I love this type of posts because they force to me take inventory and by taking inventory and sharing my integration gets firmer and firmer.
First what is triggering you? If you can pinpoint then you need to find ways you can make decision about that. Indecision no matter you have PTSD or not is probably one of the worst state of mind. So what are you triggers? Which ones can you do something about it? which ones are beyond your control but maybe just for now.
Therapy cannot change your external life (husband, family, jobs) ...they can only help you get stronger and develop skills, re-work developmental breakdowns (to a point) and firm your identity...all with your willingness, openness, curiosity and dedication to change and see what is there. Therapy is like the internet, a tool, that can give you guidance, information, safe space BUT therapy or therapist cannot change you...ONLY YOU CAN. Just like a person can destroy you or immensely lift you because you allowed to get involved in the situation and you cared about the person. So you can care about the therapist enough to allow to influence you (like a parent on their child), but since you are not a child, and have capacity for decision making, you must take the suggestions, the feelings arising, the perceptions arising and DO SOMETHING WITH THEM not merely saying ooh yeah that is a core issue for me and then shelving it. I am not saying you or everybody does that...but you have to be present. You have be curious. You have to willing participant to wait for a feeling, a thought, a core belief to show up and then get to work hard and deep and life time commitment to say...
I have this feeling, this thought, this core belief...who has this feeling/thought/core belief? You (the real person) or you the person created by the trauma? and trust me both are you but have very different perceptions about life. One you accept. The other you learn to live with it like evil twin ...you neutralize it, you use it in creativity (write a movie like the Joker) or you use it for other musings or you just watch it like a bad movie but you are in it. You cannot change but you can accept (
you the person recognizing all these things).
a point of close “recovery” in which they no longer have breakdowns or freak out about things? If so, how did you overcome those challenges? Mine is being emotionally mature. I cannot do it anymore.
Being emotionally immature is part of us. We all have child like sides or parts or feelings but we have to know and accept them and welcome them rather than shun them, hate them, make them feel weak and dependent. The emotionally immature is very real for most of us with PTSD cause it is like unfinished business. that poor child who was abused, neglected, or hurt beyond is mean, angry, wants attention, validation, love, nurture (just imagine an angry two year old) and you are carrying that around. You have to accept that is true for you then and you must take care of your own memory and childhood as an adult - to me personally this is the work of trauma. How to do what your parents did not do and still work, have family of your own, relationship and be adult? that is why it is so hard.
For me, I never experience breakdown other than complete dissociation during therapy sessions which I allowed it rather than resist them many many times. I had my child side, and my mother's aggressive, judgemental, abusive (inside self as self critical) as forefront all my life and believed this was me....that is it. No depth. I am my mother's parrot. If I thought (moments of bliss) of who I was, I would see emptiness and go back to my child like, my mean mother like and feel alive....ooh yeah. I am alive because I am mean and angry and just hate the world and yet I am so child like and no boundaries and everybody is my friend and I am so cool and love everybody and no strong feeling about anything blahahahaha.
I lived like that. I went to therapy and the crack was opened so wide and so far that I had no choice but chose dissociation. I am sorry there is nothing to see here except my angry, nasty side or my child side and when ^&%^ hits the fan, I have few skills called dissociation, sleeping, gorgeous anxiety of talking to myself to death, and avoiding everybody (loved living alone). That did not last long because my work is affected - zero concentration. My marriage is affected - I do not hear or understand what my husband is saying unless he yells. My inside is feeling like I am broken and missing an arm or a heart. What is going on?
Then I decided to do something I never done before.
This is me waking up from the fog.
Projection: Every feeling I have in therapy, I took it as mine. You see I lived in projection. I was no one unless I am with someone. My mother took me over. So if I was not angry like mom was, I was not there. I was my mother's face. Every feeling is mine and I was projecting. I kept up until I completely started to feel there is a point where my projections stops and the other person's stuff is. A bit of reality peeks in.
Validation/Approval: I wanted to be validated after I am not projecting. So where in projection I would think like the therapist does not like me (to I do not like the therapist). Now I could express to the therapist, I feel you do not like me and I do not know why..but I have this feeling and the therapist may truthfully tell me they do not feel that and it is OK I felt that and then I would feel hmmm so my feeling, although negative, is OK.
Core Belief: I do not like myself (hence why I was throwing it back to the therapist). Now I have to use logic and memory why? I may not recall all my childhood but I remember feeling this all my life so it is mine what do I do about it? I do not know even know what is it that I do not like...but I need to keep this feeling until I find solution or acceptance but I do find one thing - I am grateful I am learning this. I felt this all along but never knew it. At least now I know. That knowledge of my core belief gives me feelings of aliveness. gratefulness and makes me feel I am recovering. at least I know now!
Identity: Who does not like who? What is that? I meditate. I am in therapy school too so I read a lot. I am so committed to know who I am, how I am, what I like, what I do not that I am consumed by it. I have no life but to recover. I want to know who I am so bad, I would cut off my family if that is what it takes. That bad. i dream and i write and try to attach feelings that arise. Eventually and luckily, I had few breakthroughs where I felt I am the person keeping my ugly mother side, my child side, my typing here side all together. I am the encompassing air of all of my parts. and I had such an awe experience where I felt I wil not breakdown or lose my mind (my biggest fear as I learned in therapy). I will not (provided I am in an extreme traumatic experience) breakdown because I am the one taking care the child, my mom's ugly side (which is my dark/dry humor, some of creativity, my assertive or even my strength/confidence) and I love my child side - my play side, some of my silly humor, my friend making side, my creativity, my vulnerable side and my memories of childhood. All my sides have good, bad and ugly. Even my healthy side was avoidant, stupid, fool, and ignorant for all these years but yet here I am loving myself and all my parts.
I can articulate this because I experienced this in the last two years. I am in a journey. Everyday, I tackled another core belief. Everyday I feel good, bad and ugly and go OK I am human. Anxiety is when I need to work with others to solve something or leave something behind. depression for me is 100% I need to resolve a core belief. No doubt in my mind in my experience. i welcome both because I am a human growing everyday and the body, in order to heal or grow, must go sleep (depression before was dissociation for me) to upgrade my core beliefs.
I am human. I am weak. I am strong and I am in recovery. Everyday I take it as it is rather than plan. I truly hope you find one line that resonates with you in this post. Everybody is different. Everybody has their own path. This is mine.
May love shine on you so you see yourself clear.
(not religious at all but I felt to part you with that).
