SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
This is due to the situation, which isn't great. Because of mental breakdown/loss of apartment, I got myself into debt. So I used every card I had in that period, which now means debt, no savings, no things to sell or pawn. Even what was left that had that option I've used in time. I know that's pathetic. I'm teaching and trying to dig myself out. Anyway. There is things I need to fix long term (stable job, savings etc), but there are constant debt requirements too.
Now I'm finally actively not applying for things, trying to start things, seeking options. And of course change takes time. But I get myself overstimulated so fast. Before I know it the immediate worry seems to take over everything, I stop doing things around the house, stop working out, stop socializing and get swallowed by this. And because I've cut everything else out, I obsess over it, and then end up spending all day about it. Because I am doing that I postpone also task that could lead to stable income in future. Hence, let's say crisis coming was some debt payment I felt like I couldn't miss. In trying to solve it I spend a week only working on fast income. I solve it or I don't, but the week passes and I have not taken action for long-term jobs (weather they take me 2 weeks, or 2 months to get to first pay). Consequently, I get to let's say 2 weeks later, and because I've delayed getting better income in future now I don't have anything better than micro jobs coming in. And I can't pay the next whatever payment. And I get so stuck in being scared I repeat this pattern. I know it's an awful pattern but that's the thing with patterns- sometimes it's not obvious how to get yourself out of one.
Especially that once I get myself hypervigilant, future bigger income jobs and crisis emergency income jobs and all other daily tasks start to somehow feel equally important and unavoidable. Until I can't take the pressure and I break.
I have been working with AI, and breaking tasks and concentrating on one thing at a time. But I still feel myself slipping into this thinking.
AI is helpful if you know the right things to ask. When everything looks wrong... not sure.
And yes, this this is bleak and pathetic and I should be better than this. But I'm just so tired of debts I can't pay and the consequences and words that come with that. And I deserve that but still. The people in my life don't. I need to do better.
How do I snap myself out of the magic cycle?
p.s. also looking online for jobs is in theory bleak, right... but actually it is full of options. Whereas, for whatever reason, looking in my own language/locally, I keep running into stories and comments that are so much more NEGATIVE and basically telling you nothing ever works and you may as well not try. I wonder why is that? Unless the country economy is in the top tier, isn't poor economy build with people doing side jobs and finding ways to survive no matter what? How is everyone so negative? Compared to searching for options in English, it's so much more bleak and it's not helping. Though in theory finding fast options locally would be better. But so far, almost no groups, some forums with generally discouraging opinions... it just doesn't help. It's weird that in a space where general monthly pay isn't always enough to pay for daily life there aren't more offices for finding temp work, or side gig websites, or just more options available. Is it like a gated secret of something?? Sorry for the rant part. I know I can't even get into polictical/economy opinions right now, no time for that.
Now I'm finally actively not applying for things, trying to start things, seeking options. And of course change takes time. But I get myself overstimulated so fast. Before I know it the immediate worry seems to take over everything, I stop doing things around the house, stop working out, stop socializing and get swallowed by this. And because I've cut everything else out, I obsess over it, and then end up spending all day about it. Because I am doing that I postpone also task that could lead to stable income in future. Hence, let's say crisis coming was some debt payment I felt like I couldn't miss. In trying to solve it I spend a week only working on fast income. I solve it or I don't, but the week passes and I have not taken action for long-term jobs (weather they take me 2 weeks, or 2 months to get to first pay). Consequently, I get to let's say 2 weeks later, and because I've delayed getting better income in future now I don't have anything better than micro jobs coming in. And I can't pay the next whatever payment. And I get so stuck in being scared I repeat this pattern. I know it's an awful pattern but that's the thing with patterns- sometimes it's not obvious how to get yourself out of one.
Especially that once I get myself hypervigilant, future bigger income jobs and crisis emergency income jobs and all other daily tasks start to somehow feel equally important and unavoidable. Until I can't take the pressure and I break.
I have been working with AI, and breaking tasks and concentrating on one thing at a time. But I still feel myself slipping into this thinking.
AI is helpful if you know the right things to ask. When everything looks wrong... not sure.
And yes, this this is bleak and pathetic and I should be better than this. But I'm just so tired of debts I can't pay and the consequences and words that come with that. And I deserve that but still. The people in my life don't. I need to do better.
How do I snap myself out of the magic cycle?
p.s. also looking online for jobs is in theory bleak, right... but actually it is full of options. Whereas, for whatever reason, looking in my own language/locally, I keep running into stories and comments that are so much more NEGATIVE and basically telling you nothing ever works and you may as well not try. I wonder why is that? Unless the country economy is in the top tier, isn't poor economy build with people doing side jobs and finding ways to survive no matter what? How is everyone so negative? Compared to searching for options in English, it's so much more bleak and it's not helping. Though in theory finding fast options locally would be better. But so far, almost no groups, some forums with generally discouraging opinions... it just doesn't help. It's weird that in a space where general monthly pay isn't always enough to pay for daily life there aren't more offices for finding temp work, or side gig websites, or just more options available. Is it like a gated secret of something?? Sorry for the rant part. I know I can't even get into polictical/economy opinions right now, no time for that.
I erased it now
