The Sex Thread

[Deleted member 1860]

So another member asked me to start a thread about sex where we could talk about sexual issues. (Obviously I agreed, and so here we are...) I know it can be hard to bring up sexual and relationship issues, so hopefully this can be an ongoing thread where people can ask sexual things and not feel ashamed to do so. I realize that sex is a triggering topic as I have noticed this objection brought up in chat before. It is up to individual members to monitor their own reactions and if something is too much for you, then maybe this topic isn't right for you to discuss/view at this time. Thank you!

For the sake of getting the ball rolling, I'll start with one of my own sexual issues that is undoubtedly related to my abuse. My issue is that I have a hard time saying no. I am not a slut nor do I sleep around. My issue is that within the scope of a relationship it is almost impossible for me to say no unless I am in a full blown flashback. I feel that sex is a way to keep my partner happy, and conversely, if I don't give him what he wants, he will get sick of me and leave me. I actually had a past partner do this to me, so of course it just skewed my view of sex even more. Now with the current guy I'm interested in, my views on sex are coming out and he corrects me....ok, that sounds bad, but I assure you, it isn't. What I mean to say is that he tells me that sex is a beautiful thing between two partners and it is important for both to get pleasure out of it--A stark contrast to my ingrained views!

 

[Bookoffee]

I have many issues around this. Sex has been a apart of my life as far back as I can remember. Whenever I try to have sex with my wife I have flashbacks and will freeze and not enjoy it. I get scared. In my last relationship when this happened to me, she had me move out of the bedroom and stay in the guest bedroom. I ended up being there for a year before we decided we were not a good match.

I love my wife very much and want to fulfill this with her but she is letting me deal with the issue through therapy before we start to have sex again. It has been about a year since we had sex and she has been very supportive. I have been very fortunate but I am ready to explore and I am scared to make the move. I told her I was ready but she wants to work on our relationship more before that happens. Our communication hasn't been the best and we need to work in that area before we move onto a deeper part of our relationship.

Thank you for starting this thread. I hope to find it helpful.

 

[Tympre]

My husband and I are in seperate bedrooms due to my nightmares, but we share one of the rooms on weekends and sometimes one night during the week, depending on how much sleep I average. The less sleep I get, means more nightmares and more issues sharing a bed. I am celibate but not by choice, see I have a had time keeping my abuser out of my head. So I hear or see him in my head when I kiss or such on my husband, its been like this for the last year. My husband has not asked for a divorce and does not seem interested in other women or in eaving me so I am blessed. I have my days where the abuser is not in my head and I try to take full advantage of that, but when it comes to more than just cuddling the jerk is right back there. I live in the same house the abuse happened in right now, but we are moving the winter and we(hubby and I) really hope that will help.We will be sharing a room then as we are moving to a smaller place, out in the woods.

 

[TonyG]

Happy to say I have no issues here, just saying

 

[darrenS]

happy to say the same here as well, but am always very aware of my partners reactions and feelings . Sex is a beautiful thing when shared between two willing partners , but have always found that patience and sensitivity is crucial is gaining an understanding of each others wants , desires and views

 

[whserenitynluv]

I'm not married and I am single , for the most time I ever have been. I've spoken that my t feels I should branch out and meet new people and that is a great start. In that back of my head I want a relationship, not just for sex( bonus) but for comfort and friendship. Someone who is here someone I can call and give intamacy too. It doesn't have to be the peak, but sex comes in many forms of intimacy, and I miss that. I have no issue having sex, and this is the longest that by choice I've gone without it. But even more just the closeness and intimacy . How long were in recovery before you got into a relationship?

 

[Viosinger]

I sleep better with my partner (boyfriend) in bed with me, but sex can be touchy sometimes. It's tough balancing my desires & delicate tolerance for rejection with his desires and with my moments where my brain can't differentiate him from my rapist. Sometimes I need the light on so I can see it's him, or just have to ask that he be very, very gentle when I know I'm not totally centered. Or hearing him say something g, anything, can help. Most of my issues are with foreplay & other things. I was never abused vaginally, so I'm happy to have some piece of me that I can give freely to my current partner. The hard part, then, is that it's the rest of me that can lead to terrible triggers, which can be difficult to explain sometimes.

 

[Wyakin]

I have never had consensual sex with a man. Never. All my experiences have been forced. Just lately I started getting closer to a female friend of mine. We have got really really close and I have to say it is the safest I have ever felt while having sex. It was a really gradual build up and all I have to say if I start getting triggered is careful and she backs off. She doesn't back right off and panic either, just moves back to the last thing I enjoyed.

The touching is a bonus though, my favourite part is just laying together skin to skin hugging and talking. I like to run my fingers over her back because I know she enjoys it. I get just as much pleasure out of seeing her happy as I do out of what she does to me.

 

[The Albatross]

Blocked in sexual intimacy. It is a combination of trauma and physical pain. Difficult to negotiate... at a stalemate presently, for about a decade. I find even if I can deal with the more painful physical aspects... psychologically I am no inclined to be "that" vulnerable... ever again. Pretty damned sad really, when you think about it. I implicitly trust no one to be that vulnerable and I have tried, short of adultery.

 

[BlueOrange]

It took me a long time, and being corrected on my views, before I had satisfying sex. (Bad sex can relieve stress, but head massage from wife 2.0 is better.)

I would be so f*cked up if I was still living in a place where I was abused! It's bad enough having walls painted the same colour.

A nasty cocktail of performance anxiety (when I want to start things) and self-loathing (when she wants to start things) has made things difficult in this area lately. The slow climb of improvement seems to be underway, fortunately.

 

[mrsps]

I don't enjoy sex, never have. Have been with my hubby for 4 years and in that time have had very little sex (and was only in the first few months we were together that we had sex). Im lucky in the fact he isn't really interested in it either so no pressure from him.
I wish I did enjoy it but I don't. I do feel like a bit of a freak as it is a normal part of any relationship which most others seem to enjoy.

 

[mamachick]

Wow-what a good topic. I can imagine the diversity for various reasons. I think its really complicated. While I was not sexually abused as a child, I witnessed my mother having sex, even with my sisters husband. I dont want to say that it left me with a feeling that it was dirty, but more conservative, yet not at all with partner for most of life. My first husband raped me, so I went through a period of being afraid to say no, or even being alone with a man. I think I married my second husband because he had a low sex drive and it was a small part of our relationship. But as I felt safer and wanted more, he was disinterested due to his own issues. After 17 yrs of marraige-we seperated, but never divorced.

I was in grad school for psychology and dated a superior that I thought was wonderful. He was a sociopath. I ignored signs for a bit but discovered that he had been drugging me, and am still not sure what he did to me. I just know that my cervix was tore up as a repeated rape victim would be. I suspect he used objects and also sodomy. After this I was very careful and avoided sex. I had great gay male friends who I could hang out with too. Eventually, I met guy that I trusted fully. Sex was great. He turned out to be a pathological liar, but sex was so good it was difficult to end the relationship.

After 3 years, I dated a man for 3 months. He turned out to be an alcoholic and was verbally abusive. Early on, he told me that he feared that I had a quality of life that was above his-I assured him that I did not care about material things. Sex was ok. Then he became verbally abusive, and getting angry with me because he thought someone was looking at my butt. When I ended it, he said that he gave me Hep C and HIV. I went into panic attacks. I went to ER and was tested and told to retest in 6 months. I went for those tests today. I have no sex drive and do not want to change that. Hell with sex.

So to summarize, I think I have recovered issues of ptsd around sex, it has come full blow by nasty words. My husband wants to be back together and we are trying to date, but I want nothing to do with sex even if my tests are negative. If they are not, I know I will be in real emotional trouble given other illnesses I have. And there may be a local man missing his family jewels.

I really dont want to be touched except for getting a massage. I am totally changed.