Therapist sent me into a negative spiral

[Fadeaway]

Yesterday was my birthday. I had been anxious to discuss the murder I witnessed a few days before the anniversary of my moms suicide and my suicide attempt on her anniversary having gone 5 days no sleep and my husband telling me he didn't know if he loved me anymore.

She told me my attempt was manipulative. It wasn't. When I could get a good bleed from my wrist doing more damage to my tendons I we for a vein on the back of my hand the slicing an the vein at my elbow, took 60.05 mgs of kolonapin which should have stopped me from breathing and kept my arm in a bucket of warm water to delay coagulation.

I was shocked to wake up a day latter only feeling dizzy.

My therapist went on to tell me she was going to stop treating me with kid gloves, that stunk, probably because I have been to cold to wash my jacket because it is too cold to remove it and I currently don't have weather appropriate enough clothing to keep me warm enough in freezing basement with windows so old the leak and icicles form around the washer. Nor, can I afford to go clothes shopping since our car accident put my husband out of work and we are playing catch up on rent and utilities as a priority. Besides tobacco smoke I was unaware my jacket smelled that bad. Guess I can wrap up in blankets and wash it.

What really set me off those was when she called me materialistic. I pride myself on being a steward of the planet, reducing waste ect. I own nothing valuable enough to pawn and I know for a fact that everything we own except furniture could fit in the back seat of my car because it did during the 3 months we were homeless. I have learned that even the sentimental items I lost in the process mean little in the bigger scheme of things.

So while I already identified as an anti materialist, after my homeless experience ontop of childhood lack, I started identify with it more strongly building my spiritual practices, and using as much non recyclable trash as I can and turning into mixed media art, wind chimes and such. So I don't understand what she means by materialistic.

Also when I asked her if I could have a piece of candy, her response was "well I am not going to stand up and go get it for you. "

So confused but can't stop obsessing on it. I never did get to talk about the intrusive thoughts I am struggling with of seeing that kid get shot in the head and the embaressmet of having my 911 call all over the news and how bad they got it wrong and using my voice to manipulative a false version of events.

 

[Ronin]

Fire that bitch, Fade.

And f everything she ever said about you, thoroughly.

I am usually not as bruised off with therapists that are not my own, but yours very much rates the zero sympathy. She, not you.

What she is doing is unprofessional and way beyond that, downright cruel and cold. About rates the termination (and being reported for unethical practice, and having the right to practice restricted, because if she says this to someone who witnessed a murder? Bloody hell, I don't want to know what she thinks of other crimes.)

You did the right thing with reporting what you saw. That was tough as hell. It does not matter what media made of it, or how they presented it, that is THEM messing up, not you. You did right, and you did it well.
You are not selfish for having needs. (And, being materialistic? In talk lands unaffected by socialist lingo, we just call that having own needs. That is a good thing. One everyone does.)
You are doing damned well by trying to cope, and hanging on the alive side of it.
You are not manipulating people by trying to cope. Not like ppl are handed down guidebooks on what to do with sudden violent deaths. *You are doing all you can.*

 

[Fadeaway]

Thank you Ronin, I just feel so confused, like I am missing something. She did say she wasn't going to see me again until my TBI issues were sorted out. The accident took place in September. it practically march now, not expecting a miraculous over night healing so that gives me time to find someone new, but really needed to talk about the intrusive thoughts and every time I go out side my door I see the spot where he was shot. I go out a different for now on the rare occasion I go outside. For some strange reason there is an upstairs mud room connected to my bedroom that leads to a balcony so I just smoke in the mudroom. My husband never comes near my room any more he sleeps in his office so... But if I mentioned the intrusive thought struggle to him one more time he would move out. He has reached his capacity and I don't fault him for it. We both need more support than what we can offer the other. He has been though hell too.

 

[Ronin]

So sorry you are going through all of that, Fade, and sorry for that loss of life.

(Care and prayers, if wanted.)

You are not missing anything, a therapist lacking basic empathy is the last thing you need right now, and how she chooses to react is not your fault.

 

[whiteraven]

Oh @Fadeaway. I'm sorry. And...what @Ronin said. 100%.

 

[Abstract]

Sounds really difficult on so many levels Fadeaway. I am so sorry. :(( I hope you find clarity about her and the intrusive stuff dampens down.

 

[Muttly]

I can understand why you are confused. I would be. What she says makes no sense unless there's a huge amount of context missing, but I can't come up with any that would make her seem like a good, supportive therapist for you. I am sorry you are struggling so hard. I really hope you find a new therapist and are able to heal from the traumas you are experiencing.