Therapy not on this week after first session last week - triggering week

[Finchlet2]

I have been battling ptsd for six years. I only just got stable enough to commit to group therapy. I attended last week but it's not on this week, I've forgotten why. This week is my clever, kind and just plain epic daughters ninth birthday, when I suffered with more intensive disassociation I could emerge myself in irrelevant stuff like I took myself as far as semi professional boxing before getting sick of punching same on the Olympic rings. Now I live more true to myself and have used that same grit(which seems to be my core for anyone who's watched the giblys) to break down intimacy barriers with my hubby, focus on my rapidly growing Bubb as and what they need from me as a mother and dealing with my phobias of cloths, going into town etc. Trying not to think to much of sorry have to post this unfinished will come back to it

 

[Finchlet2]

Who her father is but that was easier with obsessive distractions. The truth is I don't know. There were eight of them. They held me there for four and a half days although it felt like much much longer. They used snooker cue holders and I tore so she's had to fight for life from conception. I can never tell her she can never know, she never had a father figure before and has just started calling my hubby dad but she already remembers living on the streets with me although cites fond memories and streetwise observations,. I look at my beautiful daughter and try not to search her face for which of my attackers features might give a biological clue. Bracken, epically strong love, if you try to rip her roots out she with tuss you up blud. I pretend to hubby like her birthday isn't as massive trigger as it is as I still have so many confusing unanswered questions and then there is that video. They filmed themselves waterboarding me to send it as a warning to all my friend at the time that we had to vacate the territory their gang was operating in. I feel almost certain I haven't seen the last of that video as everything you run from comes back to bite you on the arse. Then later this month om supporting hubby in court as a dodgy landlord from time ago has been committing identity fraud with his Details. Court is a whole next ting of triggers. I love being a good wife and mum but I'm really missing group this week to process this undercurrent without ruining the vibe at home. Home. Sorry I just wanted to say it one more time cos it's an piff ting. Dank blud. Sorry been enjoying the shift in youth Street terminology lately. In addition to using humour as a defence lol.

 

[Justmehere]

That stinks that the group didn’t happen this week, but glad you are finding a way to share and process. Many kudos to you for fighting through the triggers and dissociation of your daughters birthday. I hope this week gets better. :hug: