Therapist Leaving, How Do I Handle This?

[Samantha_38]

Oh, but it can hurt so bad in the meantime. The first time it happened, it hurt beyond all reason. I thought my world was ending.

I'm definitely at that "world ending" point. I haven't even said goodbye yet, and I know it's going to hurt even worse when that happens. I'm SO scared. I hope I get to where you are. I'm just tired of losing people and feeling abandoned...it seems that's been the point of my whole life is to be abandoned by others. I know this is different, it's not "him" and it's probably a million other things most of which I don't understand, and wouldn't, so he doesn't tell me.

I started writing in a journal last night. Something I periodically do. I haven't much since seeing him. I guess I've pretty constantly had someone to tell. The emails became a journal in a way. Right now it's just about all of the feelings I'm having about the whole thing. I think I'm going to keep it up, most likely a lot now, but even into the future. The things I feel like telling him I'll put in there, and if I ever do get the chance again I'll give it to him. It's hard to think that I might never get that chance...I guess hopefully someday I won't care whether I do or not...

 

[KwanYingirl]

Yes, in my case over time I didn't care to connect with my old therapist. At first I couldn't imagine losing him it was very difficult. As time went on and I established a new therapeutic alliance, I lost the craving for him. He was basically just keeping me alive. I was very depressed. My next therapist just helped me get my kids through college and now I am finally working with a trauma expert. When I ask him why my other therapists never did trauma work with me, he said they were preparing me for it. They all give us something we can build on in the future. I think you will come to this understanding too.

 

[Samantha_38]

Thank you @KwanYingirl. I did not work on trauma so much with this therapist either. We talked about, he knows more of what happened to me than anyone and I think he understands how its affecting me better than I do. Mostly though, like you said, he kind of just got me through graduation and moving states, giving up my abusers and everything I'd ever known, since birth, and coming here to start over. That's part of the difficulty of it. He took away everything I've ever known, and now he's leaving and it seems I'm left to fill it all back in alone. It's scary. I know it's not really like that, but it REALLY feels like that. I have the feeling this next one will be helping me just get over this first one....

 

[KwanYingirl]

My advice is to try and keep a positive attitude about your new therapist. If life stressors are affecting you, you do need to come to terms with them before unpacking the trama. It's a process and there may be several people you work with to help. Hang in there! Your therapist didn't take your old life away, you've just moved on to the next best thing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I honestly think this therapist overstepped his boundaries. The truth is that emailing would be OK with someone who has normal boundaries, but those who have been traumatized often do not have normal boundaries, so it is important that a therapist have boundaries of steel. The truth is that MOST of what we say isn't in the words themselves, so it is crucial for communication to be verbal, and in person whenever possible. When one gets into a case of emailing with a therapist, it seems like it oftentimes ends poorly. I think that your former therapist was in the wrong here. Yes, the world is advancing in terms of technology, but that doesn't necessarily mean that technology makes everything better. I mean think about it.....would anyone ever have said that they were in regular MAIL (not email) correspondence with their therapist and would others have seen that as a normal thing? NOPE! So why would email be any different? Therapy needs to be in person and defined to a specific place and time with limited contact outside of that. If a therapist is constantly supporting a client outside of therapy, then the client is not learning how to support themselves as they aren't being given the opportunity to put coping skills to test. Yeah, the support may SEEM great at the time, but what ends up happening is that a client is let go (as you have been) and the let down is huge. There is a reason why therapy should be limited in scope. Technology makes it much to easy to blur those boundaries.

 

[Samantha_38]

Thanks for you input @Solara I'm sure this could be my trauma speaking, but I do not feel like he overstepped. If anything, he was pretty clear on what email could and couldn't be. I do agree that emailing so much probably does create at least some of the emotion I'm feeling though. I'm not sure I'd trade the level of support I got. I seriously don't know how far I would've gotten in the therapy without that ability to email to him. It seems the trust came out a lot faster than it would have otherwise. Maybe it was the fact he emailed back as often as he did, but I feel like I'd still be at answering 5 yes/no questions and that's all I'd say for a whole session. I was VERY locked up, as I'm told is normal, but it's obviously not helpful. Weighing how far I've gotten against how hard this is, I'm not sure which is better or worse, but it seems the fact that I've advanced so far is going to help me for a long time and this is tough, but at least getting easier pretty quickly.

Anyways everyone, for an update, things have gotten a little better. I think I'm moving into accepting this. He has said he's not sure if a phone call would be appropriate or not, but he's still thinking about it. Either way I've been coming up with a few things I want to be sure to say, Thank you, and that sort of thing. I hope he'll agree to a phone call just because I feel like that's a better way to say goodbye to someone, but if not I'll live and write a last email. I also have an appointment with my new T on tomorrow. I will see how it goes. I really am not sure this one will work out, for multiple reasons, scheduling being one because I have class basically the entire time she's available. I'm not excited to try finding someone else though, but I guess I'll see what happens.

 

[Samantha_38]

Well everybody. I sent my last email a few minutes ago. He did not agree to a phone call, but I wasn't holding out for that really. I cried when it was time to hit send, then waited a little bit, went back and hit send. I don't know what I'm feeling now. I don't really have this overwhelming urge to send him another email, even though he'll be there for at least 5 more hours. Although, I do have an urge to send him a message saying I'm not crying and am actually doing pretty good after sending the first one. This is so hard.

My therapy appointment with my new therapist went good yesterday. I wasn't sure about her, but yesterday may have changed my mind. I guess I'll see what happens.

I know my mind is going to be full of memories of him for quite awhile, I look forward to when it's not right on top anymore, but he's helped me so much. I just wish he wouldn't be leaving. I'm glad I got the chance to say goodbye though, as hard as it is.

 

[scout86]

I'm glad to hear that you started with your new T and it's going well so far! It sounds like you're handling things pretty well, all things considered. Remember, there are people here you can hang out with too. :)

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Samantha_38 good job. I know how hard it is to leave a good therapist. I have an even greater one now, and I had his contact info for a year before I got the nerve up to call him. You did great to find someone right away. Wishing you the best outcome!!!

 

[Samantha_38]

Thank you so much @scout86 and @KwanYingirl . Tonight has been much harder as I think more and more about not being able to message him. Although I guess all I really wanted to say is that I'm still fine. For some reason it worries me that he won't know if I'm fine or not. He did email me back saying good bye as well. The email he sent was really nice. I've read my last email and his last email about 30 times I think since this afternoon. I resisted all feelings of wanting to email him back though, even though I knew he was still at work. I had decided that last one would be my last one, and I kept it at that. It's so hard, but I'm actually fine. I thought I'd be wreck, and I'm fine. I haven't had bad thoughts, I haven't had self harm thoughts. A year ago anything like this would've left me feeling those things for sure. It still hurts though, and I feel lonely.

It's going to be tough when my new T wants to talk this through next week. I haven't cried in front of any T at all, but this topic is hard to hold back. I was as close to crying at my appointment yesterday as I've ever been when we talked about this, even briefly.

I'm doing better than I thought I would be, but I'm still struggling some and what I used to do in situations where I felt like this before would be to message him and tell him about it, so that's hard.