The Unhoused Mind - C-trauma And The Sense Of Never Belonging

[sun seeker]

I am wondering if he has any positive outlooks on what becomes of us - ie is there hope at all? Are people cured? Are they able to connect back to themselves?

Absolutely, and not just of the "you have to adjust your expectations, grieve over what you didn't get, and move on" variety that seems to be so popular. You really need to read the book!

Being here on this planet - I resisted and still resist. I was literally pushed from heaven into this drab, unforgiving, unloving place with CRAZY PEOPLE - where after all these years I STILL can't understand who these people are and what I am doing here. I have thought many times that it must be a form of either punishment or learning - i.e. clearing a hell of a lot of negative karma. Like MAJOR stuff. It was either this - or nothing. And that the concept of Home - was nothing on this planet - that is for sure. Even my so-called *family* on earth was just a collective I happened to be born into, and my real family were all up in another strastosphere.

That's exactly the kind of feeling he talks about. It comes from very early trauma, not from bad karma. It isn't about anything you did at all.

Based on that, does that mean it's a different spirituality, or somehow a less genuine one, different because it was (according to that) based on need?

You ask deep questions. He doesn't get into whether it is a different form of spirituality, but I have some thoughts of my own on this. I can share them if people are interested, but they may not be in accordance with everyone's spiritual beliefs. It's late right now so I won't write more now, but if you want my thoughts on this let me know, okay?

 

[missbliss]

@Lucycat

Every single human being in my life from earliest caretaker to the last attempt at a relationship many many years ago up and left. At first it was on their part, I had the great *fortune* to be born into a collective of individuals who could not love but only hate. Then they left, one by one - like an explosion hit the collective - they just simply opened the door and fled for their lives. Some I saw later in life but we were all strangers to another. That neuron that is involved directly with connecting never got passed the initial growth. I had brief interludes with my grandmother but this was very brief. My main connections were to animals - they were the ones who practically raised me - and gave me love. Otherwise I was raised in isolation and a lot of sadistic techniques thrown in to emotionally damage an infant - like crying it out, punishment by silent treatment, sexual exposure and more. My boundaries were basically torn apart. Sense of self - whatever they wanted. Now, go make a life out of that. Go find someone to sit with you and relate to you - and you not pushing them away. Tell me how this is done. Therapists I've had. EMDR, EFT, hypnosis. Yet, love - no. Never. Not even once from a human being. Touch and being with people hurts very much. But you're right, it is essential to the psyche. Yet all the odds are hugely piled against this from happening. And oh have I tried.

 

[missbliss]

I have some thoughts of my own on this. I can share them if people are interested, but they may not be in accordance with everyone's spiritual beliefs. It's late right now so I won't write more now, but if you want my thoughts on this let me know, okay?

Yes, I would very much like to hear.

 

[Lucycat]

Every single human being in my life from earliest caretaker to the last attempt at a relationship many many years ago up and left.

and that is what therapy aims to address - those without that first secure attachment keep repeating history as there is no baseline to work with. I hear that you have tried numerous different styles of therapy, but the point is the mode of therapy is totally irrelevant. What matters is the client/therapist relationship. In order to develop attachments you need to learn how to attach with a therapist - in a safe, secure environment and one where whatever you throw at him the T will never abandon you. Once you have mastered attachment in the therapy room you can practice in the real world. It is perhaps one of these things that happens 'through' therapy rather than having daily homework, targets and objectives. Attachment evolves as you move through the process.

 

[missbliss]

and that is what therapy aims to address - those without that first secure attachment keep repeating history as there is no baseline to work with. I hear that you have tried numerous different styles of therapy, but the point is the mode of therapy is totally irrelevant. What matters is the client/therapist relationship. In order to develop attachments you need to learn how to attach with a therapist - in a safe, secure environment and one where whatever you throw at him the T will never abandon you. Once you have mastered attachment in the therapy room you can practice in the real world. It is perhaps one of these things that happens 'through' therapy rather than having daily homework, targets and objectives. Attachment evolves as you move through the process.

I could never do it. Never. I either became *their* therapist, deciphering their behavior, going along for the ride or just simply tuned them out since it wasn't working. I felt like a number and a case, never as equals. Never as having an ally and certainly nobody I could trust. Like Dr. Heller said: *You may have my body, but you will NEVER get my soul*. And that's so true. I would never let anyone into my soul. Too many people have ventured in there, messing things up, creating havoc and misery. There has never been one therapist I could ever trust to that degree. They'd have to be a saint and sign a contract with me, that they'd never cross any line unless I gave them specific permission. Otherwise, it's trespassers will be shot on sight. Can you imagine a burn victim giving free reign in friendship with pyromaniac? Just as an example.....Maybe I'd trust Dr. Heller from what I'm picking up from him. He knows his stuff. But I understand what you mean Lucy. And it may be key. Simply, I have never found that *therapist* who could be trusted. I've been at this for over 50 years. I find fault in them all. They know textbooks and second-hand experience - but nobody knows where I've been and what that was like. Not one. So, fine. I just skim through and keep channeling higher wisdom to get further from point A to point Z without an expert. Just me, God and my cats. Till the miracle comes and the magical therapist appears. If not, then oh well too.

 

[Chava]

Great post and questions. I have little spaces and glimpses of feeling 'at home' in my body, with myself, where I'm at, etc. But these feelings were only really created in isolation as a kid...either fantasy or really wandering out into the woods on my own. Nature feels like it includes me...it's a good, connective sort of feeling to the world, so I live near the edge of the woods. I like Thich Nhat Hanh's book "Your True Home". It's a book of short meditations that remind me that my "true home" is actually right where I am, and in the present. I've had to work a lot on being okay in my body (private lessons in yoga or other forms of gentle movement, safe and structured meditation groups, and somatic-focused psychotherapy).

I think a big part of feeling "homeless" (if we are talking about it in this sense, though I have felt literal homelessness too, however briefly, and the feeling did ring well with the deep sense of homelessness I always felt), is that feeling of not having a "self", of not feeling myself as existing in my own body or my own space...that great disconnection. That has gotten better. I don't know if I will ever feel "at home" in close relationships, but I do try to nurture some friendships and appreciate that I might find ways to be 'at home' that are more yogi or monk like vs completely avoidant and isolative. I do feel a strong connection to the natural world, art, music (I'm generally very introverted on top of whatever troubles trauma created).

I was in the hospital a long time in early childhood, on a couple occasions, and did not have a very caring mother...scary and abusive, but I often wanted to placate her or get some sort of good connection from her. She shut me out perhaps because of her own early sexual abuse history, and maybe my reminders of that. She thought every mistake, misbehavior, crying, even totally normal need was disgusting. Her feelings of disgust spilled out all over the place. I don't know, but the shame was horrid. I still have a hard time speaking or swallowing around her sometimes. I get almost paralyzed and try to find that isolated place in the presence of others (sometimes this is probably pretty dissociative). Then later terrorizing and sexual assault on top of early medical trauma and abuse, the little I remember (and certainly terrible, disorganized attachment). The early developmental trauma probably shaped lots of what I'm still left struggling with at this point. My needs were not okay. Combined medical trauma and shame over having any needs, I felt half dead for a long time and unable to feel okay taking care of myself as an adult. I grew up feeling semi okay and like I might have any sort of "self" only in isolation, with very few needs. That's hard to un-do....trying to feel "solitude" vs sheer abandonment, shame, and isolation as I slowly come out of my shell. My home is very small and quiet most of the time.

 

[rightkindofme]

I am in a different position, but it has similarities. I too feel like I don't belong and I shouldn't be here. I'm the child of rape. I wasn't wanted from the moment of conception.

I have lived in one house for 8 years now. This is almost three times as long as I've lived anywhere else. I've moved more than 50 times. I'm 33.

I have been homeless--as a kid and as an adult. I feel like I am best suited to rapidly changing, traumatic environments. As someone else said, that's where my skill set lies.

I'm trying to feel like I really belong here. I didn't want to move into this house. It was my husband's swinging bachelor pad. I didn't want to be just the b!tch of the day.

I have planted a pretty fabulous garden in the yard trying to feel like I'm allowed to stay. I paint murals all over the house. This house will either be easy to sell or impossible to sell when I'm done with it. My husband is so tolerant.

Mostly, I don't know how to heal this feeling inside of me and I know that I am one of the lucky ones. I have a ridiculously supportive husband. I have two kids who like me a lot and with whom I've had very little strife so far. I am very lucky that a kid who grew up with me grew up to have a family. I don't know how it happened. I don't feel like I deserve any of what I have. I frequently think about killing myself so I don't hurt the people who love me.

It sucks feeling like *I* am the source of all the pain.

 

[missbliss]

Great post and questions. I have little spaces and glimpses of feeling 'at home' in my body, with myself, where I'm at, etc. But these feelings were only really created in isolation as a kid...either fantasy or really wandering out into the woods on my own. Nature feels like it includes me...it's a good, connective sort of feeling to the world, so I live near the edge of the woods.

Thanks Chava, I really resonated with what you wrote. Can also identify with mother issues and early medical procedures (completely unneccessary - and oh so very traumatic). Yes, woods. I once lived in the woods for 5 years. It was bliss but did have also flashbacks. Nature does have a way of absorbing a lot of it. I was still in the middle of not knowing what was going on with me, why this was happening and how to put all the pieces together - and how to recover. I was searching high and low - and the silence gave me that space to do that. I wrote, I breathed and I started re-membering a bit of who I was. Now, a completely other scenario in war zones on top of the early trauma. It's all I can do now to get back to baseline - to dissasociate in front of the computer, to drink (ugh I do not like this at all - if I had weed to smoke I probably would - but don't -so...) and take the odd half a sedative. I'm not an addictive personality but sometimes the anxiety is just too much and I am completely overwhelmed.

 

[Chava]

My medical procedures were necessary to prevent quick and certain death, but I know even getting shots and all that is terrible for kids. I had regular trips to the clinic for blood testing after hospitalization...even if they were saving my life or helping me, I felt very trapped through the later parts I remember.

Sorry you are so overwhelmed. I relate to trying to just find a baseline, or like I cannot touch the ground but am stuck in everything swirling. Some days I have to mix too many cigs and my evening sedatives with my more helpful approaches, but the awareness and practice is slowly helping me. Hopefully you can create those small spaces or feelings of being "at home", even if it doesn't feel like you can carry that with you at all times right now.

 

[missbliss]

I am in a different position, but it has similarities. I too feel like I don't belong and I shouldn't be here. I'm the child of rape. I wasn't wanted from the moment of conception.

I have lived in one house for 8 years now. This is almost three times as long as I've lived anywhere else. I've moved more than 50 times. I'm 33.

I have been homeless--as a kid and as an adult. I feel like I am best suited to rapidly changing, traumatic environments. As someone else said, that's where my skill set lies.

I understand this. I was conceived when my parents were drunk and they subsequently divorced right after. Then my mother tried to kill me and commit suicide by jumping out of a moving car. And that was just a few episodes in the first few months. Killings self was an old pattern I'd have droning in my system for years and years. Was so tempted. Then it hit me - like sort of waking from a dream state that I'd been in exactly this situation of utter despondency and hopelessness at least 1,000 times before in other lifetimes, done the deed (directly or by proxy) and was sent back ANYWAY! FFS. There is no short cut. It took like 1000 lifetimes to finally get it - I had to stick the bloody course, come what may. There was NOOOOOOOO way in hell I'd be coming back to this place. So - killing self was completely dropped as being an option. It simply wasn't worth it. And it's a fight, oh man is it ever a fight. Plus I have my cats who I'd never abandon for anything. So that's keeping me more or less *together* and on top of things. Cleaning, doing the dishes, watering plants, feeding them, brushing them. I have to maintain some semblance of normalcy to get into the habit of living in the here and now. I can't short cut it - and I have to apply what I've been given to make it work this time around. Accomplish what I never could all those other times when I took the supposed *easy way out*.

 

[missbliss]

Sorry you are so overwhelmed. I relate to trying to just find a baseline, or like I cannot touch the ground but am stuck in everything swirling...Hopefully you can create those small spaces or feelings of being "at home", even if it doesn't feel like you can carry that with you at all times right now.

It's stuff that just kept building and building without knowing where to put the feelings or myself. It seems all about placement and organization - where to put my experiences, emotions and self - and how. And the more basic of questions - if everything has its place in the world, where is mine? Where is that little space of earth I can go to and say - this is where I belong?

 

[Chava]

if everything has its place in the world, where is mine? Where is that little space of earth I can go to and say - this is where I belong?

I hear that! Easier said than done but I believe we have to create it somehow, even if it's just one time space, or a feeling that we exist freely in our arms through some form of movement. It's a great topic. Thanks again for posting!