General The Plot Thickens - Panic Disorder With Agoraphobia

[Wastinglight]

I just learned yesterday that DVA considers my guy to have a comorbid diagnosis of "Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia". This doesn't come as any great surprise, given what I know of his symptoms, however I'd never applied the label of agoraphobia to his condition before. A few lightbulbs have turned on since I started researching these disorders (apparently they are now considered separate disorders in the DSM-5).

It should have been a no-brainer really. After all, I DID know that he was housebound for 6 months during the worst of his symptoms. But I hadn't yet connected the dots until now on other stuff. Like, why doesn't he drive? We've talked about it before, but he's always really played it down whenever we've discussed it, as if he could go out and get his licence tomorrow, he just doesn't want to.

I think I also need to accept that my dream of us going for a holiday to the U.S. might never become a reality. I already knew that it wouldn't happen anytime soon, but I guess I hoped that at some point, maybe in 5-10 years' time, he might be doing well enough to go. Perhaps that is unrealistic.

In fact, it suddenly seems unrealistic to expect that we might be able to go anywhere together (such as, an overnight trip away from home). So far, he has used the excuse of not wanting to leave his dogs overnight as the reason why we haven't gone on trips together.

Interestingly, early in our relationship, there were a few times when he has been excited about the prospect of doing activities that he hasn't done since he was diagnosed. For example, he suggested that we go to see a live band a few months ago, and once also asked me if I wanted to take a trip to a attend an event in the north of the state. We started making plans, and then he started coming up with excuses and shut it down. He hasn't mentioned an interest in doing any of these things for months now. It makes me sad to think that he felt like he maybe could do these activities at one time, and then (presumably) realised it was too much for him. I really hope that I haven't contributed to his change of mind.

This hasn't changed my view of our relationship, or my willingness to make a life with him. It's just that I've now changed my expectations on certain things from "Maybe we will do XYZ together in the future" to "We will probably never do XYZ together."

The one thing I'm unsure about it is whether it's advisable to gentle encourage him to consider doing some of these activities, or whether it's better just to leave it be, and let him manage things himself.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe the US trip is out, maybe not. I dream of going to Australia, so similar?

Traveling to the other side of the world would indeed be the ultimate test. If it happens for me, it's many years off.

Have you traveled with him before?

I need a rest day after every activity day. I know it drives certain people nuts, but it's a requirement of traveling for me. And it means either a longer trip or foregoing certain activities or both.

 

[Wastinglight]

Traveling to the other side of the world would indeed be the ultimate test.

I think my guy would regard international travel in the same way.

It's funny, in some ways understanding more about the panic disorder/agoraphobia side of his condition has helped me feel a bit better in some ways. In particular, the issue of how infrequently we have sex. From what I've read, sexual dysfunction, inhibition and avoidance are very very common in people who suffer from panic disorder - reportedly more so than in other anxiety disorders. It's always hard not to look inward and see myself as undesirable or otherwise responsible in some way for his lack of interest in sex. But researching the physiological impairment that occurs as a result of severe anxiety, it's easier for me to accept that it's really not as simple as 'getting in the mood' for my guy.

In case others are interested, this article was particularly helpful:

Link Removed

There is some commentary on PTSD (mentioning combat PTSD in particular) in that article as well.

 

[Wastinglight]

I know it drives certain people nuts

I'm pretty cruisey about just about everything. He cancels a lot of appointments and events, and on some days we cancel everything and just stay at home and watch TV, because he doesn't have capacity to do anything else. I know he will never take me out to dinner, and will probably never meet any of my friends, but he let me know about a lot of his limitations before we even got together, so I already had an idea of what I was getting myself into. There's only one thing that I find hard to accept (and sends me off into my own anxiety spiral), and that's when he wants us to spend nights apart, for no good reason (although I imagine we both have different ideas about what constitutes 'no good reason'!).