The Thing That Gets Me Through The Week...

[Mammo]

Ironically, it's the thought and promise of death...yes, I'm morbid. Sorry.

I have pretty much chronic major depression, and the last 12 months, it kind of looked like this:
- Major depressive episode early last year, leading to time off work for 3 weeks;
- Suicidal and tying rope to the bannister at my home, trying to work up the courage - and not;
- Going back to work and being made to see a psychologist by my boss, which frightened the living daylights out of me as I had vowed after involuntary hospitalisation 4 years ago to never speak to those people again.
- By chance read a book on domestic violence, which sounded all too eerily familiar...to be told by psychologist I was physically and emotionally abused which turned my world upside down;
- Then found out that my dad still hits my mother, so had to go home to confront him about that;
- All of the above running in my head like a video tape on repeat which is stuck for months, wishing I was dead every day, whilst at the same time, still working and pretending to be "fine".
- Then my boss, who had been awesome and a trusted friend (one of 3 people in the world I trusted), fired me for disagreeing with him and he decided he didn't like my personality. This was devastating as work has been my primary coping mechanism since I was a teenager - plus the fact it was literally about my personality, made it even worse.

After that - I can't do it anymore, work was the only thing I know, and now that doesn't "work" anymore. I have no idea what else to do. The closest I had to friends all worked in that company, and now there is no one. I've spent this entire year so far pretty much hiding at home. I don't think I can go back into the "world" at large, because it will all be the same.

At this point, literally every aspect of life is shattered. I don't think I have the energy or spirit left to pick it all up and start all over again. There's only so many times you can expect people to do that, surely?

Hiding in the house is not sustainable for much longer, running out of money, but the "world" is so painful and depressing that, I'm left thinking death would be a better option, for people at large, and me.

sorry this is long, and morbid.

 

[Saint Nik]

You say you don't know what else to do. My advice for the time being is to do nothing. Don't try to analyse your feelings, don't try to fix anything, figure it out. If I was you I would do nothing for the time being.

I understand why you feel death is an option or alternative for you, but this is only a temporary situation you are in! This is going to pass! Everything passes. . .nothing lasts forever!

What you said wasn't morbid, it was your truth and you sound like you are going through hell at the moment and what is worse you are getting caught up with stories inside your head and your brain is throwing you suicidal thoughts your way. They will come, but don't act (if you can try - and it will be so difficult)

Tell someone about these thoughts of suicide. Release these words from your mouth and hear yourself say them and allow yourself to feel these words and realise right now, you are just a human being that feels they cannot cope! You can cope, but temporarily it's feeling like you can't!

Tell someone, anyone like you have here. Show them this thread if you like. I hope you are okay and do know that right now there is no point in making a decision right now (even a suicidal one!) Do nothing, apart from talking to someone and admitting these suicidal feelings. You are not alone. Never alone.

These feelings you have must feel heavy, scary, overwhelming to the point it feels like you are suffocating! As soon as you open up to someone about these feelings, you will start to slowly come out of the water and gasp for your first breath! Believe me when I say don't act and do nothing for the time being and reach out to express these feelings and don't carry the burden by yourself! Admit all and allow the help. Being here is your first beginning. . . continue with that seeking for help. . .it's always there, you only have to reach out!

I hope you are okay wherever you are and please note that I read your thread. I am here. I am listening and I know your pain! It will pass. Nothing lasts forever. . . don't make any permanent decisions on this brutal temporary feeling, because it will pass. Make sure you don't for the time being