Therapy Reevaluation

[Abstract]

At last able to look at this again. I haven't been able to have therapy for around 7 years now. Everytime I tried to look would have dissociative mind blank outs preventing me doing it. My mind wouldn't let me and nothing I did could get past it no matter how determined I was to do so. Just about drove me crazy. Last week I searched therapists online and didn't have a shutdown. Had a panic attack after a few minutes but those I can work with. When first was blocked I analysed the main issues I felt were preventing therapy for me and have worked hard on breaking them down enough for it to be a possibility for me.

Pretty obviously I have become a bit phobic about therapy. Some of that is entirely my doing. Some of it is to do with old habits deeply entrenched - I do things on my own as a habit and don't trust others. Part of it is due to the wrong therapy (for me and some for what I have). Some just possibly a bit of bad therapy. Or therapy by therapist not trained in what I needed. I have learned a lot from therapy in the past, and simultaneously been harmed by some of it in different ways at different times. I was very dissociative throughout and not able to be aware, monitor what was happening and make appropriate decisions. I was also both extremely avoidant of discussing trauma for a long time and in very strong denial.

I am not the person I was. My symptoms are way down from before. I have new skills and new understanding. Its just possible I may be able to do this now. Its also possible I will walk through that door and disintegrate. Something about the dynamic fries my mind. And that's before I get near speaking about trauma.

I am posting this to try to work through what has happened historically and how that potentially affects the possibility of therapy now. I can't contemplate dealing with trauma in therapy at present but am considering the possibility of working through some of the lessor stuff, self care, attachment issues and talking through the ptsd symptoms. I work best when deal with the first step and forget about any other possible ones if am overwhelmed by considering the alternative. I would however like to look at the bigger picture here though. Opinions of what I should be doing long term.

My therapy history not including dr's:
T 1: family therapist entirely unable to get me. She got nothing out of me and I was unable to tell her anything I was dealing with. We discussed the weather. CBT.
T2: Clinical Psychologist well respected and specialising in eating disorders. The issue that brought me to therapy at the time. CBT.
T3: Clinical psychologist CBT. Again was sent to therapy for ED related issues.
T4: Counsellor: CBT and talk therapy: for breakdown and depression
T5: Psychodynamic counsellor. Fairly recently qualified through a charity. Post breakdown. 5 years.
T6: Trauma therapy Clinical Psychologist: Art and talk.
T7: Trauma focused massage therapy.
T8: CBT eating help counsellor and dietician.

I have taught myself many skills including DBT and mindfulness and online support has changed my life. Especially from here. I haven't had much face to face trauma support as didn't acknowledge it for most my life. Was turned down by 2 people post T7 (charities) who didn't want to touch me and what was offered from NHS wasn't suitable. T6 and T7 were time limited but I wasn't told this until my 3rd last session. I was pressured to speak about trauma, trauma opened up without discussing my previous ways of coping and then sent off into the world. Almost didn't survive that as I had sectioned trauma off in my mind dissociatively. The result was extreme. T5 both saved me in a sense (as was away from damaging CBT for me for the first time) and at the same time nearly killed me. She didn't have the knowledge to delve into the things she delved into, couldn't deal with dissociation and had no understanding of it. Some very nasty transference stuff occurred. I learnt so much about myself, connections started being made, and my awakening started but not without collateral damage. Only hint of any real rapport I ever had with any of them was T6.

The other possibility is that I should leave well alone. Symptoms really not bad at present. Trouble is I really have not done a lot of actual excavating of trauma. I have to earn a living so need to try to hang onto being functional enough for that.

What am I looking for?
Open to any observations.
Open to information sharing.
Open to questions.
Would appreciate being asked for clarification before assumptions made if relevant.

Appreciate anyone having the patience to read all that.

 

[barefoot]

Sounds like you’ve done great work in terms of: the work you have done on yourself independently in your years away from therapy; the breaking down some of the walls you’ve had around therapy during that time; the self reflection and analysis that have got you to the point of making this post.

My feeling reading it is that you seem to be intrigued by/leaning towards the idea of returning.

Although I get your point that, if you’re largely doing ok, why not leave things alone rather than potentially risking rocking the boat, I actually think that could be a wise time to return.

You say you wouldn’t want to dive straight into digging around in trauma, which I think sounds wise.

So, perhaps, starting work with someone on non-traumatic stuff when when you’re stable/functioning well will be a good time to dip a toe back in to see if you can find someone you click with and feel you may at some point feel able to do some deeper work with if you choose to.

What was it about T6 that worked best for you, so you think? Something about the T’s personality? Their experience? The art component? Something else?

Is there a different modality you’d like to try? Eg equine therapy?

What’s making you think about returning now? What are you looking for from therapy/the therapeutic relationship?

 

[sunshineandmoonshine]

My questions are the same as @barefoot 's last questions.

Also I think you're very strong and courageous for going back to find therapy that can really help you. I hope you find someone great.

 

[shimmerz]

Somehow I didn't have much of a problem with therapy. I mean, I did in some ways and at the beginning of all of this PTSD stuff. They tried to push CBT down me and it was just making things worse.

From that point onwards I didn't go to a therapist to fix me anymore. That was my job. So I directed the therapists and if they didn't like it I left them.

When trauma stuff was too big or when it was playing out in a way that made therapy a trigger, I went in just to 'chat'. It was more about keeping the relationships with my t's going until I decided to ditch them.

I know what works for me now. I am not ok with a therapist telling me to go into a certain state or screwing with my psyche. It is too fragile. So if they are all about the ego and insist that they direct I am out of there.

Curiosity is the emotion I like to attach to when I go to see the therapist.

So I guess I would ask you .... what would you like a therapist to help you with Abstract? What do you need from them?

 

[grit]

No matter what you do, it is hard to work on attachment issues without attaching to others. I think all the work you did so far are in terms of learning about your boundaries and self-hood. Your fear of therapy is probably a big thing attached to your fear of attachment and intimacy issues. If I am wrong cause of course no one knows what is your in head even yourself all the time, just disregard my take please.

My recommendation to you is try group therapy first and see if that can be prelude to dyad. Another thing that is hard to learn without others involved is also empathy and attunement. and I hope you give that a chance.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you so much @barefoot @sunshineandmoonshine @shimmerz @grit

Barefoot, (hope you are OK by the way) I am open to leaving well alone. But it irks me because I am usually someone who is determined and doesn't want to settle. I'm not usually a quitter. My life is in no way what it was but it is very small. I haven't even managed to tell my husband about the PTSD which is very unfair on him. He isn't very curious obviously as has seen me in flashbacks dissociated etc and my behaviour is... unconventional. This year I managed to start sleeping in a bed again but its been about 9 years that I couldn't, was on the sofa with the lights on, close to an exit door. In truth he is someone who never tries to force anything from anyone, including confidences.

One of the motivations too is that I have seen how the trauma bubbles up at times even with lessor triggers. I never thought I would get to old age but am heading there now. I have a horror of being elderly, vulnerable, with less resources and more medical triggers and becoming very symptomatic again. I have essentially processed a fair amount of stuff in an indirect way but only very little right into the heart of the stuff. Done lots of skills learning etc.

I totally get your thoughts about it maybe being the right time to return. I was so symptomatic last time I did therapy I dissociated the whole way through usually only managing a sentence in the hour. After that I honestly think I would have ended up behind a chair or something extraordinary.

T6 was the first person knowledgeable enough about trauma to understand my reactions and help me with them. She also came at a time when I had started coming out of denial. She was direct but warmer. Unfortunately she pressurised me hard to go into trauma when I could barely speak in therapy so with no real idea of how my brain had dealt with it before or skills I had. Which looking back is I suspect the main reason I ended up in such a crisis state for so long after. I'm surprised I survived it.

What is making me consider this? Mostly the fear of it looming when I am vulnerable and the sense that I am starting to be able to speak about myself without it resulting in me being in danger after.

Thank you sooo much.

 

[Abstract]

Thank you so much @sunshineandmoonshine that's sweet of you to say. Feel like a loser of course but working on that. ;)

Hey @shimmerz Thanks for the input. I am beyond useless at therapy. And yes, that is true before anyone tries to tell me there is no such thing. ;)

The trouble is that I seem to go into a dissociated state where I have no awareness of what is and isn't working at the time. Another reason I am more open to going back is that my dissociation is so much better now that I am very hopeful that wouldn't happen. In retrospect for me personally CBT was bad for me. I can say that from a distance but I couldn't at the time. Most times wouldn't remember what happened during t. Had no emotional connection to what was happening. Emotional states and causes not attached. Therefore hard to tell what is happening and why. In the earlier years. I was already very aware of my faulty thinking and didn't need further push in that direction. I needed encouragement connecting to myself and somehow CBT did the opposite. Then.

I never have seen the therapist as someone to fix me either. Just me fixing me with someone else in the room. ;) But because I was so out of touch with myself and in such denial directing them in a way that was useful didn't happen. Too independent in fact and too little able to trust others. Not good at saying how things are for me. Feels dangerous.

I have a very bad record with therapy when it comes to trauma. Always think I can deal with more than I can. Not very compassionate with myself in the past about keeping myself safe. T5 was totally out of her depth and delved into stuff in a way that was very unhelpful. Although it did start knocking the denial out of me. Up until around this point I would usually look unaffected in therapy. In truth I was usually standing beside myself although I didn't yet have the awareness to question that as something. It just was. Didn't realise about dissociation either.

What do I want now? I don't think I can safely do trauma work on my own more than I have already. Maybe that could change. IDK. I would like to have someone who I can see who will help keep me contained while I do that work and help me manage my limits. Like you I absolutely cannot have anyone again who doesn't respect my input and is too directive. It would be dangerous for me. Can handle all sorts in most situations but not in therapy or while speaking about these things. It needs to be a team thing.

Thank you Shimmerz.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @grit

Yes, I think there are attachments issues there. There is more as well that seems to be trauma related and goes through the roof when I am triggered or hypervigilance increased. Essentially I have always dealt with things on my own. I guess you could say I have the cognitive distortion that People use information about you and any knowledge of weak areas to use against you at some time. Except I don't really believe its a distortion. Speaking, sharing about the personal inner workings of my mind = danger. And yes, Emotional Intimacy = danger. The two are solidly attached to each other in my psyche. Part of my brain would get very violent with me when I tried to discuss what was happening for me in the past. I also historically don't want things to be wrong. Can do the most ridiculous positive distorted perceptions of situations as a result. Some sort of deranged positivity. Bits of denial and compartmentalising going on too.

One of the main things I have been working on over these years without therapy is desensitising myself with this, talking about my real self without negative consequences. Not always being in control, looking fine, doing it by myself. Seemingly fine that is. Not as good at that anyway anymore as the dissociation has improved.

I'm afraid speaking to one person about me is as much as I could bear. Groups are so far away from anything I could deal with in this context I'm afraid.

Thanks so much.

 

[Freida]

Can you think of it as mental health maintenece rather than "therapy"? Kind of like when you take you car for an oil change. It may or may not need one, but you do it to prevent problems in the future. Instead of diving into trauma maybe just an outside review of your current coping techniques and an update on new ones that have come available while you've been gone.

And, should something more in depth pop up...that's ok too

 

[grit]

I am a firm believer that answers are always inside of us and it is just a matter of journey finding them either alone to a point or with another person - therapist or others.

I think you have a great grasp of yourself and perhaps honestly therapy is not good for you and it is good you can hear this loud and clear from your own psyche.

I also healed my attachment issues without therapist but I took advantage of having great many friends that I could be just as vulnerable as I needed until I got over some threshold.

Therapy worked for me only because a) my attachment issues were stabilized. I was not in crisis currently and I had a great support.
Do I think one can survive, recover and be healthy without therapist? Yes 100%.

The amount of self knowledge you have, most people do not achieve that.

I would just caution you that attachment is not just to others to to experiences and to self identifications like I am a bad person therefore I am not taking into consideration maybe you needed to act certain way in certain situations and you no longer need that.

I really wish you great recovery and healing in your own journey.

 

[Abstract]

Hi @Freida

Thank you! Yes I think shall go into it in that mode. Good point.

I am finding myself set off by work dynamics more than I would like. Politics and unhealthy personality types. I have strategies but in truth it sets off symptoms and makes me sick.Thought could start there and the general state of my life as well as reevaluation of ptsd and where I find myself in the now. I have big stuff with my mother about to surface and that could throw me off the edge entirely. Open the door I guess. Thanks again...

 

[Abstract]

Thanks so much grit.

In truth I think I am tired of doing everything on my own. I am just tired all in all. A few years back I started really absorbing that human beings are not made to be healthiest that way. I don't really know how possible it is to get past a certain point healing interpersonal trauma without a witness or help when healing. I truly hate that but I am also at the point where I am accepting it. I want to be resilient and strong and I in fact do care about people. I'm not sure it is possible to get past a certain point perceiving others as untrustworthy without another human being on board in some way or other.

Wanting change and doing it are two different things unfortunately. Thinking and reading and planning only go so far. They go a long way of course. Just not the whole distance. I am worse discussing difficulties with friends or family than in a therapy environment.

Ironically very socially able and in managerial roles from early. Just a whole lot of other stuff beneath that. Trapped by my previous means of coping.

Thanks for your thoughts and good wishes and well done for what you have achieved. Its always helpful hearing others experiences.