The Mirror And Photographs

[Justpassintime]

My question is - what do you feel when you look in the mirror? do you feel differently when you see photos of yourself?

When I look in the mirror, I feel completely disconnected from my reflection, like it's not real and it isn't me. Odd, I know, but I am thinking that's not how most folks feel. I don't know what emotions I may or may not be having.

I hate photos, not because of how I appear (I am neither unphotogenic or very photogenic, average is my guess) it's such a disconnect for my brain. I'm not sure how to explain it.

If you felt like this and now you don't, what changed?

If you feel like this, what do you make of it?

I find it all very odd. It only became an issue because we recently had a death and there were lots of photos for like the slide show at the service. I was like wow, my kids will barely have any photos when I die, so I figured I should probably look into this, if for nothing else, for them.

 

[TLight]

Yea, I got that going on. When I had my nervous breakdown 20 years ago now, I totally stared into my eyes and had no idea what was happening, just like falling into a deep scary unknown weird turmoil filled hole.

I just don't look at myself.......seems to make things worse. Pictures or nothing........I'm like an alien.

 

[franciemarnie]

I always felt disconnected to my looks as well as my past. I could never "see" what I looked like. People would say I look like this or that and I couldn't see it. It was like a different person - the one I saw in the mirror or in photos.

I started letting my blonde hair grow out a few years ago and I saw some grey. I was instantly delighted. It proved I was real, absurd as that may sound to some.

When I had my breakdown and would put make up on in the mirror, it was terrifying because it seemed like my features were coming apart, like they wouldn't stay in place. I'd have to just focus on one eye or feature at a time until I was done. In retrospect, this was a sign of the beginning of my great healing. The mask was coming off. I was beginning to really "see" me - a real live human being, not a numb doll.

Continued healing has changed the way I literally see myself. I can recognize me in the mirror, connect to my reflection as reflecting my physical self.

It sounds bizarre except to those of us who have felt unreal all our lives.

 

[CVC]

Feeling like you see a "stranger in the mirror" is a dissociative symptom, as far as I know. There is even a good book about dissociative disorders that is titled as such. All part of "normal," I'd say, at least for trauma survivors like us!

 

[Justpassintime]

Francie, no it makes total sense. I have no "bad" feelings about it - just not connected. I'm doing well and have come light years from where I was two years ago, but the dissociative continues to elude me (lol no pun intended). I guess it just comes along in the healing "packet" as you go along, idk. I think like everything outside me is real, but I'm not so sure what I am.

 

[Barberian]

I have difficulty dealing with mirrors. I have two main reasons for having a long beard. One - I always wanted to have one. I couldn't while in the military. Two - I don't want to see my old self (military self) look back out at me from the mirror. I do disassociate at times when I look at the mirror.

Earlier this year I made an effort to just stand in front of the mirror and look at my reflection. I say reflection instead of myself, because I was having a very hard time associating with what I saw. It didn't seem like the reflection was of me. I've backslid some because once again I'm having trouble relating to my reflection. Who is that?... Who am I?...Who am I becoming?... Many questions, few answers.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I never recognise myself in the mirror and the person on the other side looks different even a few moments apart, there is no connection or understanding with it, the same goes for photographs, I've hated having my photo for a very long time. It's so alien seeing someone I know is me but could be someone I've never met more than passing with my family or in places I know I've been to - it's like both the photo me and the memory aren't real and link them together and somehow they feel more real than I am and it disturbs me. I fear it and am confused by it. I find it incredibly distressing, overwhelming and the fact that very few people understand this is even more confusing to me.

Edited to add: It's not that I'm distressed by the non-recognition of myself, but that I have been told that it's not normal and I feel guilty/ashamed of it, but also by being confused by it it can just become a background issue, it doesn't really bother me when I'm not there but I don't understand why I can't recognise myself - when I know it is me. Apart from occasionally my reflection makes me jump. I also feel negatively towards my reflection a lot, as it's the only time I really know how I look and sometimes I don't like what I see so much, it doesn't feel like me. Also sometimes I feel like a child - when I look in the mirror and see me, I get confused and upset - it takes me a long while to work it out. Other times however I look better and that always surprises me - I don't know what or why, but it looks nicer than I expected in there.

 

[Justpassintime]

it's like both the photo me and the memory aren't real and link them together and somehow they feel more real than I am and it disturbs me

Exactly!!! Thank you for giving me words.

 

[DMerish]

When I look in the mirror, I feel completely disconnected from my reflection, like it's not real and it isn't me.

It's interesting that you mentioned there had recently been a death. I've experienced what you described this several times in my life. It's happened after there's been a death of someone I've known. The closer I was to the person, the longer the experience continued, i.e. days vs. weeks or months. Each time I'd look in the mirror it was as if I wasn't just seeing myself in the present, but myself as I was in the past and how I will appear in the future. When it's happened, I've been much, much more aware of the passing of time/my time.

After a while, it goes away and it's not happening now when I look in the mirror. Now I'm just sort of surprised at times, especially after I've been having a joyous good time, and I look in the mirror (think excusing myself from company to go to the bathroom), and I see a bunch of wrinkles but the wrinkles weren't there on the inside when I was having a good time, lol!

 

[Justpassintime]

I hear you, it's all so very strange. I call it falling down the rabbit hole.... And it's such uncharted waters and sea monsters and pirates and mines floating about, it's a miracle we find anything sometimes LOL Or at least that is what it feels like.

 

[Seymour]

Yeah, got some of that. I really prefer to ignore it. after all I don't know how to explain it. I got into the habit of not mentioning it to anyone after the feedback I got years ago. Shaving some strangers face.

 

[Justpassintime]

I don't know about anyone else, but I get a bit irritated that professionals can identify all these things, but they don't seem to have remedies yet. There's enough of us someone ought to be able to come up with something. Honestly though? This site is utterly amazing to me, like I've been waiting to exhale only I didn't know it.