huge, positive shifts in your psyche that will lead you to open the door to self love (I struggle with this BIG time) and an appreciation for your own abilities. On your better days, you have made a LOT of GOOD choices! On your not so good days... You are STILL able to rise up and be there for your kids! That is SO HUGE and it will pay off as they each get older. Being able to LOVE and BE loved is the MOST IMPORTANT gift you are giving them, and your Honey.

I couldn't let your statement go unchallenged. I care too much to NOT speak the truth over you. You would do the same for me.

Thank you for being YOU, just as you are! I pray that your sweet spirit will be open and receptive to your new phase of learning to live healed.:hug:

I am looking forward to hearing about what you are learning. I think you will learn things that you want to share with those of us who love and care for you. We will be holding you up in our hearts!

Love and :hug:'s

 

[mumstheword]

Ummmmm...(((Sweet Mums))) I agree with what you say, except for the "junk" that is coming up that n...

"Soul injuries".
That's a kind way of putting it.

I really appreciate what you said to me, above, @AngelkeeperJ , it was soothing, reparative, balm on my soul injuries.

Yes, I'm feeling it in my heart area a lot since it flared up again yesterday.
I was already out of sorts from doing too much lately, yesterday morning. Then my weight had gone up a little and that annoyed me. 82 kgs still. I just want to be slim again. At least I'm well enough to stick to the plan.

It's down to 81.4 kg today.

I'm so ready to go up to Belmont. And yes, I will share with my beautiful Buds, here online.
I think.I'm still fighting a little throat/ fluey infection too, but it's very mild, gets me in in the throat in the morning and is laying me out, energy wise. I'm a bit of a write-off today, again.
I feel a lot better for the sweet, loving message you wrote, though @AngelkeeperJ

. My heart area feels immensely better for it.

Thank you :-):hug::rolleyes::yuck::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Yeah suuuuper overdone it, I must've, coz I feel like I did.
I've actually layed eyes on every one of my darling children in the last week. Only middle, estranged son J (I have two J sons, oldest and older middle) ran away and pulled his gf away as soon as he saw me.

That hurts, a lot, but not as bad as it used to.

He was at the fashion show, the other night. A very handsome, beautiful young man he is, 24 toward the end of the year.

I'm hoping he and his lovely girl, will accept an invite to our local vegan restaurant, some time after I get back.

It was a bit discouraging, seeing him see me, and then pull his girl away, not saying a word. I didn't either, it was awkward, because it was so obvious he didn't want to see me or talk to me.
So yeah, that happened.

 

[mumstheword]

So, where I live, well, it's kinda famous and infamous. It's only a tiny place, the actual village, with one, not very long and quite narrow main drag, compared to lots of country towns in Australia that have very wide main streets.
It's always full of people. People hang on the footpaths selling illegal drug products. People smoke weed in cafes. In my town, the scruffier you look, the more accepted you'll, most likely, be.
We are a major tourist destination,
internationally.

I used to be part of that. I used to entertain people in cafes, markets, halls, not so much pubs, although I can dance up a storm there and have been.know to jam along with bands in pubs, with my "egg" and voice.
Our town.is surrounded by "multiple occupancy" community's, in the bush. In fact, the earlier "counterculture" peeps of this village are responsible for lobbying for land title law, making multiple occupancy legal.

It's funny, the town became like this the year I was born, when a festival created a way of life, over here. And the name of my village starts with the same letter as my first name.

I even took some of my first steps up here, when my parents brought me up here from Melbourne.

I have a love-hate relationship with the place.

I never even wanted to live here. It was a "hand of G-d kinda thing) we were being evicted, from a place we took to be closer to my mother and fam, and my youngest daughter needed a birth place, on one of those multiple occupancies. We were offered a place in town here, from a gf of mine who was hounded out of her community housing place through domestic violence from her partner. She told me to take over. She left all her mess for us to clean up, but we got in with Community Housing.
I tried to get them to help.me leave my kid's dad after my youngest son was born, when they offered us another place, but they wouldn't help me. I ended up leaving and being homeless when my body was going to give out if I stayed with him any longer.

My ex loves it here. It's always been his dream to live here. He's in his element. He's hailed as the heroic figure he works hard to convince people he is. All notoriety has to do with the drug plant that gives this place it's identity.

I love the nature. And the fact that I have a roof over my head and a door to shut the world out and my children close by, or with me, and that, I met my guy-who-is-the-love-of-my-life, here.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling lots better now. My guy got home early and we have watched a pretty decent espionage movie -unlocked, with our Toni Collette in it, and now back on Game of Thrones. Sanza and John Snow have just taken back Winterfell.
Feeling better than all day. The last couple of days my brain flared up into overload again and I've been pretty brain-fried. So bad I had to sleep for lots of it. Doesn't help when I try to watch Netflix to distract from overwhelm and painful ruminating and emotional flashback and everything I try to watch sets me into triggerfest.
Got it right tonight though, a bit of girl power action and lots of simulated violence and although I switch off for the gore, the victories feel good. The CGI in GOT is really well done.