The best part of that experience for me was that it had me looking at myself in a different way. Here I was telling this woman how it seemed to be while I had no idea what was going on with myself. As soon as I spoke to her I thought, “Wait it minute. That applies to me, too.” In a way it was good the doctor said something stupid because it got everyone started, even if by default, in a new and positive direction. Of course we had to address how we treated others, but that would never change if we didn’t first address how we treated ourselves.
In the interest of fairness, the best therapist I ever had once asked me (with reference to why I didn’t speak up when others treated me badly), “What is the payoff?” It took me several weeks to wrap my mind around the question, much less answer it. The answer was that I had so little love in my life I couldn’t risk displeasing anyone and thus losing their “love.” I honestly didn’t know I was being shown disdain, not love. I soon realized I could live without their “love,” thank you very much, and learned to keep company with those who really did love me and treat me well.
Thanks Diana, this was very valuable for me
I am struggling with 'what is the payoff?' I can see what goes on with other's but often cannot see what's going on with me, I am speaking up (now) but when I speak up I dissociate and then the 'boss' gets angry at me for not answering quick enough, he doesn't give me enough time to say something even when I could answer it. He jumps to conclusions, calls someone else an idiot because I quoted what that guy said, I end up not being able to see him. Seconds later I recovered and I could see him in the room. I was chairing the meeting so I kept the meeting going, wish there was a camera so that I could have seen what my mind couldn't accept.
I described that meeting with my T yesterday and came away feeling the T's prickly energy coming at me. I'm feeling confused because there is so much going on and I'm having trouble sorting it out. To start the session yesterday I'd asked the T about his treatment theory, he was very evasive, I said I wanted to go in the direction of 'primary selves and disowned selves' and told him that it was something I felt that I'd like to work with because I could understand it.
He got into some theoretical blitz coming up with long words that meant nothing to me, I believe I was put in my place, he was proving himself the expert (again, I know he's the expert, he doesn't though) I chose not to make an issue with him, he gets very stubborn 'knowning he's the expert' and therapy quickly gets worse. So this time I was geared up for his typical response, I did want to see if he was willing to work with me, interested in expanding his method. No, same old thing, but this time was more interesting I felt his prickly energy coming back at me, so that for me is progress, the words didn't bother me too much because I picked up on the energy that was much more informative. So I came home and ordered the cd's on the work that I'm interested in, having already started it and found realistic value.
So there is progress, a defensive T, stuck on 'his' method, not willing or able to talk about it except in nineteen letter words, out of my reach and avoiding what I want. I read on line about what a good therapist should be able/willing to... wow, I thought he was good, at times he was relatively good, from my experience. Now it's time again, to move on. Two months to go, I can wind down with thoughtfulness and balance, collect what I've learned, reflect on the prickles and observe them in the boss, see if I can see what's going on. I believe I'm putting out energy that is causing this effect, but if the therapist can't understand it, isn't interested in persuing thoughts, it's a bit of a no go situation.
I didn't know that energy could be felt like this and could be used as another source of information, I'm really glad I'm aware of it now because it unclutters my mind, gives me a sense of hope and freedom, there is more to us than we know.
Heather q
