Sexual Assault The part i can't remember.

[Deleted member 37474]

There is a part of my rape memory that I can't access. I can't feel anything about it. Anytime I try to go there, I panic and freeze up/no thoughts, can't breathe.

Here is what I am wondering, and why does it matter to me? Did my body have a physical orgasm response during this part of the rape?

I know that I never had one in my previous experiences. I specifically know that I had one when I was 20, summer after my sophomore year.

So, back to the rape. I don't know. My flashbacks and "reanactments" suggest that it is possible. I feel like that might be why it takes something ugly in my head to complete things. I really wish this wasn't the case.

Oh, and I considered being anonymous in this post, and may regret writing it later on, but I seem to be in a new phase where I just don't f*cking care anymore.

 

[Helper]

I don't understand were you raped if you were you need to report it

Please explain again I don't understand the the problem the text was quiet confusing

 

[The Albatross]

The brain will try to link traumas... the persona will try to identify causes/reasons. They are though stand alone things no matter what your brain tells you.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I don't understand were you raped if you were you need to report it

Please explain again I don't under...

I was raped long ago and just now dealing with it. There were many holes in the memory of what happened to me, when ptsd arrived, the flashbacks have mostly filled in the blanks. But the part I am referring to, I have always "seen" but not remembered. Yes my word choice is wrong and confusing. But also, lately I can't access it at all. I guess you could say that this four week wait between therapies is really leaving me in limbo and f*cking with my mind. Never got to process this because it made me too afraid. Oh well... maybe emdr will help me figure it out. I guess my biggest question for myself is why does it even matter? Maybe I don't want the first time I ever had an orgasm to be from rape? But maybe I didn't even have one, I just don't know.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's common to not remember all parts of a trauma. I wouldn't be so quick to assume that there is a reason why that exact moment is blocked out. I think that it's erroneous to think we remember every moment of a trauma when we don't ever remember every moment of any event in our lives. Memory just doesn't work like that.

 

[Berg]

I have a similar question. I was a virgin before I was raped the first time. It was with a foreign object, so it wasn't intercourse in the traditional sense. I do remember it happening. The second time, it was fast and I didn't see it happening, but I woke up very sore and was in pain for a long while after. I hadn't had normal sex before, so my question is if I would know (from just how my body felt) that I had been raped. In my heart, I know it happened (sort of don't want to believe it), but since I didn't see it and it happened fast, I am guess I am trying to find some answers as to why I would be in pain like that if I wasn't penetrated.

The third time it happened, I was in shock the whole time and honestly don't remember how my body felt other than pressure. But I do remember he sort of pushed me off and "finished" on his own. So I my question is whether it's possible not to feel anything. I remember all the details of this one, and know it happened because I was there, but my body didn't feel a lot so I am confused how that could be.

Anybody have any thoughts or similar experiences? Sort of driving myself crazy with confusion, so it would be nice to hear from others. Thanks.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I have a similar question. I was a virgin before I was raped the first time. It was with a foreign object,...

Your body can stop "feeling." A response where you disassociate or go numb. I believe it is a response to protect you. For example, the part I was writing about in this thread, I was "floating above my body" watching what was happening, feeling nothing.

 

[Berg]

That makes sense. I guess I wish I knew what sex feels like because all I'm going on is the rapes. So it's hard for me to understand it all /put it all together. This doesn't make sense. I guess I know what happened because I was there and it was clear what was happening. But the physical feeling of it is so confusing because in my head I just think it should have felt like something when it was happening. Not just pain after or just pressure during. I don't know how else to describe it. Just confusing, I guess.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Hi :) I have similar, I remember part of what happened, but there are peices missing. One specific time, I remember what happened before and after the missing peice, but as hard as I try, its like whatever happened in between has just been erased, memory is a blank, it scares me sometimes to wonder what happened. I realized though, that the important part of the memory is still there- I survived. I might not remember the missing bit, then again maybe someday I will, but the most important is that we survived, no matter what happened in the missing parts :)

 

[Berg]

Yeah. I guess it's not so much that I don't remember, but more the way my body felt or didn't felt. Hard to explain.

 

[shimmerz]

I feel like that might be why it takes something ugly in my head to complete things. I really wish this wasn't the case.

One of the things with a BDSM style of play is to teach the sub to tie pain in with orgasm (or wanting orgasm). So, yes, people do this on purpose and can train a person to only get to orgasm when pain is involved.

My belief is, if something is trained in..... then it can be trained out. It is just a matter of finding the key to reestablishing a different trigger to lead up to it.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

One of the things with a BDSM style of play is to teach the sub to tie pain in with orgasm (or wanting...

Well, f*ck, that makes sense. Do I need to go into a reverse bdsm course to fix this? :cautious: