The Perperator - All From Teasers To Assassins

[Jade-]

Most perpetrators won't admit they've done anything wrong. Most will never apologize. If that's what you're waiting for and angry about, it may never happen and you need to accept that.

 

[blackpearl]

Hi Jadebear,

Friends ? I don't mean to be mad at any specific person here on the forum.

No, most of them wont and it's very hard to get that point. In some cases as in mine it is possible somehow, but it takes a lot. She has now after many years understood her weakness and stopped lay all HER guilt on me. It's just the word sorry that she has not been able to say yet. I've done well with her anyway. I am able to have discussions with her since I'm not as mad as for five years ago. I will not give up, this is important for my healing. In time she will get the point of her own mistakes.

 

[Jade-]

I wish my abusers would apologize, but it's just simply not going to happen. I have to find a way to deal with this shit regardless.

I wish you luck if you're not going to find peace and healing until she says she's sorry. You have a long/rough road ahead of you.

 

[cherryblossom]

She has now after many years understood her weakness and stopped lay all HER guilt on me. It's just the word sorry that she has not been able to say yet. I've done well with her anyway. I am able to have discussions with her since I'm not as mad as for five years ago. I will not give up, this is important for my healing. In time she will get the point of her own mistakes.

This sounds very positve. I'm pleased that your relationship has improved over the last 5 years. And I hope you will both be able to build your relationship to a point that you may get the apology that you so crave.

However, you may not get to that point. Perhaps it would be wise to spend more time and effort in healing you, than healing Her. We only have control over ourselves.

I will not give up, this is important for my healing.

We cannot make others do things we want them to do. Of course we can try. But if you try and fail that may lead to more hurt and anger. Work on your own self, so that if you never get that apology, you can rise above it. You might have to learn to heal without that very desired apology. And you deserve to heal whether your perp says sorry or not.

regards,
CB

 

[blackpearl]

Hi cherryblossom

Thank you for your nice and wise words.

Yes you are right about that, it can easily happen that you forget about the other part of healing. I've calmed down a lot and I don't longer let her put me down by stubborn discussions or something like that. I have the right distance to her today, it truly is important.

Try is good enough, I do realize that she is as she is. Some things you can't change. That's also true.
At the same time I do have a plan B, working out of it anyway. But plan A to hear her say it is of course the best alternative. I am aware of that I might have to give up this fight. But I'm stubborn because it's important for my healing.

It's much of a question of balancing this.

Thank you.

Regards
Blackpearl

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm gald to hear you have that balance. Great stuff!

Continue working hard on plan B and do a little work on plan A in between. But never loose sight, this is about YOU, not her.

Safe Healing
CB

 

[blackpearl]

Thank you cherryblossom,

Much have happened and it has been only a 1 month since I got retired. Plan B is priority A :-) No, I keep fighting the feel of loss and emptiness.

For those who read this, I can say that it can be a huge re leaf to hear the perpetrator in some way show regret and understand hers/his part of it, but what has been lost is still lost for ever. I just wanted to bring this up and share some of the strength we can get back by letting out the anger where it truly belongs. After that it gets a little bit more easy to live with the rest. The road is long. Planing a future is hard too, it's important to look the positive in the negative tho it's hard.

Regards
Blackpearl

 

[Freddy_hiding_less]

There are so many shades of these feelings, non violent anger without righteousness just expressed emotion can be as a thunderstorm, which leaves the air fresh and easy to breathe. That's something really healthy in my opinion. And so is anger expressed moment by moment to stand up against abusive behavior.

Another shade is resentment, to me that's a sign that something is out of balance and these imbalances is what has to be fixed, to just express it is healthy only as a vent, very, very, few people can receive resentment gracefully.

I think it has to be worked through until it can be presented without emotional pressure before it can be taken to whom it concerns.

 

[blackpearl]

Hi Freddy... Hi Sweden !

This is why I wrote the thread about different type of angers. It also varies from person, culture, cause of the trauma and so on. Freddy, can you confirm that we Finns are like that. That we get angry and then let it go, it is also a cultural thing. Not always a question if I have to get calmed and suspected for violent behavior that needs therapy. Know that there is lot of racisms against us in Sweden too and the therapists do wrong already at that point. This is the truth !

You can never treat some Americans with Finnish therapy for example.*LOL* Some pictures just popped up in my head...

Anger towards the guilty one is of big importance as you say Freddy, so I agree with you. It's like fresh air after confrontation, in controlled ways of course.

 

[Iam]

Oh so right Freddy! Our emotions need to be under control when we confront someone and we need to confront for the right reasons. Another piece of this puzzle is that we cannot expect the perp to understand, accept or apologize for what he/she did. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment if we expect that.

I tried to talk with my father about some of my traumas that weren't even specific to what he did to me. He got off the phone abruptly making it obvious that he is not in a place emotionally to discuss this stuff with me. It made me a little angry, but ultimately, it doesn't really matter if he fesses up or not. He KNOWS what he did and I KNOW that he has regret which makes it easier for me to forgive him. I was able to forgive my mother before she even was willing to admit to the damage she had done. She still blames it all on my father and I know that she can't even remember the worst things she did because she was blackout drunk. Still, for my own health, I needed to forgive her. Carrying anger and resentment will eat away at my soul. It's not worth it. Funny thing is, she and I now have a pretty good relationship. I know she loves me and I know that her own mental illness will never allow her to confront her own issues in any depth. I actually feel sorry for her.

I believe I have forgiven my perps, both familial and strangers, but may find as I work through these things that I am actually in denial. I am really skilled in self denial LOL! If resentment or anger are still in me I pray that I can see and accept it because only then can I let it go. Letting go has absolutely nothing to do with my abusers responses or acceptance of fault. It is all up to me and for my own good!

 

[Iam]

You are right BlackPearl. There are different reasons for anger and resentment. And righteous anger against injustice is not wrong at all. Anger is an emotion, period and a secondary emotion at that. Anger is neither right nor wrong, it just is. Letting go of anger is another ball of wax and as you said, anger should be let go of. To hold onto anger, righteous or not, is simply unhealthy for ourselves.

Since anger is a secondary emotion, what I want to do, is look at the reasons for the anger. It comes from some other emotion, feeling unjustly treated, invalidated, hurt, disappointed, whatever, there are a mulitude of reasons. So, what is the root cause of the anger? What feeling of hurt made me angry? That is the issue/feeling that needs to be dealt with in order to heal.

 

[blackpearl]

Now I'm so ****ing mad at another ****head I came to think of !!! He was about 50, me 10. An insane man, a war victim got his anger on us children. An ape with issues ! He made me and the others do what he ordered, he didn't show any mercy. It was what he told that has to be done his way or we got to do some things if we didn't. **** that dick !!!

And YOU say to ME that violence is wrong !?
How offending isn't that !!!!!!