The Name is Kat - Abused in So Many Ways

[Deleted member 541]

Hi Kat,

Anthony is so right......My favorite words to people in recovery..STOP, LISTEN, and LEARN........

STOP how you are trying to cope with things. It isn't working. Stop trying to run from it, or push it down, it isn't working.

LISTEN to what others have gone through and what will work. Listen to your gut. Listen to your therapist.

LEARN as much as you can. Learn from others, learn from your mistakes.

Getting better is one of the hardest things that you will ever do, but it takes work and dedication to do this.

When I met my last therapist, one of the first things he said to me was that my life and my coping skills were not working for me any more.....I need to find NEW and HEALTHY ways to cope, and new ways to deal with living.......

I do hope that you will find what you need to hang on. I have always thought that anyone that goes through trauma and has PTSD as a result is a survivor. I will not give up and allow my abusers to have power over me. I am a survivor.....

She Cat

 

[Shinigami_Shimai]

*takes a deep breath and lets it out* I was coping and facing things head on with my writing. I would post on a journal nearly every other day with the crap that was going on in my life and pouring out my heart into my novels, one reveiwer said that It was as if I used my own blood to write my stories and draw my art... A year ago I met a pair of sweet sisters who were going through alot. The youngest of the two was only 16 and was like a little sister to me. She was gang raped and soon after commited suicide. It really tore me appart and I poured those feelings into a new book in my on going series dedicating it to her, because she loved those books. However when the book was finished I got critisisim for always writing such bleck and dark stories. That I had to get over things and start writing about something other then death and nightmares and sadness. That if I didn't stop writing about this stuff I would end up in a slump and never break free of it and that I will never publish or anything.

At that time I stopped posting in my journals about my depression or my panic attacks and I started writing stories to entertain instead of to help myself cope with this madness. My doctor insists that I should finish this third book of the series, the last book, but I've been avioding working on that book for other sillier stories, stories that take no thought at all. I didn't realize it until now, as I try to re-edit book 2 again, that I have been avoiding this book and with it the memories of my past. I was sure that my change of stories writing meant I was getting better. That I'd dealt with everything and was moving forwards and yet here I am staring at this book and fearing actually finishing it, for I know it will be my darkest story to this day. I just can't seem to face it and it makes me wonder why I started writing this series in the first place.

Anyways, thanks for the words of advise. *sighs* btw, I tried that therepy dairy thing here and came appart just listing my trauma, cried in my wifes arms for almost a hour, there is just to much that I still don't want to face. Well, I guess I'll just read for a while. Sorry for all this rambling, I tend to ramble more and more ever since I first opened up and it keeps coming out like a flood. Well, jaa ne

Kat

 

[anthony]

Once you open pandoras box kat, you can't close it. There is only one way through it from that point, head on.

 

[Shinigami_Shimai]

Once you open pandoras box kat, you can't close it. There is only one way through it from that point, head on.

Yeah, I know... I got most of book 2 re-edited, I just have to face the worst part of the story today, then I'll get back to work on book 3. I may need to make a post on my journal to tell people to leave me the hell alone. Why do people keep thinking it is so easy to just move and and forget the past. Like it is just a switch one turns off when they want to... *sighs*

Anyways, Back to work with me. Oh, btw, is there a rule against posting links to our works here? Batgirl was asking about reading my stories and some groups I've been on don't like outside links so I thought about asking before hand, plus these stories have caused some people to be triggered so it makes me rather leery about posting them here. So I thought I'd ask first.

jaa ne

Kat

 

[batgirl]

Hi Kat, I don't usually come into the introduction forum much anymore, not sure why, but I thought I should come here and properly welcome you, since I was talking to you about your art and writing in some other threads. Sorry to hear about your girlfriend being killed. That is just awful. And all the other crap too. It's not easy being gay in our society. One of my cousins who I'm very close to is gay and he's had a couple of near-death encounters from hetero men wanting to kill him and his partner. I'm always afraid for him for that reason. Still he's very proud of who he is and he doesn't hide. I admire him for that. Anyways welcome to the forum, I hope you get as much out of it as I have, and enjoy your time here.

Evie :)

 

[Shinigami_Shimai]

Thanks for the welcomes. The death of my first girlfriend is something I'm dealing with slowly. I think I dealt with that part of my life before even facing all the other crap. It made life hard but it also made me harder and more stuborn about living. I promised her that I would live on for her and tell our story, which I have.

Being gay can be rough depending on where you are. I finally found a place where I can be myself and not have to worry so much about being beaten for who I am. Took me five years of living out inthis big city before I saw my paranoia start to deminish. It is still there at times, but for the most part I'm not jumping at my shadow anylonger. I actually run a couple of gay youth forums and it always hurts to hear how much torment some of these kids are going through. May look up to me, but I don't see a reason why. I just live and try to make places for others to freely talk and feel safe. *shrugs*

Anyways, Thanks again for the welcomes and for taking an interest in my works.

jaa ne

Kat

 

[mouse]

Kat,
wow you amaze me in that you are fighting the demon PTSD dealing with the death of your girlfriend, found your soul mate, finally feel safe and almost accepted in the place you live.--AND you run a youth forum that is so great to hear there is so much pressures put on everyone that lives an alternative lifestyle, I am so proud to even know you via the forum knowing you are there to help the youth accept who they are. Kudos

 

[Shinigami_Shimai]

Kat,
wow you amaze me in that you are fighting the demon PTSD dealing with the death of your girlfriend, found your soul mate, finally feel safe and almost accepted in the place you live.--AND you run a youth forum that is so great to hear there is so much pressures put on everyone that lives an alternative lifestyle, I am so proud to even know you via the forum knowing you are there to help the youth accept who they are. Kudos

It has only been in the past five years that I've made any head way and mostly because of my wife. She noticed that I was avoiding a lot of stuff after reading my first book and she talked to me for a while, trying to get me to talk about the stuff I didn't like discussion. She convinced me to re-write that story and this time add in all the things I was omitting, ever horrible detail no matter how terrified and embaressed I was about it. She somehow can tell if I'm writing from my heart or not by the speed of my typing. When I was avoiding something she would pull me away from the computer and talk to me for a bit, then not let me back at a story until she knew I was ready to face it again.

It was her idea to start up a forum again, after 2 failed due to hate threats and the like. She helps monitor the sites and watches over the people who trigger my panic attacks, I seem to be triggered by any agrissive behaviour, even online. She also talks me out of a panic attack and if it wasn't for her I would have probably shut down the forum so I could hid from the world. I get these phases where I must disappear from every thing, even the internet, and I just sit in my appartment, only leaving on occation for food and rent. I hit that point last month, but she would not let me run away from everything. She reminded me that the forums were helping people and would still be there when I'm better. I told some of the mods that I was not doing well and they told me to take a break until I was better. Hard to beleive how many people support me now after being pretty much on my own most of my life.

Now I've been asked to help out with a convention that I used to be a guest speaker at for about 6 years. They want me to run a section of the convention where I get to choose what panels will be run and what films to play over the 3 days. My doctor is worried that it might be too much for me, but wants me to at least try. I'm just scared that I will not be able to handle a 3 day event where I'm in charge of a bunch of things and people. The con stated that I can run panels for gay youth, abuse surivours and so much more, I have full rein of that area. Hard to beleive they trust me so much and it really makes me want to help out, but I'm still worried.

Anyways, again sorry for the rambling. I have to learn to stop going on and on like this. Well, jaa ne.

Ps: if anyone is wondering "Jaa ne" is Japanese for "Later" I am not Japanese I just study the culture alot and I've found the word feel less final then "Bye" so I've kind of got used to using it.

Kat

 

[Lisa]

I was wondering what Jaa ne meant I was thinking so are you kat, jaa ne, or shinigami shimai! LOL t hanks for explaining that.

Welcome to the forum Kat. You've been through it, haven't you. You seem like a strong lady.

Looking forward to reading you.

Lisa.

 

[Shinigami_Shimai]

I was wondering what Jaa ne meant I was thinking so are you kat, jaa ne, or shinigami shimai! LOL t hanks for explaining that.

Sorry for the confusion. I go by Shinigami_Shimai for several reasons, one is because it is a name that no one uses anywhere so I know that it will not be taken and the other is the meaning behind the word. Shinigami Shimai literally means "Death Sister" or "Sister of Death". It comes from one of my novels in which a young angel of death falls in love with a young girl, however her family disapproves of this so takes the girl's memories of their love away and banishes the angel of death to live amongst the mortals she has become close too. The story is one that I feel strongely towards so I took on the name.

Welcome to the forum Kat. You've been through it, haven't you. You seem like a strong lady.

I don't feel very strong even though I'm told time and time again that I am. I feel like I've drifted through most of my life. *sighs*

Anyways, Thanks for the welcomes.

jaa ne

Kat