The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[littleoc]

You can do this, mums. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

You have come from a dark place Mums, since you first got here. It has been a blessing to watch you grow, accept, being able to get your kids back into your life.

But finding YOU made all that possible. You have hurt and cried and couldn't breathe for the pain... But here you are, grateful for the journey. Glad you are part of my life also... keep on keepin' on... lots of beauty and surprises await you.. :hug:'s

It's been amazing having you, here @ladee. Truly. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

You can do this, mums. :hug:

Thanks for the vote of confidence @littleoc. It's feeling really horrible at the mo, stupid feelings.
Hopefully it gets easier. I guess I'm here to confront this stuff, but ugh, I don't want to right now.
I have chamomile tea and lavender and frankincense oils though.

Breathing.

I can do this.

I can.
I'm just going to keep telling myself that.

Update; nurse gave me some benzos. Hopefully that helps.
Thanks for being here :-)@littleoc

 

[littleoc]

If course :)

 

[Freida]

I'm in hospital again. Feeling anxious. People I met before, that I didn't feel comfortable at all, are here. Social anxiety, big time. Oh well, that s what I'm here to work on. Perfect opportunity, I guess.

yay!! talk about a perfect place to work on your coping skills for dealing with difficult people. You couldn't have asked for a better time --- while your T is right there to help you work thru it. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I cried a lot today. I'm waiting for my pdoc.
We are doing "memory work and processing grief" and how to balance these two aspect of recovery work while in inpatients and skill up around working with our therapy team, in here...in group therapy, that is.
The main thing I'm going to be covering with my pdoc today is starting the process to getting an autism diagnosis, because I know, I know, I KNOW it's some of the root cause issues. My AS issues are causal in my experiences of trauma and a lifetime of much struggle and hardship. And not being picked up as being on the spectrum for this long and being misdiagnosed or undiagnosed for this long has been HARD, with capital H, A, R and D.

That's what I've been crying about. I guess I'm glad that I appear so "normal" ,no, that's not even true, I don't, but I've been brought up hippy on the fringe of society anyway and no one cares that much in hippydom. It's all very wafty and self absorbed and "dropping out" evasive and people who never grow out of their teenage rebellion phase and my Aspieness kind of hates it.
Hippy is the opposite life to what an Aspie type like me wants.
But I didn't get a choice did I?
If I had money it would be ok. I'd buy a property and I'd be happy as a pig in mud, swaning around in the sticks, growing stuff and not having to see too many people. Especially somewhere out, miles from neighbors, where people don't just "drop in". I hate being dropped in on.
I hated being stuck out in the sticks with my mum and all her different boyfriends too though. I needed special supports and help and I just got abused and traumatized instead and dumped on all manner of strange, disturbing and destabalizing people. I hated the city and suburbia too though (where my totally inept Dad lived). I just hated life for so many years, growing up. I was anorexic. I was so demoralized I used to take so many life threatening risks and I used to self harm. But after too many rapes and abusers and the risk of being raped and murdered, well I chose the Aspie sociopath pedo instead didn't I? Better the pedo who is doing something interesting (touring with his reggae band) than just your plain old standard raping and being murdered by a trio of psychopaths who just got out of jail.
That was my stupid shitty arse choice.
Thanks shitty arse parents. You suck.

I'm pretty angry today.

 

[mumstheword]

So ... My Pdoc wasn't validating. She didn't really take me seriously. Was evasive. I left feeling deeply unsatisfied. My needs unmet. Just another person who doesn't listen to me, doesn t really SEE me and, I think, isn't interested in me.

Such a common story for me. I must be too complex, too unempowered, too culturally weird and my comorbidity's are so entertwined it would be a pain to disentangle the ASD from the PTSD. She was like "oh it could be something else like General Anxiety Disorder" NO IT ISN'T!

So, yeah, she didn't really give me credit for being smart enough to work out in my (nearly) 46 years, with a (clearly) very Aspergers father and a autistic developmentally delayed son. I.mean, I'm a highly intelligent woman.But people don't see that. They see the hippy. They see the abused mother. They see the result of a disadvantaged upbringing. They don't see ME, the high functioning Autistic woman though. I WANT TO BE SEEN! I think she knows nothing about ASD and especially HF ASD in women.
Frustrating.
I'll talk to my GP when I get down to my home life again. Hopefully he takes me seriously.
Thank you, again everyone on.here who does see me. Who believes me. You who don't try and make me prove and justify my convictions without being open to the fact that I could (and am) telling it how it is.
I feel like I am disbelieved and disregarded by people in authority SO MUCH.
You are invaluable to me. You who listen to me. Who regard me instead of disregarding and want to get away as quickly as you can.
This is my experience. Someone who people in positions of power want to avoid, control or minimize or condescend to. It's very disheartening. I don't want to make a fuss to get listened to. I'm compliant. Mild. Or sometimes quietly and civilly distressed. I'm so underconfident and convinced of my low social worth, even though I know I HAVE SO MUCH TO OFFER.
How do I get them to SEE me!!!????
My last T bailed on me. No explanation. Was going on.holiday and never came back.
I still have my trauma councellor but she's not going to do anything but be really positive and offer me very few sessions anyway, as I've had two years and her bosses have said that's it, for now.
Gggrrrrrr signing out. Frustrated.

 

[littleoc]

:hug: You’re welcome for seeing you. :hug: Don’t give up. Maybe another doctor, especially a psychologist, will be able to talk this through with you in a more validating, useful, healing way.

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry this is feeling and being so 'normal'. And by that I mean, what has always been done to you. Invalidated. That happens to me a lot. So I do understand.

But YOU know, and as much as you need help with this, YOU did the work to find your answers. And yes, it always feels like a 'fight' to be heard. I get this too.

Just take advantage of what is being offered for you now, soak it up like you have in your past stays, and keep moving in the direction you are going.

You have made incredible progress Mums, and sorry that those that are supposed to be in the position to really validate this for you are hanging out in the Dr's lounge, talking about there expensive holidays, that you and I can only dream about.

Sometimes,it has to be enough that YOU know. It doesn't make it more valid if they agree. YOU know. Look how far you have come!!!! Stand tall and be proud... be very proud, in between the tears. Very proud of you. Lots of understanding hugs Mums... :hug:'s

 

[Freida]

Can you take her that post? Maybe if she reads it she will finally catch a clue?

 

[NatBird]

witnessing and sending support

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you everyone for the support! I'll answer properly later. I'm trying to keep off my ph until 10am as it's been.hurtung my eyes and apparently (studies have found) thst it disrupts the brain mych more if you get on screens before 10. Love you all!!!!