Sexual Assault The Way I Felt..

[leira]

..Kind of jumping in the middle here, because I'm new and I don't know how much I am ready to say or not say.

But something's come up recently, and I don't know how to deal with it, so I'm asking for help on a partial story.

Is it possible..... that even if I hated it, (and I did), even if I wanted to die while it was going on.... that when it ended,

Could I have.. not missed it, but

I don't know what I'm trying to say.

Other than I don't really remember the ending (or the beginning) but I'm afraid

I'm afraid I had nobody, and then less than nobody,and is it possible that even with all that was happening to me, somehow he was a somebody and losing that was losing a somebody?

Am I making any sense at all, and if it's true, does it make me horrible? monstrous? subhuman?

 

[Ted Moen]

Well, he was certainly a somebody with a story. A twisted story. A somebody who needs professional help. That's true. And in his twisted story circumstances happened that resulted in you being involved in his twisted story for a period of time. So you are a somebody who became involved in somebody else's twisted story for a period of time. You are somebody. You are not defined by his twisted story. You have your own story. That certainly doesn't make you horrible or monstrous or subhuman. Just human, bruised by an encounter with someone else's twisted story.

Is it possible ... sure, physical sensations happen ... doesn't mean anything but physical sensations happen. Doesn't mean you were somehow responsible for anything ... only means you are human with fuctioning physical sensors.

Ted

 

[leira]

But I'm not even talking physical sensations, I don't even want to think about that.

I'm talking emotional. As much as I wished to die, as much as I hated it, I'm not sure how I felt when it ended, but I'm afraid part of me felt abandoned and alone and back to having nobody in my life, which was a chaotic, lonely, terrifying, painful experience.

And, hmm. If the assumption is that I'm talking about an adult, I should at least say that I am not. It's a bit murkier than that.

 

[Ted Moen]

No assumption about age, unfortunately. And the fear of being alone is a major factor in many unhealthy relationships.

Ted

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Leira,

I think I understand what you are saying. You are talking about exactly what makes sexual abuse so confusing for the survivors. You know what is happening is wrong because of the secrecy, because of your gut instinct, because you have heard that it is wrong, etc... However the emotional bond the survivor builds with the perpetrator feels good. It makes you feel special, especially when you don't have anyone else who gives you the attention. Sometimes there are also physical sensations that make it feel good, which is also normal, as Ted mentioned. Then if the relationship suddenly stops, you feel hurt, punished, alone, as if you did something to make the person go away. Yes, it is very possible that you miss the relationship. That often happens and is completely normal. This is a huge part where the guilt comes from years later and the feeling that you wanted it, asked for it, etc...

About a month ago I wrote an entry about a rape nightmare I had. You can search for it in the search box above. At the end of the dream, after my father, who had come to visit and rape me, had left, I desperately wanted him to return and rape me again. Part of it was because I wanted to feel it instead of numbing my body and the other part was the emotional connection I missed. Yes, he did horrible things to me throughout my childhood without a second thought about me, but he is still my father. As much as I hated the entire abuse and him, I still cannot deny that I miss him. I have not seen him since 1994, by my choice.

So, please do not feel bad or guilty. Your feelings are normal. You can read stories of people who experienced childhood abuse (most abusers are close to the child). There are documentaries about how people felt after priests stopped the abuse because the children were too old. The priests then wanted them to bring their younger friends. Sexual abuse is a very convoluted topic and with that leads to a whole barrage of feelings, sensations, and emotions.

I hope this helps at least a little...

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Impressive on how quickly you were able to jump right in... You are definitely brave!

 

[leira]

Oh, if i was brave, you'd know more. the fact that I'm here, you already knew this much.

DGN, you say it's normal, but I don't know how to wrap my head around that idea without feeling horrible. thing is, I don't even know for sure it's a true thing or not -- it's just been in my head the last 2 weeks as a horrifying possibility.

Well, and here's why. I recently returned from a family vacation that was at a spot where I'd gone as a kid, and when I came back that was when it was ended -- but I don't remember the details -- I just know that about that time period, but it's a gap, a blank wall -- I know in theory what happened (I was sent away for the summer, when I returned things did not resume), but I don't remember the return or finding out or any of the details

Then if the relationship suddenly stops, you feel hurt, punished, alone, as if you did something to make the person go away. Yes, it is very possible that you miss the relationship. That often happens and is completely normal. This is a huge part where the guilt comes from years later and the feeling that you wanted it, asked for it, etc...

You're saying exactly what I was dancing around, and thank you for "getting it", I just don't know how ot accept that maybe I felt that way... and if I was willing to say more about the who it might make more sense

I don't want to admit to myself that I felt anything but revulsion -- because if there were other things inthere

 

[Lucycat]

I don't want to admit to myself that I felt anything but revulsion

Yes that's hard. Something I have rather packaged away in my deepest memories and don't even want to think about.

I just don't know how ot accept that maybe I felt that way.

I can't accept anything as to accept it means thinking about it...

 

[leira]

Yes that's hard. Something I have rather packaged away in my deepest memories and don't even want to think about.


I can't accept anything as to accept it means thinking about it...

I would rather not, but can't stop thinking most days