The Paradoxes Of Healing, Happiness And Love

[SeanCharles]

5 & both 7's are very true! I am gonna need to reference this entire post in the not so distant present! :)

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Please help me understand how to build that harbor

How do you feel and what do you do when you feel unsafe? It's not any different for trauma survivors. Other than we have many more vaild reasons to protect ourselves. :)

 

[Al_Lurker]

How do you feel and what do you do when you feel unsafe? ...:)

That's a hard question for me to answer because as a general rule I don't feel unsafe. I'm a large, hairy male person and as a general rule people avoid me. I've been told I am 'intimidating' though people that know me say I'm as intimidating as a teddy bear. I've also been the person that friends turn to for comfort in times of trouble since I can remember. Unfortunately, I'm not that person for my ex. The question in my case is rhetorical, I'm just another of her demons and don't expect that will change. The question has validity for any sufferer and supporter though, the sufferer should take care to explain to anyone that wishes to support them just what is needed for that safety - before it's needed. I didn't have that information and didn't do it right. Cost me everything I ever wanted....

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

That's a hard question for me to answer because as a general rule I don't feel unsafe.

And there you have it. You cannot understand her world. :(

 

[Al_Lurker]

Exactly. The analogy I like is that a man can never truly understand the experience of giving birth to a child. That does not prevent us from being good parents together or loving that child though. It takes an effort on both parties to accomplish good communication and mutual support in either case. One cannot do it alone.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

It takes an effort on both parties to accomplish good communication and mutual support in either case.

OK. I agree!

That's a hard question for me to answer because as a general rule I don't feel unsafe.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
Fair enough...wouldn't you say? It is just as hard for her to feel safe as it is for you to feel unsafe.[DOUBLEPOST=1398813728,1398813546][/DOUBLEPOST]

The analogy I like is that a man can never truly understand the experience of giving birth to a child.

With all due respect giving birth is a beautiful moment. Trauma is not.

 

[Firefly44]

@Al_Lurker, I assume your partner is a female suffering from PTSD due to a traumatic sexual experience? If this is so, it is complicated. This is something I've only just come to realize for myself: a partner (a romantic, sexual partner) can be at once a source of safety and a trigger. Your partner's rational mind and heart sees you as you-- a loving, caring person whom she loves. Her body, her brain stem, her survival instincts see you as a threat. You many not look/speak/any way resemble her abuser except that you are male and you are in sexual situations with her. That's enough to set off every alarm in her head. And she'll fight them because they don't make sense. But because of her traumatic experience, those alarms are screaming and can't be ignored.

Can you see how that can be possible?

 

[Al_Lurker]

@Al_Lurker, .....Can you see how that can be possible?

All too well.

She is no longer my partner, I'm now a threat only and no longer safety, so let's not turn this thread Into something about me. It's about understanding.... Understanding from both sides and how to overcome what can appear to some to be insurmountable obstacles to healing (or paradoxes) without destroying a relationship or one of the people in it.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

. It takes an effort on both parties to accomplish good communication and mutual support in either case. One cannot do it alone.

The fact she allowed herself in a relationship with you is proof she is TRYING.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

One cannot do it alone.

For the record. You have one thing right. "One can not do it alone." It takes complete understanding.