The Relationship Between Mom, The Abuser And Me

[Reds]

So my mom is still pretending nothing happened between me and the abuser. She knows it all, I even sat her down and told her what happened but she still pretends nothing happened and wants me to also pretend.

To cut the long story short, he is in hospital and mom keeps calling me to go visit him in hospital. Like really? Does she think I want to see him again? If I go to that hospital it would be to finish him off.

I don't know why my mom is so attached to him, I swear I am close to cutting my mom off because of this. It is clear she chose him over me but does she now have to force me to like him. I do not want to like the man.

 

[ISupportHer]

This post came up as a recent one when I logged on and it caught my attention. I hope you don't mind my responding.

First, as a supporter, I cannot pretend to know how you feel. I just wanted to make a few observations.

I saw first hand how some family members wanted my wife to at some level "forgive and forget". To tell you the truth, before I came to have an understanding (and I do think that in some ways I have an awareness if not "understanding") of some of the whole PTSD thing, I probably thought that was an option too. Perhaps you have read or been told that sometimes others, including family members don't know what they don't know. There is not always an awareness of how YOU see it and where you come from. They just don't know. That is a large part of the problem sharing with "outsiders"

Is this an excuse? Of course not. I hope that there is just some way you can look at this and know that you don't have to change how you feel to accommodate others, even your Mom. I hope you DO find a way to get through it without causing harm to yourself.

Second, I firmly believe that you or any other sufferer are not required to forgive. That is only something YOU can decide. I DO hope that you can find a way toward healing, however.

OK, that's all. Just a few words of encouragement. Not meant to tell you what you should do or feel.

ISH

 

[elizabeth0823]

I am outraged at what has happened to you. Can you find a relative or adult friend for support? If so that would help. you are still in crisis. Is there a rape crisis center? Your feelings arev right on target. Your mother did pick him. You are strong and intelligent and wonderful. Remembef that. Elizabeth.

 

[WillyKat]

My opinion is that people only believe they feel comfortable with. She's probably just in denial, which is common. She may deep down feel guilt that she didn't protect you. And that's a hard thing to look at directly. It's going to take her some time, assuming it ever happens, to move through the denial to acceptance. She wants to pretend and wants you to pretend to avoid facing the truth, cuz the truth is so hard.

For me, and perhaps you, I get triggered when people don't hear me, don't understand me, don't take my word for it. So I can understand how you feel about your mother not responding the way she should. But we have to understand that hearing your story will be a very painful jolt and the automatic response will not be what we need or want.

Now I'm not saying to 'be patient' because some people never leave the denial part. I'm just saying that you should stick to your story, repeat it even, don't see him, and don't pretend. Don't play the part they would have you play. If she or they come around, great. But it may take a long time and may not ever happen.

 

[NYGirl]

Reds, well, I have to say that I read your post from the perspective of my children, all girls, ages 18, 15 and 13 and cried.

I was your mother until recently in many ways. The abuser, their father, was not sexually abusive, but he was abusive in all other ways, spiritually, mentally, financially, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, and physical. This went on in our home for over a decade. It steadily got worse and finally I had to get DFS involved and he filed for divorce instead of getting help. Even then, though, even after he filed for divorce and for all intents and purposes we were "free" I was still clinging to this man. Why??? I was in denial, I loved him not the behaviors, I am religious, I had hope for him and what could be, I thought he needed professional help and could be better. I clung to him and all these outlandish idealisms and kept encouraging my children to have a relationship with him, set some boundaries (ha! not that I ever could or did) and try to have a relationship with him because of the position not the man he is.

Well, my oldest gave up a full scholarship to nursing school and at 18 this year she got married, is pregnant and lives out of state. My middle one has been suicidal, depressed, and full of abusive rage for three-plus years, and my little one is well, lost in the shuffle. The younger two are in counseling. During the divorce process the court ordered psych evals and I found out a month ago that I suffer from PTSD from living in this abusive environment for so many years. Because of my PTSD and the poor choices I made in staying in this environment and clinging to an unhealthy relationship I literally have lost custody of my girls and they are in private custody now. I tell you all of this because as a mom I had underlying issues (depression, guilt, shame, undiagnosed PTSD, anxiety) that affected my thinking and my whole being.

Your mom may very well have the same issues and has a lot of denial about her issues as well). Your mom is a codependent. Reds, you seem like you are able to set boundaries. I applaud you for that. I am learning how to do that. You cannot fix your mom. You can only control your next concious decision. Do you want a relationship with your mom? Visualize that. What does that look like? Write it out if you have to. Then calmly set the boundary with your mom. I had to do that with my kids and they have done that with me. Their father is a big trigger for me. Just hearing about him affects me negatively. I have had to tell my children that I love them and want to be involved as ever with them in their lives, but that for healing for me I cannot tolerate any conversation that involves their father. Sounds like you need to do something similar perhaps or you will lose out on a relationship with both parents.

I am sorry that you experienced trauma at the hands of a parent. That is just not okay. My ex was abusive but so was I in staying regardless of how good my intentions were. I put my kids through years of strife and abuse by my choices. I have made amends to them, they have forgiven me, but it will take a long time to heal. Setting boundaries and sticking to them is vital in that process.

 

[Jane.l]

Have been there - a long time ago but the advice I would give my younger self with the benefit of time . Is be assertive - I know it's hard with family - but it's worth it for your future mental health . I put everything into stopping everyone else feeling bad or guilty - when they should have felt bad and guilty and nobody gave a second thought to me . It was all about denial and outward appearances . He was invited round for tea even after police statements and it was all there - they read in graphic detail what he did to me and still managed to deny it !!!!! I had to go out or socialise with him . I was made to write him a get well card on his death bed and I cannot begin to tell you how that kills me now - that he thinks I forgave him before he died - I freaking didn't !!! Don't let yourself be pulled into this - please stand up for yourself now .

You must do this for you - set your boundaries with electric fences - do it now - it will save alot of pain and regret later .

 

[Reds]

NYGirl, I wish I could let my mom read what you just wrote. I am sorry about your daughters and everything you had to go through as a family. I hope things will get better for you and thank you for those words.

Jane.I I understand what you mean, I also feel that I am expected to forgive him. The fast that he is in hospital does not affect me in any way, I just don't care about what happens to him whether he lives or dies it makes no difference to me.

Willykat, she has been in denial for far too long, I really don't think it will ever change.

 

[Jane.l]

Reds it made no odds to me either - no it did I wanted to dance on his grave but instead to appease and please I got dragged into get well cards - be strong stand your ground don't get dragged into the Denial - it will be easier to live with later .

 

[DMerish]

Reds,

I haven't read all of your posts, or don't recall what happened to you and this person. That doesn't matter though, so no need to get into it in this thread.

You're either approaching adulthood or you are an adult. Either way, you have the right to choose whom you will spend time with and whom not to. Regardless of your reasons. It's a simple basic right of every human being. Period. So, be true to yourself and your feelings. Be genuine and direct with your mother, firmly, calmly and kindly. Figure out what you will communicate to her, one last time.

Something like, "I understand you want me to go see him and you think I should. However, I don't agree. I'm not interested in seeing him. I won't go and I'd like you to accept that. I'm not going to go, so please don't ask me again or try to talk me into going anymore. I not going to go. I don't feel any need to be in contact with him, and when you try to talk me into going, it makes me feel like I want to push you away, and I don't want to do that. Will you please try to understand?"

Get the "I'm not going" message said three times. Finishing what you say with "please try to understand" (1) encourages the listener to confirm they got the message because refusing to understand makes them look stubborn, even to themselves (2) provides agreement from the other person to you that they'll back off and, (3) when they say they understand, or will try to understand, their self image of themselves as being a good person is enhanced.