The Sad Dutchman

[Darksoul]

Hell of a lot more happend in these 4 years. I remember the fear and the confusion on many occasions. I guess Sarajevo was just the worst as it dragged on and on. It was to much to long. It was also the moment I realised I was out by myself as my French brothers denied me food. Such a helpless feeling. It sucked.

 

[Darksoul]

I remember the first time I came back, with a plane full of soldiers. A wall of people awaited us, family, friends, it felt warming.

The second time I came back there was nothing. I started using drugs and booze to get through the days. Alert, anxious, affraid. I slept with a gun under my pillow. It took me years to cool down again. I moved arround a lot unable to hold a job very long. I had to call in sick to often. The days that I was just to f*cked up, the nights I skipped affraid of the nightmares to come. It got a little better over time but still far far from good. I realised to late that this thing doesnt fade away. I guess time doesnt heal all wounds.

At the moment I feel like I have been sentenced for live. I tried a lot over the last 3 years but things only got worse. I can barely make it through the day. Every moment of silence pulls me back. When a truck passes I see the apcs rolling out of the fog. At the schoolyard people hear the childeren making noise, I hear the people screaming on the hall way.

I read a lot, I garden, I cook, I build things, anything that keeps me distracted. Some days are better but I dont think one day has passed that I havent been back in Yugoslavia.

 

[Darksoul]

At the very start I tried to explain. This seemed like a hopeless mission in the end so I stopped talking about it. People even mocking me, i havent been to a real war because I wasnt in the trenches. If only they knew the trenches where 150 meters away. I went up the roof once where the French had guards with nightvision binoculairs. We sat there and watched them sneak arround and fight. In the trenches.......

Even my own governement pissed on me. I had little savings left, was without a job and a home. When I applied for social security they told me there was no way. Whom did I think I was, you where gone for years, theres nothing we can do for you. Go and get a job. f*ck me.....

Well I won that part, i got jobs, I was left no choice, had to carry on and so I did. To bad I lost it in the end....... I hate that fact but for now there is little I can do....

 

[Darksoul]

I often hate myself for not being stronger. I wonder how things could of been without this burden. I have a pretty sound brain when it comes to analysing things. This and my need to drown in work, to keep my mind of things, got me into some great positions. Sadly never sustainable. Im older now, I cant keep up the fight. Im lucky Im Dutch I guess, I was able to make a good living and our healthcare system is pretty solid. I get a good income, my wife works in real estate and my kids do great at school. Im really lucky when it comes to that.

All because I got drafted. Because I got lured into this war that wasnt mine. If my son ever comes home telling me he is going to join the army ill kick his ass untill his brain will function properly again.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

You ever tell your story to anybody Darksoul? Or is this your first time writing about it and expressing it?

 

[Darksoul]

You ever tell your story to anybody Darksoul? Or is this your first time writing about it and expressing it?

This complete maybe the second time. Bits and pieces, if someone really asked. I normally try to avoid talking about it, it shakes me up. I dont think people get it anyway. War is like salt, if you never had it the taste cant be explained. Especially the things it does to me emotionaly and physicaly.

Maybe also out of shame, I know for sure it affects everyone but it seems to have hit me pretty hard. Yeah for those that know its probably not a big deal, but "normal" folks would probably label me crazy. At this stage I dont care anymore, before it was problematic due to work and future plans if I had any.

 

[Darksoul]

Its hard to tell about something when every few words you have to bite your teeth when someone is looking at you. Writing is easier, it winds me up but I can take breaks. I did it at night, when everyone is asleep, or now when my wife and kids are out shopping. I try not to show them. It affects them when Im in this state of meltdown. I dont want that.

 

[Darksoul]

Being like this also caused isolation, for me its hard to keep in touch. To go over for visits, I never know when a good day shows up. Sure I have some old friends, some of the guys I knew from before the war. They all know, they dont ask. I used to go out but always needed alcohol or anything that surpressed my emotions. I stopped doing that a long time ago because I cant trust myself. I have enough problems as is.

 

[Darksoul]

Hopefully you can read Im not an idiot. The war itself is like a movie rewinding and playing over and over again. I would recognise any of the faces, 25 years later. I know what is wrong with me, I can avoid some of the effects at times. This is probably why therapy isnt working for me. I dont feel that some doctor can take away anything with a weekly chat. The drugs dont work either, maybe because of the amounts I used to take up untill 20 years ago. I have the same with the illegal ones. I tried, also a long time ago, cocaïne made feel asleep, xtc makes me numb. I feel nothing of the effects why people take the shit normally. In my case its probably a good thing to.........

 

[Darksoul]

Its a paradox also, on one side theres the troubles, on the other side it helped me overcome some of the regular battles in life. What ever the challenge it will always be easier then war. I tried to laugh things away, sometimes making me inconsiderate. I was able to help others at times, with their problems. Often because i could relate to their pain, maybe even feel it. I dont know.

So here I am. Thats most of the story.

Now what am i supposed to do? Does any of you had the same and if so how did you fix it. If at all. Or is this just it, should i surrender and just let it go. I guess Im pretty used to myself by now, I can survive day by day. What I cant do is take on more.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Nah man you're not an idiot.
It's a process and there isn't a for sure cure all symptoms.
You're on the right path. Staying away from booze and drugs is a good idea.
There is a saying I heard somewhere that went, "When you can tell your story with out tearing up or crying you know you've healed."
Writing definitely helps. I've struggled with anxiety pretty bad for a few years now.

When I first joined this forum I hardly left the house to buy cigarettes. Thankfully I no longer smoke now.
The best a therapist can do is let you tell your story again and again exploring different areas.
Problem is most of them just wanna send you off into groups and other shit off the bat and prescribe you drugs instead.
One thing with the anxiety is to just give your life to God. When it's your time to go it's your time to go.
The best you can do is make amends and repent. Sometimes that anxiety is letting you know your soul is going down the wrong path.

Give thanks each morning ask for the armor of God and go about your day.
You're carrying it all on your back and you need to let it go.
But my dilemma was how to let it go? It's easy to just say that.
But to explain how to let it go? I'm not sure I know how to explain that part yet.
Because it feels like it's not up to you to remember or not. It just is there.

It just doesn't bother me as much anymore I suppose.

 

[Darksoul]

I worried about that, there is no cure for all symptoms. On the other hand, now I know what to accept.

"When I first joined this forum I hardly left the house to buy cigarettes. Thankfully I no longer smoke now."

Not sure if I must be happy for you appart from the fact that you stopped smoking ;)

Sometimes it not bothers me but thats just sometimes. These are the times people think Im inconsiderate..... That soldiers mentality I guess......