anthony
Founder
Many adult lives continue to be tormented by the specter of flawed relationships with estranged parents, especially in cases where childhood neglect or abuse occurred. These kinds of ghosts will very often never be laid to rest, and open discussion about what took place is unlikely to occur.
How each person deals with this situation is highly individual. In many cases, there has been a conscious decision to walk away from the abuser at an age where the appropriate considerations and follow-up actions could be taken without fear of further reprisal. For instance, the adult children of abusers often tend to place a reasonable physical distance between themselves and their parents, and they carry on completely separate lives without parental contact being maintained.
Desire to Confront the Abuser
However, in most cases there will remain some degree of desire to confront the past. Placing a physical distance between parent and child is simply insufficient; the victim can feel that their abuser still retains control in the relationship, as the child never had an opportunity to assert his own authority and point of view. He has, quite simply, never had the opportunity to confront his parents or to hold them accountable for their actions or inactions as parents.
Code of Silence
Many of those abused, even when they recognize the need to confront a parent about past actions, do not want to re-open old wounds for several reasons. It is typical of abuse victims to say that they wish to avoid creating upset and anxiety for other family members, especially for siblings who may not have been exposed to the same ordeal.
The fact is that these families were often so dysfunctional that, sadly, a common code of fear and silence passed through all of the siblings, even if each one suffered the same fate and would have benefited from shared experience and grief. The desire for siblings to continue protecting each other under “the unspoken code” can continue long into adulthood, sometimes indefinitely.
Dealing with News of Terminal Illness
Despite all of the negative pent-up emotions and connotations, learning of the terminal illness and pending death of an abusive parent can present very mixed emotions to adult abuse victims and their siblings.
Very careful consideration is required before deciding how to deal with this news and whether a visit to the terminally ill parent should be made, especially while the parent is still “of sound mind” and communicative, should that be the case.
Being a Supportive Partner or Friend
Supporters and partners of the victim also need to be extremely careful in dealing with friends and loved ones who find themselves suddenly confronted with the news that their abuser is dying.
While it is all too easy to advise that the abuser deserves no sympathy and no visits, the plain fact is that nobody apart from the victim knows what they feel at that precise moment. The ill person is still their parent. The ill person is the only father or mother that person has had in their lives. This may be their sole opportunity for genuine closure, and if they fail to take it, the decision could be regretted.
Advice to partners and friends of a victim would be to simply be there, be supportive and listen, but to offer no judgments whatsoever, since these are inappropriate.
Deciding Whether to Visit – The Benefits
There are many cases where abuse victims have chosen to visit a terminally ill parent in the dying months. This can be cathartic for the victim as well as for the parent, as long as the purpose is not simply confrontational.
Seeing an abuser in their time of weakness and vulnerability will be a new position, and it invariably redresses the power balance.
Chance to Apologize
It can also offer the parent an opportunity to consider and construct an apology, if such is in their nature. It is at a time of terminal illness that many people will realize what they did wrong to others and will seek to rectify -- or at least explain or express distress at -- their actions.
It may help the sufferer considerably to know that the parent goes to their grave with regrets or upset over past actions or even to know that they merely acknowledge and accept what they did.
No Regrets
Conversely, if a victim chooses to see a parent and show compassion, and there is no regret or acknowledgement, this may still help. The “victim” is still the one in the position of strength and control, and he can still say what he needs to say.
Most importantly, seeing a parent in their dying days gives a victim the chance to look their tormenter squarely in the eye and say, “I am no longer intimidated.” If appropriate – and again, this is highly individual – it may feel right to say: “I forgive you”.
Move On With PositivityThese sorts of confrontations will usually allow the victim to move on with their life in a way they could never have envisaged if they were still carrying around the former specter (and old image) of a more potent, hurtful parent.
Therefore, while it seems absurd to suggest showing compassion in the dying days of a tormenting parent, there can be certain benefits for the adult victim, and it is often a risk worth taking.
How each person deals with this situation is highly individual. In many cases, there has been a conscious decision to walk away from the abuser at an age where the appropriate considerations and follow-up actions could be taken without fear of further reprisal. For instance, the adult children of abusers often tend to place a reasonable physical distance between themselves and their parents, and they carry on completely separate lives without parental contact being maintained.
Desire to Confront the Abuser
However, in most cases there will remain some degree of desire to confront the past. Placing a physical distance between parent and child is simply insufficient; the victim can feel that their abuser still retains control in the relationship, as the child never had an opportunity to assert his own authority and point of view. He has, quite simply, never had the opportunity to confront his parents or to hold them accountable for their actions or inactions as parents.
Code of Silence
Many of those abused, even when they recognize the need to confront a parent about past actions, do not want to re-open old wounds for several reasons. It is typical of abuse victims to say that they wish to avoid creating upset and anxiety for other family members, especially for siblings who may not have been exposed to the same ordeal.
The fact is that these families were often so dysfunctional that, sadly, a common code of fear and silence passed through all of the siblings, even if each one suffered the same fate and would have benefited from shared experience and grief. The desire for siblings to continue protecting each other under “the unspoken code” can continue long into adulthood, sometimes indefinitely.
Dealing with News of Terminal Illness
Despite all of the negative pent-up emotions and connotations, learning of the terminal illness and pending death of an abusive parent can present very mixed emotions to adult abuse victims and their siblings.
Very careful consideration is required before deciding how to deal with this news and whether a visit to the terminally ill parent should be made, especially while the parent is still “of sound mind” and communicative, should that be the case.
Being a Supportive Partner or Friend
Supporters and partners of the victim also need to be extremely careful in dealing with friends and loved ones who find themselves suddenly confronted with the news that their abuser is dying.
While it is all too easy to advise that the abuser deserves no sympathy and no visits, the plain fact is that nobody apart from the victim knows what they feel at that precise moment. The ill person is still their parent. The ill person is the only father or mother that person has had in their lives. This may be their sole opportunity for genuine closure, and if they fail to take it, the decision could be regretted.
Advice to partners and friends of a victim would be to simply be there, be supportive and listen, but to offer no judgments whatsoever, since these are inappropriate.
Deciding Whether to Visit – The Benefits
There are many cases where abuse victims have chosen to visit a terminally ill parent in the dying months. This can be cathartic for the victim as well as for the parent, as long as the purpose is not simply confrontational.
Seeing an abuser in their time of weakness and vulnerability will be a new position, and it invariably redresses the power balance.
Chance to Apologize
It can also offer the parent an opportunity to consider and construct an apology, if such is in their nature. It is at a time of terminal illness that many people will realize what they did wrong to others and will seek to rectify -- or at least explain or express distress at -- their actions.
It may help the sufferer considerably to know that the parent goes to their grave with regrets or upset over past actions or even to know that they merely acknowledge and accept what they did.
No Regrets
Conversely, if a victim chooses to see a parent and show compassion, and there is no regret or acknowledgement, this may still help. The “victim” is still the one in the position of strength and control, and he can still say what he needs to say.
Most importantly, seeing a parent in their dying days gives a victim the chance to look their tormenter squarely in the eye and say, “I am no longer intimidated.” If appropriate – and again, this is highly individual – it may feel right to say: “I forgive you”.
Move On With PositivityThese sorts of confrontations will usually allow the victim to move on with their life in a way they could never have envisaged if they were still carrying around the former specter (and old image) of a more potent, hurtful parent.
Therefore, while it seems absurd to suggest showing compassion in the dying days of a tormenting parent, there can be certain benefits for the adult victim, and it is often a risk worth taking.
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