General The Therapist's Take On Sleeping In The Living Room

[Emme]

Today I had a joint meeting with Jay's therapist. It was our first one and I found it so informative. He asked questions that made Jay open up about feelings I was unaware he even had. He was able to tell me he felt useless. I was blown away by this. I wish I had been able to tell him that being useful was not a prerequisite for love or that there wasn't anything he could either DO or BE that would earn him more love. Or more importantly, that there wasn't anything he could either DO or BE that could take away our love. I wish I had said that the love was free, just a perk for being one of us. But, all I could do was just sit there and say, "I wish you didn't feel that way." Now, THAT was useless!

On a more use-FULL note, the therapist was able to put something in perspective for me in a way I had not considered. A few days ago I wrote about how we have been sleeping in the living room for a couple years now. (Jay needs to be by the doors and is up constantly thru the night making sure they are locked.) Anyway, when the therapist asked me what I'd like to see happen in the future I mentioned that I would like for us to be able to move back to the bedroom. He said that if Jay had damaged his leg and found sleeping on the couch more comfortable than sleeping in the bed, I would find myself sleeping in the living room.

He was absolutely right. There is no doubt that if a physically-obvious injury prevented Jay from sleeping in our bed that I would be right on the living room floor with him. Why on earth have I been so hung up on this bed thing? Who cares where we sleep?

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Yes I understand Emme - but, you cant carry the injury for another. Perhaps a good solution would be to provide a bedroom where you both feel safe and comfortable.... because its not comfortable for YOU to sleep on a floor.. and maybe he'd be more comfortable in a bed also... its a real balancing act between carer and sufferer I think - though I'm no expert.

I suppose it's like exposure therapy.. I think my family feels this way too.. they're torn between just 'letting me stay in my room' and 'please come out and eat dinner with us'... I don't know the answer. But I was more comfortable in a bed. That lovely comfortable bed upstairs that I couldn't sleep on - as compared to the couch downstairs that makes me sweat - even with a nightlight. The air conditioning is upstairs beside the bed. It's more comfortable. Or maybe even better still - bring a bed into the living room for YOUR sake until he is able to slowly transition to a bed in the bedroom. I don't know? I'm no expert. I almost feel bad for posting an opinion in case I'm wrong and it has bad consequences for either of you.
But, although I have slept on the couch for quite some time (I ended that last night) I certainly wouldn't want those who love me to be on the couch with me. I want them to have a comfortable bed. And I know, in my heart, what I really want is a comfortable bed too. So I am trying.

When I get home to Australia I will surely be grateful there is someone else in the house, and when they ask me to come to the dinner table some days I will be able to, and some days I wont. These things take time. But I certainly don't want them to suffer because of my experiences.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

He said that if Jay had damaged his leg and found sleeping on the couch more comfortable than sleeping in the bed, I would find myself sleeping in the living room.

He was absolutely right. There is no doubt that if a physically-obvious injury prevented Jay from sleeping in our bed that I would be right on the living room floor with him. Why on earth have I been so hung up on this bed thing? Who cares where we sleep?

I agree with the therapist on this one. I think there are other things that need to be dealt with then where they are sleeping every night.

I feel useless almost every day. But that's the last thing I would admit to my husband. Maybe its because I'm ashamed? Or maybe I feel like I've done enough to him, and I don't need to hurt/scare him more. I think that's also a personal thing. Shame has roots.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Emme

I think Jay was being really honest, he described it well, and IMHO you described what he feels well, too. It's ok you didn't say more then, it was probably all he could do to get that out.

-You sound like a very sweet and forgiving person, he is very blessed to have you in his life. (Bet you he wanted to say that too).

Just a tiny thought: irregardless of where you sleep, have you thought of making it 'new' (and therefore with 'new' connotations, just of happiness. Not even 'pressure to happiness', just in fun having creating a 'new area' together, even in a small way).

 

[Emme]

Perhaps a good solution would be to provide a bedroom where you both feel safe and comfortable..

Superjen-I would LOVE to be able to provide him a bedroom that felt safe and secure. Unfortunately, it's the location of the bedroom and not its furnishings that make him uneasy. He needs to sleep in the center of the house where he has immediate access to all the doors. I agree that my comfort is important too but I've made a "bed" out of eggcrate-type mattress pads and quilts that I roll out every night. So it isn't like I'm sleeping on concrete. I think that I need to let this slide for now for his sake.

I almost feel bad for posting an opinion in case I'm wrong and it has bad consequences for either of you.

I welcome any ideas that might make our arrangement better for both of us. I appreciate your input. And good luck to you in continuing to sleep in your own bed. I would like to add one thing. You said that you wouldn't want a loved one to suffer because of your experience. If someone was sleeping on the couch with you, you might not want them to feel like they had to, but I'm willing to bet that you couldn't keep them from it. Being inconvenienced is not the same as suffering. When you move home, don't be afraid to accept your family's "inconvenience" as an expression of their love for you.

Ayesha-

I think there are other things that need to be dealt with then where they are sleeping every night.

You are absolutely right and I am coming to terms with this in a big way. I told Jay today that if he never gets over this I will sleep on the nursing-home floor with him someday. I have definitely made this to be more than it should be.

I am sorry to hear that you feel useless also and that you haven't been able to tell your husband this. Like you said, that is a personal thing. I certainly have no business telling you what to do or how to feel. But it does break my heart that you carry that alone. I hope someday that you feel that you can share that with your husband. I would hope that your relationship is a positive one and he would want to reassure you that you most certainly are not useless. Besides, usefulness isn't any way to measure a partner in a marriage. Lawnmowers and microwaves are 'useful'. Spouses are so much more than just what they can do or provide.

Junebug- thank you for the lovely comments. I am a little confused by your suggestion. You said regardless of where we sleep I might make it "new". I understand the idea of creating connotations of happiness. But do you mean I should try this in the living room and reinforce this sleeping arrangement or are you suggesting that by creating a happier living space he might make his way to the bedroom?

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Emme - youre right... There have been nights when I would have gladly accepted a family member staying on the couch with me. Though I'd still like to move to the bedroom (failed last night, but I'll try again tonight - 1 night out of 2 isnt bad). I suppose what I meant also was, maybe you could put a bed in the living room?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Emme,

I guess what I mean is, Jay "trying" to get over anything is likely to be less likely to succeed (like a person 'trying' not to worry, etc). I don't mean that there aren't useful tools however (mindfulness, etc) that he can employ to manage/ deal with it (and ideally overcome it). However, I'm suspecting that making it to the bedroom will be dependent on that; I cannot say 'if' or 'when' that may occur. You have to set limitations for what is acceptable for yourself, but it will be up to him to identify and manage the triggers etc.

However, that being said, the 'healthier' he is/ becomes and the better he is managing hopefully he will desire to push himself, and that is when you may have a real (effectual) opportunity to gently bring it up too, if need be.

As far as 'creating happiness' goes, I don't mean it so much as in (much) that you can 'do', ie. trying to 'force' it, but more so the experience that anywhere one feels safe/ has some laughs/ goes about 'normal' (non-ptsd-reminder-stuff), the better the connotation.

I know that you will have whatever wisdom you need as to what to say and when. Hopefully it will be (much) easier for you both in the future. It's a real process.-

 

[QuietNow]

There may be other solutions out there to help Jay with his physical check of the door locks. Something like a video camera and motion-detector setup so that it records to video always, but sounds an alarm if there is any movement near the detector. That way maybe after seeing how it works for a while, he'd feel safer about moving to the bedroom area, and then barring the bedroom door. It also could give him the chance to review the recorded video on the doors to see if there was any movement (which likely there isn't) and let it become soothing.

You can also examine the idea of a Murphy bed for the living room space. Sleeping on a couch is uncomfortable, yes. But a Murphy bed installed might be a good way to compromise. Murphy beds can also be built from plans and a coworker of mine built and installed a "sideways" Murphy bed (wider than it was tall). That and a coffee table chest (coffee table with a hinged lid to a storage chest) to hold pillows and bed linens might give both of you a bit of relief.

If you can't build or buy a Murphy bed, try just getting an inflatable queen bed with one of those built-in pumps and blow it up and make the bed every night. Take it down and put it away in the morning. That's a compromise on the bed issue that could reinforce the concept that people sleep in beds. Plus, it turns the living room back into a living room in the morning, which is important. Some of the inflatables aren't that comfortable, but I've found that one of the microfiber/memory foam mattress "toppers" on them makes it really decent.

With the actual bedroom, clean it up and make it restful. Don't have any kind of argument in there ever. If one is brewing, move to another room of the house. He won't sleep in there now, but if you use that room as sort of a restful, comfortable retreat, it may become far more likely once he gets to the point where he feels safer about his general environment. In fact, you could try even to call it "The Retreat" and treat it as a place to do things you both like. (In my marriage, that might be board games or watching a movie together or, um, fooling around) Use restful colors in it --there's a reason interior decorators use cream, sand, pale blue, sage, etc to decorate bedrooms. Dark colors and strident colors can stir an unwanted emotional response. No matter how trendy they may be, avoid them. (Even if you love eggplant purple, look at putting muted deep lavender blue in there instead) Use muted colors and soft shapes. Keep clutter out of the Retreat area. Clutter acts as a tap into restlessness and helplessness. Strip that room down and build it back into some place where you both could walk in and do a mental "Ahhhhh."

It sounds like he just has the hang-up with doors and not windows too. That's good.

Obviously there is a lot going on here, and it's good that you can talk with his therapist. I'm glad that you're so supportive. The bedroom is obviously a tension point for both of you. It's best to defuse that tension point until he's comfortable enough to deal with it. That could be pretty far down the road. And above all, sit down and talk to him in a non-threatening way about possible changes. Involve him in the decisions if you can. Sleeping on the floor on egg-crate foam is ok, but in the long-term you both need a bed. Baby steps to get there, and you *won't* be in the bedroom any time soon. But maybe some of the above suggestions could help you both meet a halfway point.