The Little Signs Of Recovery

[Lucycat]

In the past T has asked me what changes I have noticed in me, since I started therapy. Some of them are so small and subtle that no-one else would notice. But I am aware of them every day.

They include;
The order in which I dress after a bath or shower.
Not feeling obliged to empty my plate at every meal
Not eating at all if I don't want to
Having the TV at a volume that is appropriate rather than on number 18 ( I have no idea where that came from, but it used to be on 18 regardless of whether I could hear it)
Taking care of my hair - cut/style/colour
Not spending so much time at work - I used to do unpaid overtime
Talking more about my emotions/ thoughts/feelings/worries with Rory
Feeling more listened to
Not being so worried about being different to other people - as in acknowledging that we are all different
Accepting that past is past and present and future are to be enjoyed
Eating meals from a lap tray without feeling guilty for not using the dining table

 

[amy]

It's strange; I have the same type of problems you have. It's like a need for control and unnecessary obsessions over details. I don't feel like people tend to listen to me; I'm obsessed with my face and hair; I have to color combinate every one of my outfits; and I feel horrible when I can't finish eating, honestly, it bothers me like crazy when I throw food away; but whaat bothers me the most is doing nothing even when I'm relaxing. I'm so glad you are changing in these small details, I know I need a lot of work myself. And it's wonderful to know you are not the only strange person in the world, especially when several of the idiosyncrasies stem from sexual abuse.
-With love, Amy :hug:

 

[bluebird]

I am glad to read this, Lucy :-) It is important to appreciate the ability of making small steps, it´s just like with anything else - I failed trying to learn how to play the piano, since I wanted to manage it very quickly... I have the same approach, however, even in recovering - I would like it all to be solved in one moment, just one flash of crushing pain and horror and it would be gone forever. Well, it seems to be quite an inaccurate idea - and I am still really, really very naive about that... I realized I have to be greatful for accomplishing small aims. To be honest, I mean, I am still realizing it ;-)

For me, the most important changes are:

Calling my best friend rather than crying alone and cutting my palms
Being able to admit I am afraid whenever a man hugs me
Being able to say I mind when people are telling "jokes" about CSA
Cutting my hair the way I always wanted
Being able to admit I never felt loved by my mother (although I know she always did love me)
Not smiling all the time
Being able to cry in front of my friends when I am sad
Realizing it´s not ok to feel like a horrible person and asking my friends to tell me I am good

...and probably some other things as well :- )

 

[Lucycat]

I have realised that if I am 'fed up' of clothing I can send them to the charity shop and buy new ones. Likewise I can buy new shoes - not because I have worn out the old ones, but because I want to.

This is new - and weird!

 

[Lucycat]

I have learned that it is not always necessary to strive for perfection. Good enough can be good enough.