The Waves Of Anxiety Keep Rolling In

[tryingtothrive]

I am cleaning out old files/folders and important paper documents. I'm reading stuff; letters, cards etc. and can't even believe some of what I am reading. I feel like that 8yr old girl again. I am terrified, angry, sad, overwhelmed and fearful of what is next.

I stopped for a bit (probably not going to finish today) and am still getting hit by waves of anxiety. My oldest son keeps asking me what is wrong, my husband seems annoyed, thankfully the little one and my furrybbs don't notice. :)

Hindsight is always illuminating; I see "clues" to the toxicity of so many things in these seemingly innocuous cards, letters etc.

Will it ever feel safe to go through old papers and not stop half way through to cry? Memories are flooding back, I want to pursue this, but I know it is time to redirect myself. I'm so angry too, letters just berating me, verbage so abusive and yet just this week my father actually said "what do even spend your time talking about in therapy?" That caused me to go into a full blown panic attack later in the day as I relived the conversation.

Now i'm on pins and needles; I'm shaking, breathing heavy, my stomach is in knots and my throat feels full of cotton balls. I want to scratch my skin off and scream. I tried to meditate, some breathing and yoga, but all were unsuccesful. I hate living like this. I am at the end of my string (patience wise) with this. No one in my house or close friends understands this. I spend more time talking to my psychiatrists than I do other people. (I'm okay with this, most people just make me nervous.)

How do you get to the point of being able to go through innocuous, mundane years old papers and not end up like this?! I'm lost... and nervous.

 

[Flyaway]

Wish I could make it all better for you! :(

I didn't go through my papers- I just threw the lot out. No regrets! All my photos too! I just thought, why torture myself with memories from the past? None of it really matters... I (and you) can make better memories from here on in!

I had a 'friend' who would regularly ask me what I talk about in therapy. I would just go silent, because in the past when I tried to talk with her she would be so judgemental and dismissive. She was just incapable of understanding what I was going through. I came to the conclusion that some people will put on an act to appear like they care... But they really just want to stay ignorant- so they criticise and reject opportunities to educate themselves. I'm not sure what your fathers deal is? But it's his ignorance is his problem- you don't need to justify yourself to him.

You know what would help you feel better? If you dumped all the stuff that's triggering you. You don't deserve to be feeling this way. Maybe you could try distraction (tv etc) for a while till you're feeling more like yourself?

 

[Leah123]

can't even believe some of what I am reading.

I am terrified, angry, sad, overwhelmed and fearful of what is next. I stopped for a bit (probably not going to finish today) and am still getting hit by waves of anxiety.

I tried to meditate, some breathing and yoga, but all were unsuccesful. I am at the end of my string (patience wise) with this. No one in my house or close friends understands this. I spend more time talking to my psychiatrists than I do other people.

Hello. I can relate to the intensity of this experience: a few weeks ago I read through old journals, a police report, and related notes and documents from my adolescence. I hadn't really looked at them in 15 or 20 years. The panic and anxiety I felt as I thought and talked about them were extreme and persistent.

How do you get to the point of being able to go through innocuous, mundane years old papers and not end up like this?

It took me days to settle at all, I sobbed about them for a long time in my regular appointments that week, but the next day had a multi-hour panic attack I could not shake and had an impromptu therapy session to get me through it and calm enough to function. (I had tried distractions, exercise, resting, meditating, pampering, etc.) My therapist had me just describe, in detail, my surroundings and it really helped ground me. After that, it began to be manageable. My therapist suggested I put everything away: reading years of material all at once was so very painful. I decided I will tackle them in little bits and pieces going forward now that I know how overwhelming the experience is.

I think that's the only way to get to the point of going through them without such an extreme reaction: to talk it through so the past is defused and I can own my history, not be owned by it.

I don't think dumping the past is the answer. To me, that sounds like avoidance. My personal choice is to work through it carefully, until I have processed my feelings: I want to integrate the past. I believe the past that is too hard to deal with is the past that can rule us, because it's a minefield waiting for us to make a misstep, triggers waiting to be sprung. I personally think of those writings and papers as a gift. They have a lot to say to me about my past, and how hard it was. It's not easy to face, but I believe doing so is empowering. Of course, we all have to trust ourselves to decide what's best: I just wanted to tell you I know what it's like, I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed, it will pass, and to get as much support as you can. Hope it gets better soon.

 

[franciemarnie]

Old stuff like that is unnecessarily triggering for me. If I would get a response like you with the anxiety etc. and meditation and sitting still related solutions are not touching it, I'd try to get a feel for what my body wants to do that it couldn't once upon a time during trauma.

I might work out or just walk or punch my arms out like I'm boxing or kick my legs out a few times or sit but move my legs like I'm running.

The body has that built up energy lodged that needs to get out somehow. It will go away but sensing what your body needs to do might help. It often helps me anyway.

 

[KrispyKreme]

I am sorry you are having a hard time now tryingtothrive!

You are not alone. Stay strong.

Thinking of you. And hugs if you want them.

KK