Anyone have signs of recovery?

[AnnieMae]

This.

That and turning the symptoms back to useful, instead of working against me.
Doesn't matter they're there, matters if they're there and not useful.

How are the symptoms useful to you?

 

[Friday]

How are the symptoms useful to you?

For me’self...

- getting hypervig back to vigilance... yes, it means being much more situationally award than most people, but it also means there’s a whole amazing world to really revel in down to my fingertips / and a point in surrounding myself with things I want to be paying attention to.

- using a sudden spike of adrenaline in something fun or useful, before it spins up into fear/rage

- putting insomnia to use / having a fuller life, rather than a miserable sleep deprived one of laying down doing nothing trying to sleep / fighting sleep / trying to sleep / fighting sleep. How many people want just a few more hours in a day? Well I’ve GOT that! :sneaky: 7 hours might be my best sleep, but if I’ve got 3 hours to kill before I’ll be able to sleep this fall, because it’s going to be a struggle to get even 4 hours? An hour at the gym, an hour pampering myself in hot baths & styled hair, an hour reading about fascinating topics with a cup of tea or chatting up friends in different time zones? = Insomnia jags are things to look forward to, rather than to dread.

- exquisite stress management = a fun, varied, full life; healthy, balanced, secure, & secured (by safety nets to catch me as I start to dip). Full of passion & purpose.

Having a really badass life, I’ve come to learn, is less about being a symptomatic, than responding to & managing symptoms before they can fully express. Maybe the best example I can thing of is being in the ocean? Either floating over or duck diving under a wave so the raw power of it just passes me by as I continue onto where I’m heading, or catching a wave and riding it... instead of being knocked down by the wave, tumbled ass over teakettle, drug bleeding across the coral, and half drowned.

 

[Ronin]

In essence, ^^ that.

Turning anxiety into excitement, or normal nervousness. Feel good about the thing, or not all that bothered, jitters but not paralyzed by it. I just got to find the thread, what about it is reaching alarm bells, & how to turn these off.

Or paranoia into flipping tables on whoever I’m paranoid about, and structures understanding. Can’t be worried about a sixpack of pansies that sparked it so badly if I’m worried about their superiors, and can’t be worried about their command if what’s in front of me is a problem of six... which means I’m back to reality, got it’s not such a big deal after all. Just this six, this moment, all else waits.

Depression into badass me time & down time that is relaxing, instead of gutting me & time wasting. Far better figuring out new wallpaper patterns & drawing than just staring onto the blank ceilings hours on end. Since I’m still gonna stare at that ceiling but come on, at least I’m thinking something better about it, meantime.

Things like that.

 

[grit]

I have been thinking about your post lately a lot. It stirred something in me.
I feel a lot of my recovery is balanced way of looking my losses and my gains. I lost all of my childhood. No one validated me and even abused me and my father though physically there abandoned me emotionally and spiritually. I left with abusive mirroring and abandoned ideals=deep emptiness.
But today and every moment I stop and think, I feel blessed, loved and loving, lucky, alive, breathing, I am here, I am a human. On material level, I have good health, to a point, great marriage, valuable property and I survived horrific experience to tell. I count my gains in every loss thought or feeling. I feel so grateful that I can see I personally had exactly the experience I needed to become me. There is no any other version of me. No entitlement to wish I was not me but who else?.
I am alive and breathing. This is the experience vi cultivate more...

I wish you space to see all your gains.

 

[Fahrenheit451]

I still get triggered but my reaction to the process has calmed significantly. After 5 long years I don't fall apart so spectacularly..instead I can usually work it out.
but pretty sure they will be apart of my life forever

I’m the same way. In the past when I was having flashbacks they were very severe. It’s taken years but I’m slowly getting a handle on them. Now when they’re over I’m not a total wreck like I used to be. I really don’t think I’ll ever get better. But I’ll be happy with just being able to cope.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I guess my question is how do people heal if they just keep getting triggered? I thought therapy was supposed to help process emotions. Sometimes I feel like it’s just all the same.

How long you been doing therapy, and how long you been stable? You still have contact with your abuser or any of their co-dependents who would likely be caught up in the abuser's manipulation? You still feel like a target? What is triggering you?

In my case, phase 1 stabilization is what I'm doing until I have finished dealing w my abusive brother-maybe another couple of months. I did a lot of the phase 2 work.... with art, journaling, poetry, and even some music and some talking but more lawyer/brother stuff would come up an hinder that process. As long as I have contact with those who hurt me, it is hard to do phase 2 work and feel it....cause I'm programmed not to feel it.. by dissociating. I have shared here....sharing my situation...but I haven't started a diary yet. So, after dealing w bro on some business, I'm hoping to move forward again with this new T and talk some more. So, what is triggering you?

And for what it's worth.....I can see lots of positive change in the past 2 years.....so moving forward, getting a handle on stress, stressors, a routine, and getting functional and maintaining that are huge improvements. Do you see any improvements?

 

[shatter eyes]

Today as i was about reach the other side of street a car rolled past the stop sign and turned in front of me. My heart jumped and instantly i wanted to punch his window and finger salute hoping he stop and step out of car. I caught myself and told myself he is an idiot not worth my time. The inner rage simmered about half a block later. I want to fight..or is it the nervous system defaulting to protect me.

*i did not use a cane today. When i use a cane this rarely happens. I am trying to improve my walking so today i did not use a cane....

I didnt act out and i did not let the bad driver ruin my day.

I am recovering....

 

[TruthSeeker]

Today as i was about reach the other side of street a car rolled past the stop sign and turned in front of me. My heart jumped and instantly i wanted to punch his window and finger salute hoping he stop and step out of car. I caught myself and told myself he is an idiot not worth my time. The inner rage simmered about half a block later. I want to fight..or is it the nervous system defaulting to protect me.

*i did not use a cane today. When i use a cane this rarely happens. I am trying to improve my walking so today i did not use a cane....

I didnt act out and i did not let the bad driver ruin my day.

I am recovering....

CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!!!! Yes, it is great when we can recognize the positive changes....and we are headed in the right direction towards recovery! Way to go!

 

[shatter eyes]

Thanks @AnnieMae for starting this thread

 

[TruthSeeker]

I think I'm coming to the tail end of my traumautic bro....Two years ago.....it would have been a no to meet up with my abusive sibling in court and say no. If it ever happened today, I could handle it in the moment......I'm feeling much more resilient. Yes, a very positive thread. Thank you!

 

[PreciousChild]

How are the symptoms useful to you?

This is a great thread, and you got some interesting responses to this question.

For me, symptoms have helped me immensely because I feel that my most transformative moments were when I could rewire my trauma while being triggered and flashing back. Trying to re-parent my traumatized child is not really effective when I'm feeling fine.

I've been going to therapy a long time, but only got diagnosed maybe 4 or 5 years ago? I've come a long way. I feel so much more in control of my life, I don't get triggered as often, but I don't think I'll ever fully "recover". Just a few months ago, I was so thoroughly seized by some flashback that I spent several days feeling like death and my brain stem was throbbing. I could not re-parent it away or meditate it away or even connect with it in any mindful way. At least I recognized it as a symptom rather than just internalizing it as proof of my utter badness. I feel that it must be trauma that is prior to any kind of cognitive awareness. How can I even?

One sign of recovery though: people respond to me very positively. I have a history of alienating people, so it's always mildly surprising that after a lunch, a conversation, or whatever, people are smiling and happy to be with me, and go out of their way to hang out with me again. I think it's a reflection of my healing and tapping into the love that got distorted for so long.But also, because I had to be deliberate due to my ptsd, I've read a lot of books and learned a lot of techniques in social skills. Getting positive feedback in the now can be healing too.

 

[Mee]

@grit and @Friday ; though this is not my question your posts answered questions I didn’t really know I had and have made me feel more optimistic. Thank you