Therapist said someone can't just ask for help, it has to happen naturally? huh?

[Deleted member 12723]

I don't like that I have to be soooo ultra guarded about one part of my life with them.

It made me think of the saying, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. These people have they apologized to you yet? Has a one of them made any kind of amends because so far all it seems that you are getting are just more words.:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. Beware the fallacy of though that says no one can possibly understand until they've been there/walked a mile in the same or my shoes. There is actually a commonality of experiences. A good amount of the time we as individuals aren't really as complex as we think we are. Special/rare cases not withstanding.

"I was angry these friends want to be there for someone else, but there was no one there for me." Understandable emotionally to a point but can you turn it on it's ear and see the "safe person" spot your in now as an opportunity to rectify an absence in your past that is a wound by providing it for someone else? Sounds like a resentment to me.

Just me, in your opening post toward the end you seem to have the impression that people who weren't there for you when you needed yet are doing it now or rather are asking now how to do that.... are static. But people are not static. You are applying a freeze frame from your past situation and are discounting perhaps the growth in change in others. Just curious, how much time elapsed from your own situation to the one you outline in your opening post? Change is the way of things and you can't know why others missed the cues you needed or why/what has happened for them to be the way they are now. But it is a good change, yeah? So be grateful that whatever caused them to alter their behaviors in a good way has occurred, for someone else even if it wasn't available when you personally needed it.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Well spoken. I think we all have blind spots, it is amazing that any of us are able to work on ourselves a...

I couldn't agree more. I also struggle around people who have lived sheltered lives or see the world naively, they can be very triggered or insensitive sometimes just because they don't know how to avoid that because they don't have the life experience. Even worse if they decide to start giving you advice about what you should do etc., nothing more frustrating then someone with no experience of what you've been through or experience with trauma trying to tell you how to deal with it.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Just a few thoughts that were prompted by you mentioning how these folks have the most kind and loving intentions, or something similar, and I mostly agree, as many folks of deep faith that I know have HUGE hearts and want nothing more than to truly help another, minus the direct experiences I had with several throughout my youth. I try to not let that cloud the whole scene, but am aware that sometimes I fail.

Could it be that in some (or perhaps many) faith communities more of the overall focus, be it subconsciously or directly, is more on keeping a person aligned with and supporting the ins and outs of that particular flavor of faith/belief rather than it serves to help align individuals with themselves by helping them better understand and believe in self? That's the feeling I was left with in my visits, which were a really long time ago.

So often many folks in leadership positions of all kinds haven't figured out much of their own personal stuff, yet can somehow do well managing and juggling the masks of the professional/formal arenas, and are making many of the same choices daily that keep a lot of us chronically ill, so they likely won't be suggesting or actively demonstrating anything different, or healthily widening our horizons. Ideally we should be able to comfortably reach out, no matter the issue, but unfortunately, it may not always be beneficial for many who do.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Thank you for sharing @TexCat , how did your husband change and become more understandin...

I think the first moment he may have gotten a clue was when he wanted to get a gun and I said I didn't want a gun because even if I learned how to use it, I know that I freeze in dangerous situations. He said, "how would you know? You have never been in a life threatening situation." My response, "so you are saying that having someone clamp down on your neck where you can't breathe isn't life threatening?" He said, "that happened?" He knew I was raped in the past, but he didn't understand that it was more than forced sex until I said that.

It is hard to be open with a man whose listening skills are selective. When I had a really bad trauma loop, I couldn't fake normalcy as easily and that is also when he started to understand a bit better.

It has been a very gradual process.

 

[Justmehere]

I could go into further detail of who has done what in this situation... but it's not really where my focus is at. I've got the boundaries sorted out that I'm going to try to keep with this circle of friends.

I spoke to my therapist about what she said again, and every time I think I understand her, I get lost all over again.

She keeps emphasizing not asking for help - then when I asked how then do I ever have support, she says it will happen but more naturally. I don't know what she means, I'm so confused.

She thinks I'm too independent and that I need support but that I shouldn't ask for support, and not just them, and... I'm lost. The more we talk about it the more I'm confused.

I think I'm totally missing the boat on something.... I'm not saying my therapist is right or wrong but I'm really not getting what she's getting at.

 

[scout86]

She keeps emphasizing not asking for help - then when I asked how then do I ever have support, she says it will happen but more naturally.

This may be no help at all.

I don't ask for help because it's been my experience that it's usually a seriously bad mistake. But, there have been a couple of people who actually have helped. I never asked them. They were there, in my life. We got to know each other and that friendship morphed into a situation where we were available to help each other. And I mean REALLY available. Because we knew each other and cared about each other. If you have an actual relationship, you can fumble around until you sort out what's "helpful" and it will ok, because you know each other well enough to trust that the intent good.

In my experience, those relationships are incredibly rare though. I have the sense that these people, maybe, are looking for a 'project' and the real purpose of the project MIGHT have more to do with letting them feel good about themselves because they're "helping" than it has to do with actually helping.

 

[Justmehere]

I wrote an essay of an email to one of the staff members of the faith community two weeks ago and they just wrote me back to day that this email about the difference of doing life "with" people who are hurting instead of just doing good things "for" people who are hurting was really enlightening and helpful. They want to talk more about how they can do that and what would help them do that more.

It was a wonderful response and also funny. They asked if there is a program or if it's more of an integrated cultural shift.

No, no more programs and projects... let's have people be people... but then how does a community like that get there? Ugh. Wrong question. How do a couple of people, leaders, grow a little more into that?

I have have those friendships here and there where support wasn't a sign up sheet, it was just part of the relationship...

Oh wait... I get it now. I think you are right on @scout86.

Geez this is stirring up so many tears for me and I'm not sure why.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Maybe your therapist is saying this..... true friends will KNOW when you need help and will be there for you. If you have to ask for Support it won’t be given out of true concern, it will be given because you asked and not on the level you will need.

 

[Justmehere]

Yep, I think that's it. It wouldn't make sense for her to advocate for never asking for help, so it's got to be more of getting support in the context of a deeper relationship.

Argh. That's so hard.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think it depends on the person, because I have asked for help and gotten very good help from friends and neighbors. Maybe I just got really lucky I do not know it never happened for me before. I was really sick last winter and my friend drove me to the hospital two different times when I was so very sick and one of the times she also took some money from me and did some food shopping for me and delivered it to my door. She has always been giving and a good friend. I have not needed help most of the time.

Another friend/peer would call me each day to see if I was okay. That meant the world to me. I have been offered help and it never materialized too, only words were given but no follow through. I really think it depends on the person some people actually want to help and although I did depend on others I do not abuse their friendship and I am not saying that you are doing this. It sounds like you have a conversation going right now and that is out of the realm of my experience so I cannot form an opinion on them or what they are all about.

I do not understand what your therapist is trying to say either. I just say use your gut instincts and good judgement and your common sense and see what happens next. Good luck.

 

[Sideways]

Most of my ‘support’ comes from people who I have gradually developed close, trusting relationships with. And your T is right, I don’t really “ask them for help”. Like, ever. But they help me all the time. They provide support by the nature of our close relationship. The relationship, in and of itself, is the support.

You keep describing these people as friends, and certainly your relationship with them seems to be incredibly important to you. But, in being the person they go to for sage advice, being the person who only shares a very controlled part of your life with them, maybe there’s an important element missing from this friendship?

Letting them really get to know you, in a natural sort of way, allowing that to develop rather keeping it closely controlled - maybe there’s a different type of ‘help’ and support there? The concept that “If and when I need help, I will ask for it explicitly...” is a very controlled way of getting support. You control when you appear vulnerable , when you let them in, what kind of help they can provide, all of it. And it’s safer that way. So I get it.

But maybe we just naturally get a different kind of help when we let go of some control, and let our friendships develop? It’s risky, sure. But you might, I think, get a different kind of support from that. Support that doesn’t necessarily require you to specifically ask for help when you decide “I need help”...?

If that makes sense!?