nomorechickenlittle
Bronze Member
This is going to be SO long but i need to get it off my chest, get feedback, and support.
I have been seeing the same psychologist for approx 8 years. I started seeing him when I had memories of a sexual assault surface. After the crime victim sessions ran out we had an agreed upon sliding scale set fee. I am not social assistance poor but on a limited income. I was making the definition of living wage but the last few years my income has been at least halved. I own 2/3 of a home with the bank owning the rest. I come from a welfare family of mental illness, alcoholism, addiction, and abuse. I was born an addict actually and spent from 14-21 on and off the streets in addiction, petty crime, or on welfare once i was old enough to claim it.
Finally I sobered up at 21, did a bit of school, got a low level health care job and was blessed enough to score cheap rent for 10 years. My job had a savings plan that i participated in so when i did eventually get evicted i was able to put a small deposit on an apt. as that seemed cheaper than what the rents had climbed to.
Fast fwd 10 years and my apartment had gone up enough that I made a decent profit when I decided to sell. I sold b/c i was sick of my job (burnout/depression), the city, market was right, and felt i had to return to my small hometown so i could care for my elderly mother. The profit, lower small town prices, and good negotiation on my part enabled me to get my current place.
Long story short - I feel i worked hard for where i am, cleaned a lot of shit and was very disciplined in my lifestyle to be able to get a place. At least 80% of what i buy is second hand. My last 'vacation' was a road trip to pick up a used snowblower where i car camped sleeping on the side of the road. But a car of hooligans sprayed my car with rocks in the middle of the night so i broke down and splurged on a camp spot b/c i didnt feel safe.
I feel i need to include this $ situation info b/c it is part of the issue. Just trying to express that I am not living high on the hog here. I spend $ on my place. The only reason I got a deal on it, that I could buy it, is that it needed and needs a lot of work. Probably 90% of supplies I buy second hand driving 8 hours to city and back to scour the used building supply stores to get what i need, only going if i can get a free place to stay and afford the gas and i do all labour that i'm capable of. (which is getting less and less as I'm exhausted and the whole thing has really depleted me physically and mentally) I had some savings that i held back from the deposit that I'd allotted for house supplies/repairs but that was depleted last year and i started withdrawing from my retirement savings with further w/d's coming unless i sell which i may have to.
So within the last 1-2 years (1 yr min possibly up to 2) it's been harder to get appts with my shrink. I used to be on a set routine of regularly scheduled appts but when i moved here 5 years ago I was only working 2 days a week. For last 2 years Ive had set 2 days p/w hours plus i got a casual job. If i dont get hours from the casual job i dont have enough to pay my bills. I borrow from LOC and pay back on next run of shifts i get. The casual job requires that i work if they call me on days i say i'm available or i can lose it.
For 1-2 years my shrink has avoided and/or refused to book me ahead. He said he couldnt b/c he 'didnt know if they (other clients) were moving ahead' I would state that I wanted to move ahead and he would avoid or refuse to book me. he would call with times that would become available and sometimes i could take it and sometimes i was booked for work. I explained to him that as there were only 2 days a week that we could meet i needed to know ahead when i would have an appt so i could book off job availability that day. this was next to impossible. I would call for appts, not hear back, call again leaving emotional messages that i really need an appt.
When i would say that i felt like i was begging for appts he'd say he didnt call back b/c he didnt have anything. I would point out that he didnt have anything b/c he wouldnt book anything. Almost every time i would get an appt i would start off saying that I felt that he wanted to fire me as a client or that he didnt want to work with me anymore. He would just say ' i didnt have anything" I knew that he was busy b/c he only worked 4 days week and was one of the rare ones that would do a sliding scale so i tried to take him at his word.
I got so tired of having to ask multiple times for appts that this last sept i just left one non emotional message that i would like to book an appt. He emailed me back that he "was booked and would get back to me about next week in awhile." he never did. I was really hurt by this, felt really abandoned, that i'd been dumped by my shrink, and i slid into a huge depression for most of the winter. I did not call him about it b/c i was sick of feeling like i was begging for appts and he had last said that he would get back to me. Finally one day few weeks ago it came spilling out in my journal so I thought F it i'm going to email him. here is the thread"
ME: "So just curious how long is 'a while'? It's almost 3 months now and you haven't called me re an opening. I didn't bother asking you for an appt a second time b/c as i've mentioned numerous times i feel like i have to beg for an appt and/or you want to fire me as a client and i'm tired of it. It's too painful. I've felt this way b/c of not being able to book appts with you unless i ask multiple times and being on hold to see if someone else takes it first which really makes me feel of low regard to you. And dont think i havent heard you flipping through your book during our appts. Honestly this has really left me feeling like you dont give a shit at all. Even if i give you the benefit of the doubt that you were busy,that not returning call was an oversight, someone died, you assumed that ididnt call b/c i was fine, i still think that after X number of years that you may have checked in? The ball was in your court at last check. I know if i had a client that i'd told id get back to i would get back to them. So is this your way of ending it? You were pretty clear re (my ex friend) that the 'kindest' way to end was to disappear. Is that what you're doing? It feels like it. i dont know what else to say except it really feels like you dont want to work with me anymore. that's the message youve been sending anyway. If that's the case you could have used your psych training to end it in a better way that would have been less painful and harmful. At the very least I hope you consider this and not do it to anyone else. It's been devastating, one of the most painful hurts ive experienced."
HIM: "
shit
Sent from sorry I fked up. I was waiting for you. Waiting to hear from you and surprised that I had not/ Ithought after offering you a few appointments that you couldnt make and not wanting to hear about (your ex friend) which you objected to that you were taking time out. the pages you heard turning were my book that I draw in when I do phone work it keeps me focused. I rarely give apointment 3 weeks ahead because I dont know who is coming forward. In any event my absolute apologies for any stupid clumsy behavior on my part and sincerely sorry sorry sorry that I hurt you. And of course you are invited to rebook should you so choose.
with regrets and appologies (therapist)"
ME: "Funny that was your perception when you had emailed me That you would get back to me about an opening. I guess you forgot? AnywayThere's still An issue with scheduling.As I mentioned beforeI need appointments booked ahead Unless you're able to do after 4:30 which I know is your prime time 4 Full paying clients. My casual job which I depend on to survive Requires that I be available to work Anytime they call unless I previously booked it off Or I can lose my position. Given that my availability with yours Is only Tuesdays and Thursdays, I don't feel like having an appointment booked once a month During that time is too much to ask. You say it's cuz you don't have An idea of who's moving ahead Which I can only assume it's because You feel consistency And continueality is important With your clients. I need the same Consistency and continueality My life is unstable enough. Being able to get fit feels like a psychological booty call Yeah I'll see you so if so an so's not busy. But I can assume That you must have so much space for lower paying clients and so much for full price So if that's the case just say so But regardless Being fit in as much as I appreciate it Also feels Like I'm lower regard than your other clients. But all personal feelings aside It's just a fact that I have to have appointments booked so I can book off work because if they called me and I didn't take a shift because I have an appointment with you I could lose my position. And that's well and fine if you're okay with me short notice counseling (i meant cancelling) But then that still leaves me without an appointment Or any type of consistency or continueality"
HIM:
"what
ok by the numbers you want an appointment on a tues or thursday and you want that with how much notice and how many times a month?"
ME: "That is relatively what I've always asked for unless i was needing more frequent but in general that was my minimum goal. Being unable to book ahead with you has often prevented that though. I did try and found you often wouldn't pre book as you didn't know if you'd have anything bc the question of whether people were moving ahead. This made it hard to get anything with you as you avoided booking ahead bc of the uncertainty of whether others were moving ahead. I've said this before. Ive said that well i know im moving ahead. Forgive me if I'm taking it wrong but 'what' sounds like you're surprised by this. That's how it's felt on my end. Anyway yes once a month is desired and i do need to know ahead. Thanks for listening "
So we booked for last thursday. However it blew up before it happened. Due to my depression, unmanageability, finances, maybe just plain irresponsibility(?) a few hours before the appt i finally got around to updating my banking and paying my bills. I have not been as manageable/functional this winter due to depression. Maybe SAD? (it's been a harsh winter) Maybe triggered by me feeling dumped by my shrink one of the only supports i felt i had. I'd also not gotten enough shifts this month either and had huge hydro and gas bills due.
LSS i didnt have enough $ period. I tallied up to realize that i had $60 to last 8 days and i needed groceries. Enough for that only. No $ for shrink appt. But it was an hour ish before appt so i didnt call him b/c i new he'd be with a client. When he called before we started i informed him that I was short and didnt have the $ for the appt. He sounded angry and stated "when will you be solvent?" I told him i got paid the next friday and could pay him then. (this had been a normal agreed upon routine with us. I would pay day of if i could which was most of the time, or pay him on my next payday. My payment irregularity was partially due to the randomness of our appts, the randomness of my extra shifts, and the fact that this place and all it entails can cost more than i make sometimes)
He stated "NO, we're not starting out with you owing me you call me when you have the money" I replied "it's already been three months w/o an appt that's a long time." He stated "you're making your financial problems my financial problems" He may or may not have said call me when you have the $. I was getting upset and starting to cry b/c i was floored that he seemed angry and really hurt as i wasnt asking for something that was unusual b/w us. I just squeaked out an "ok" and hung up. I then called him back crying stating that we needed to talk b/c (i was so emotional then dont remember what i said) and I emailed him. Here is the thread:
HIM:
"all you had to do was be available for the appt time and take care of the payment. that was your part. you didnt do it. I admit and own and admited and owned forgetting or having a crossed wire and finding it difficult to make an appointment in the time frames you gave me because I had people in those times. I made this time available you said yes i showed up you didnt show up with the piece you needed to show up with. do I care that you are hurt yes but Im also pissed off for wasting a valuable billable hour I would have been much happier talking with you. ie I was here but you didnt do your part. so lets begin again. call me or email with a time frame for when you think the transaction will be straight forward ."
ME:"I'm sorry but i didnt know i was as broke as i was until an hour ago. You can take that as an excuse but it is a fact. I have 60$ to last the week and yes i know that's not your problem. And you can be pissed about wasting a billable hour all you want that was your choice. i said i could pay you in 7 days and that was not some freaky out of the norm thing and it's not like you dont know im good for it."
ME: "and I can't believe what a prick you were about it "
HIM: "it always comes down to caring with you, whether its your brother, (ex friend), a friend, a room mate ,me. Money when you tell me ahead of time that you could pay later sometimes it was ok but it was never ok ok it was you always taking a little more room or having paid the money for tiles or paint or something not me. and me waiting because yes \I trusted you to pay take care of me. But it wasnt just me that made it hard to make an appointment, it was you that had shifts and limited available time. The money is about you taking care of me. You knew today was coming that money was part of our relationship- your part of taking care of me.You showed up with out it, with out taking care of me,asking me if that was ok. It wasnt! You asked me to understand you were hurting and needed the appointment but you sabotaged it. I could go yes, oh ok take care of me later- I care about you more than I care about me No. I don't. I care about me first. So what I heard was choose you or me. I chose me. I will always choose me and you knowing that are still invited to make an appointment
ME: "Yeah I'm sorry That my life is so unmanageable that I don't have enough money to live on. I'm sorry that I've been in One of the worst depressions in my life since September partially triggered by not being able to book spots ahead with you and really triple hammered into a crushing depression by spending over 2 months feeling like you dumped me as a client. I'm sorry that I didn't have my s*** together enough until this afternoon to pay my bills and figure out how much money I have. I spent most of winter being job functional only. Sorry i had huge gas and hydro bill all at once and insurance next week. Now I know that none of that is your problem you deserve to be paid and I've always paid you except when arranged but to go from 0-60 in one hit, from 'money will never be an issue b/w me and you' to this hardline being unwilling to wait a week is pretty hurtful. At the very least you could have done the appointment and during it discussed new parameters re payments. Especially since that's been acceptable in the past. That's what i would have done anyway. And bring up my reno purchases now????? Wtf? That could have also been discussed regarding new parameters. So is that it? You've been resentful over something you've been accepting of and now just had it? Given i was crushed by your not responding to me timing is pretty bad. Honestly i think you were unnecessarily harsh at best and an ass about it at worst. I cried for two and aHalf hours straight after that and still crying now. I just give up
ME: I give up I give up you said that money would never be an issue Between you and me That was an exact quote.I realize I might have caught you off-guard But as I say I get paid next week.You can't wait Seven days When I have a history of paying you off promptly?!And we have a history of this being ok. It honestly feels like another (therapist) doesn't give a f*** slap in the faceEspecially because I trusted youI trusted that you cared. On top of the past refusing to book me ahead really makes me feel that you dont care. And you cancelAt appointment time?! f*ck you! It hurts so bad To feel like someone you trusted that cared about you doesn't give a f***
ME: "And if it wasn't okay okay that you should have f****** said something.Really hurtful that you could just dumped it out all at onceGo all hard ass out of the blueCan't believe how much that hurt tonightAnd from someone that supposed to help me too"
ME: "And don't you make the appointment issues about me! Yes i had shifts which is Why I repeatedly asked you, begged you to let me book ahead which by your own admittance you would not do because you weren't sure who was moving ahead. I would state that i wanted to move ahead but you couldn't do it which to me clearly implied that 'they ' moving ahead was important to you. I took it to mean that they were more important than me being able to book ahead. How would you perceive it? Me getting shifts was the main reason i wanted to book ahead so i could dedicate a day off for an appointment. Im dissapointed That you would bring up me spending money on the house and implying that I'd make you wait over it bc pretty much false. I feeI that i paid you on time a lot more than I made you wait. When i didn't have the money it was mostly bc i didn't have it. f*ck everything I buy is second hand. It's not like I'm living it up. But that's really irrelevant anyway Because the real issue is that if you had an issue with it you should have said something rather than resent me for it and then dump on me"
ME: "And if you should be feeling resentful/taken advantage of b/c ‘all those tiles i was buying’ i want to remind you that my guaranteed income was only 2 days a week plus whatever casual hours ive gotten. It's hard to survive on that, it's even harder to run a house on that. all those times when i was paying you 2 appts a month that was a lot of f*cking money for me. I valued you to pay more on you than other things. Just so you know you were a regular part of my expenditures. I'm insulted that you make it sound that i was buying other things and making you wait. I cant say that it never happened but i do know that i had paying you in high regard and most often when i was out it was b/c i'd had a dry run of 0 shifts. But again youre right my financial problem is not yours. But yes yesterday i wanted you to wait. It was you or car insurance.. I get it. i do. i appreciate you having boundaries as it helps me but i still think shitty way to go about it and that you were taking out your resentment/anger on me."
ME: "And also that it was also coming from a place of resentment and anger. Bad enough that it was a blind sided firm boundary but that it was coming from resentment and anger makes it seem like you were unnecessarily power tripping in a relationship where there's a possibility of a power imbalance with a person who's been on the losing end of those before. And i also potentially lost a day's work by booking myself off for the day. There I think I'm done now. It wasn't healthy for me to stay silent. Don't get me wrong i understand what and why the boundary just how and why it was done and where it was coming from.
(HIM) "every
everything you say sounds about right."
(HIM) caring
"I care enough to write back. your right it comes from a place of cumulative resentment. My bad. Not yours. My fault not yours. the money wasn't an issue it became an issue when I noticed that I was bothered and didn't say anything,so How were you to know if I pretended to myself and to you by virtue of not saying any thing. You couldnt. You didnt and got blindsided cruelly. By me by my ignorance by my silence and most importantly by my apparent ok ness of going along. Yes you are right. the difficulty making an appointment also had to do with doing things I really didnt want to do and in not stopping that I did you a disservice and I am sorry. Caring? truth I care that you have guts that you stand up to me that you are a terrific artist,that you preserver. and I do care that thru my lack of development, callousness and stupidity I hurt you and created more suffering that I care and apologise for."
So now what? I was SO hurt when he got mad about the payment. I sobbed for 2 1/2 hrs straight and then on and off all night. Made it through work fri, then I got the apology email last night and am still digesting it.
At first i felt really betrayed and angry. Like how long has he been ****ing lying to me? How long have i been pouring my heart out to someone who resented (and possibly disliked) me? The betrayal of trust. I TRUSTED him. I shared my deepest self with him, my abuse, my sexual assault, how i feel about everything.
Then there's the guilt of having had any money at all to spend at all while getting reduced rate. (I feel guilty and ashamed often regardless of what's going on just b/c of past abuse and worth issues. sometimes guilty just for existing) My mother told me my whole life everything was my fault including her behavior and health issues. And what wasn't declared my fault as a child of abuse, mental illness, and addiction/alcoholism I took responsibility for anyway. I struggle with self worth. It was so triggering and hurtful to feel less than his other clients.
I've been on a sometimes rocky healing journey for 23 years now but with very limited therapy due to cost. I still need it but in reality it looks like i am going to have to go without. I know i spent some money on used building supplies and now i feel guilty for doing so even though it was out of savings and all above board. I hid nothing from him.
That is one of the few cards i feel capable of playing to survive; one of the few things I am capable of doing in the immediate- trying to make some $ off this place. My education is limited, i cannot just go to school with all the debt that it entails and also that I find school REALLY triggers my ptsd. The anxiety, panic attacks etc. School is difficult enough but I feel really added burden b/c of the symptoms it triggers. I'm not triggered by used tiles. But the financial stress does trigger me though.
I guess what it comes down to is unless i sell i cannot afford therapy and that's a big decision that i'm not ready for. I don't want to feel guilty for having minimal material things that are norms in society. I'm in healing, it was a rough go until 21 and even ever since in many ways. I deserve a used snowblower! I couldn't physically shovel snow anymore. I guess i shouldn't b/c we had agreed on a rate.
I just wonder what to do now? Although I must admit writing this has made me feel SO much better, it's the betrayal. I feel betrayed. He says "I did you a disservice" NO- You didn't, you ****ing lied to me! I gave him SO many outs. I told him so many times i felt like he was treating me in less regard than his other clients, that i felt he wanted to get rid of me, fire me as a client. He repeatedly said it was b/c he didn't have appts which i would respond that he didn't have anything b/c he wouldn't book anything. I should have walked when the feeling didn't go away but i had so many years invested in the relationship.
And TRUST. I trusted him. When i felt less than and raised it with him and he reassured me that it wasnt that I believed him, i trusted him. I just hurt and felt unliked and uncared for and less than but that has been a thread throughout my life so must have been just those feelings again b/c i trusted him to tell me the truth.
Also I could not afford a higher rate, i could barely afford his reduced rate.
Also credentials. I had somewhat more hope and trust in him as he was a licensed psychologist. He was also the psychologist who I first went to when i was 20 years old and he said that he couldn't help me unless i got clean and sober. (incidentally it fell apart then too due to an appt issue. On booking next appt he offered quite a few different times w/i a few mins b/c of him getting a bit confused with his planner but i did leave office with a date. Next thing I know i'm getting a hard ass phone call giving me shit for not showing up. I had a different time. Maybe it was his fault, maybe mine. At the time i felt like it was his and i didn't go back until 16 years later when memories of the sexual assault surfaced. But i can see how he could have made a mistake and understand the need to be hard assed on accountability regarding street kids) "I care enough to write back" How ****ing thoughtful! You don't contact me for almost 3 months. Then you freak on me for following what has been accepted practice, both causing me immense pain.
On one hand I'm grateful for an apology but on the other hand i feel it is written in such a fashion as it may be to help himself feel better vs me. To me "I did you a disservice' is a non apology. "i'm sorry that i lied to you or I'm sorry that i wasn't honest" would be more genuine. I think it's coming down to trust. I don't even trust that the apology is genuine. The betrayal of trust is huge. Anyway this has helped a fair bit so thank you for reading if you got this far.
I have been seeing the same psychologist for approx 8 years. I started seeing him when I had memories of a sexual assault surface. After the crime victim sessions ran out we had an agreed upon sliding scale set fee. I am not social assistance poor but on a limited income. I was making the definition of living wage but the last few years my income has been at least halved. I own 2/3 of a home with the bank owning the rest. I come from a welfare family of mental illness, alcoholism, addiction, and abuse. I was born an addict actually and spent from 14-21 on and off the streets in addiction, petty crime, or on welfare once i was old enough to claim it.
Finally I sobered up at 21, did a bit of school, got a low level health care job and was blessed enough to score cheap rent for 10 years. My job had a savings plan that i participated in so when i did eventually get evicted i was able to put a small deposit on an apt. as that seemed cheaper than what the rents had climbed to.
Fast fwd 10 years and my apartment had gone up enough that I made a decent profit when I decided to sell. I sold b/c i was sick of my job (burnout/depression), the city, market was right, and felt i had to return to my small hometown so i could care for my elderly mother. The profit, lower small town prices, and good negotiation on my part enabled me to get my current place.
Long story short - I feel i worked hard for where i am, cleaned a lot of shit and was very disciplined in my lifestyle to be able to get a place. At least 80% of what i buy is second hand. My last 'vacation' was a road trip to pick up a used snowblower where i car camped sleeping on the side of the road. But a car of hooligans sprayed my car with rocks in the middle of the night so i broke down and splurged on a camp spot b/c i didnt feel safe.
I feel i need to include this $ situation info b/c it is part of the issue. Just trying to express that I am not living high on the hog here. I spend $ on my place. The only reason I got a deal on it, that I could buy it, is that it needed and needs a lot of work. Probably 90% of supplies I buy second hand driving 8 hours to city and back to scour the used building supply stores to get what i need, only going if i can get a free place to stay and afford the gas and i do all labour that i'm capable of. (which is getting less and less as I'm exhausted and the whole thing has really depleted me physically and mentally) I had some savings that i held back from the deposit that I'd allotted for house supplies/repairs but that was depleted last year and i started withdrawing from my retirement savings with further w/d's coming unless i sell which i may have to.
So within the last 1-2 years (1 yr min possibly up to 2) it's been harder to get appts with my shrink. I used to be on a set routine of regularly scheduled appts but when i moved here 5 years ago I was only working 2 days a week. For last 2 years Ive had set 2 days p/w hours plus i got a casual job. If i dont get hours from the casual job i dont have enough to pay my bills. I borrow from LOC and pay back on next run of shifts i get. The casual job requires that i work if they call me on days i say i'm available or i can lose it.
For 1-2 years my shrink has avoided and/or refused to book me ahead. He said he couldnt b/c he 'didnt know if they (other clients) were moving ahead' I would state that I wanted to move ahead and he would avoid or refuse to book me. he would call with times that would become available and sometimes i could take it and sometimes i was booked for work. I explained to him that as there were only 2 days a week that we could meet i needed to know ahead when i would have an appt so i could book off job availability that day. this was next to impossible. I would call for appts, not hear back, call again leaving emotional messages that i really need an appt.
When i would say that i felt like i was begging for appts he'd say he didnt call back b/c he didnt have anything. I would point out that he didnt have anything b/c he wouldnt book anything. Almost every time i would get an appt i would start off saying that I felt that he wanted to fire me as a client or that he didnt want to work with me anymore. He would just say ' i didnt have anything" I knew that he was busy b/c he only worked 4 days week and was one of the rare ones that would do a sliding scale so i tried to take him at his word.
I got so tired of having to ask multiple times for appts that this last sept i just left one non emotional message that i would like to book an appt. He emailed me back that he "was booked and would get back to me about next week in awhile." he never did. I was really hurt by this, felt really abandoned, that i'd been dumped by my shrink, and i slid into a huge depression for most of the winter. I did not call him about it b/c i was sick of feeling like i was begging for appts and he had last said that he would get back to me. Finally one day few weeks ago it came spilling out in my journal so I thought F it i'm going to email him. here is the thread"
ME: "So just curious how long is 'a while'? It's almost 3 months now and you haven't called me re an opening. I didn't bother asking you for an appt a second time b/c as i've mentioned numerous times i feel like i have to beg for an appt and/or you want to fire me as a client and i'm tired of it. It's too painful. I've felt this way b/c of not being able to book appts with you unless i ask multiple times and being on hold to see if someone else takes it first which really makes me feel of low regard to you. And dont think i havent heard you flipping through your book during our appts. Honestly this has really left me feeling like you dont give a shit at all. Even if i give you the benefit of the doubt that you were busy,that not returning call was an oversight, someone died, you assumed that ididnt call b/c i was fine, i still think that after X number of years that you may have checked in? The ball was in your court at last check. I know if i had a client that i'd told id get back to i would get back to them. So is this your way of ending it? You were pretty clear re (my ex friend) that the 'kindest' way to end was to disappear. Is that what you're doing? It feels like it. i dont know what else to say except it really feels like you dont want to work with me anymore. that's the message youve been sending anyway. If that's the case you could have used your psych training to end it in a better way that would have been less painful and harmful. At the very least I hope you consider this and not do it to anyone else. It's been devastating, one of the most painful hurts ive experienced."
HIM: "
shit
Sent from sorry I fked up. I was waiting for you. Waiting to hear from you and surprised that I had not/ Ithought after offering you a few appointments that you couldnt make and not wanting to hear about (your ex friend) which you objected to that you were taking time out. the pages you heard turning were my book that I draw in when I do phone work it keeps me focused. I rarely give apointment 3 weeks ahead because I dont know who is coming forward. In any event my absolute apologies for any stupid clumsy behavior on my part and sincerely sorry sorry sorry that I hurt you. And of course you are invited to rebook should you so choose.
with regrets and appologies (therapist)"
ME: "Funny that was your perception when you had emailed me That you would get back to me about an opening. I guess you forgot? AnywayThere's still An issue with scheduling.As I mentioned beforeI need appointments booked ahead Unless you're able to do after 4:30 which I know is your prime time 4 Full paying clients. My casual job which I depend on to survive Requires that I be available to work Anytime they call unless I previously booked it off Or I can lose my position. Given that my availability with yours Is only Tuesdays and Thursdays, I don't feel like having an appointment booked once a month During that time is too much to ask. You say it's cuz you don't have An idea of who's moving ahead Which I can only assume it's because You feel consistency And continueality is important With your clients. I need the same Consistency and continueality My life is unstable enough. Being able to get fit feels like a psychological booty call Yeah I'll see you so if so an so's not busy. But I can assume That you must have so much space for lower paying clients and so much for full price So if that's the case just say so But regardless Being fit in as much as I appreciate it Also feels Like I'm lower regard than your other clients. But all personal feelings aside It's just a fact that I have to have appointments booked so I can book off work because if they called me and I didn't take a shift because I have an appointment with you I could lose my position. And that's well and fine if you're okay with me short notice counseling (i meant cancelling) But then that still leaves me without an appointment Or any type of consistency or continueality"
HIM:
"what
ok by the numbers you want an appointment on a tues or thursday and you want that with how much notice and how many times a month?"
ME: "That is relatively what I've always asked for unless i was needing more frequent but in general that was my minimum goal. Being unable to book ahead with you has often prevented that though. I did try and found you often wouldn't pre book as you didn't know if you'd have anything bc the question of whether people were moving ahead. This made it hard to get anything with you as you avoided booking ahead bc of the uncertainty of whether others were moving ahead. I've said this before. Ive said that well i know im moving ahead. Forgive me if I'm taking it wrong but 'what' sounds like you're surprised by this. That's how it's felt on my end. Anyway yes once a month is desired and i do need to know ahead. Thanks for listening "
So we booked for last thursday. However it blew up before it happened. Due to my depression, unmanageability, finances, maybe just plain irresponsibility(?) a few hours before the appt i finally got around to updating my banking and paying my bills. I have not been as manageable/functional this winter due to depression. Maybe SAD? (it's been a harsh winter) Maybe triggered by me feeling dumped by my shrink one of the only supports i felt i had. I'd also not gotten enough shifts this month either and had huge hydro and gas bills due.
LSS i didnt have enough $ period. I tallied up to realize that i had $60 to last 8 days and i needed groceries. Enough for that only. No $ for shrink appt. But it was an hour ish before appt so i didnt call him b/c i new he'd be with a client. When he called before we started i informed him that I was short and didnt have the $ for the appt. He sounded angry and stated "when will you be solvent?" I told him i got paid the next friday and could pay him then. (this had been a normal agreed upon routine with us. I would pay day of if i could which was most of the time, or pay him on my next payday. My payment irregularity was partially due to the randomness of our appts, the randomness of my extra shifts, and the fact that this place and all it entails can cost more than i make sometimes)
He stated "NO, we're not starting out with you owing me you call me when you have the money" I replied "it's already been three months w/o an appt that's a long time." He stated "you're making your financial problems my financial problems" He may or may not have said call me when you have the $. I was getting upset and starting to cry b/c i was floored that he seemed angry and really hurt as i wasnt asking for something that was unusual b/w us. I just squeaked out an "ok" and hung up. I then called him back crying stating that we needed to talk b/c (i was so emotional then dont remember what i said) and I emailed him. Here is the thread:
HIM:
"all you had to do was be available for the appt time and take care of the payment. that was your part. you didnt do it. I admit and own and admited and owned forgetting or having a crossed wire and finding it difficult to make an appointment in the time frames you gave me because I had people in those times. I made this time available you said yes i showed up you didnt show up with the piece you needed to show up with. do I care that you are hurt yes but Im also pissed off for wasting a valuable billable hour I would have been much happier talking with you. ie I was here but you didnt do your part. so lets begin again. call me or email with a time frame for when you think the transaction will be straight forward ."
ME:"I'm sorry but i didnt know i was as broke as i was until an hour ago. You can take that as an excuse but it is a fact. I have 60$ to last the week and yes i know that's not your problem. And you can be pissed about wasting a billable hour all you want that was your choice. i said i could pay you in 7 days and that was not some freaky out of the norm thing and it's not like you dont know im good for it."
ME: "and I can't believe what a prick you were about it "
HIM: "it always comes down to caring with you, whether its your brother, (ex friend), a friend, a room mate ,me. Money when you tell me ahead of time that you could pay later sometimes it was ok but it was never ok ok it was you always taking a little more room or having paid the money for tiles or paint or something not me. and me waiting because yes \I trusted you to pay take care of me. But it wasnt just me that made it hard to make an appointment, it was you that had shifts and limited available time. The money is about you taking care of me. You knew today was coming that money was part of our relationship- your part of taking care of me.You showed up with out it, with out taking care of me,asking me if that was ok. It wasnt! You asked me to understand you were hurting and needed the appointment but you sabotaged it. I could go yes, oh ok take care of me later- I care about you more than I care about me No. I don't. I care about me first. So what I heard was choose you or me. I chose me. I will always choose me and you knowing that are still invited to make an appointment
ME: "Yeah I'm sorry That my life is so unmanageable that I don't have enough money to live on. I'm sorry that I've been in One of the worst depressions in my life since September partially triggered by not being able to book spots ahead with you and really triple hammered into a crushing depression by spending over 2 months feeling like you dumped me as a client. I'm sorry that I didn't have my s*** together enough until this afternoon to pay my bills and figure out how much money I have. I spent most of winter being job functional only. Sorry i had huge gas and hydro bill all at once and insurance next week. Now I know that none of that is your problem you deserve to be paid and I've always paid you except when arranged but to go from 0-60 in one hit, from 'money will never be an issue b/w me and you' to this hardline being unwilling to wait a week is pretty hurtful. At the very least you could have done the appointment and during it discussed new parameters re payments. Especially since that's been acceptable in the past. That's what i would have done anyway. And bring up my reno purchases now????? Wtf? That could have also been discussed regarding new parameters. So is that it? You've been resentful over something you've been accepting of and now just had it? Given i was crushed by your not responding to me timing is pretty bad. Honestly i think you were unnecessarily harsh at best and an ass about it at worst. I cried for two and aHalf hours straight after that and still crying now. I just give up
ME: I give up I give up you said that money would never be an issue Between you and me That was an exact quote.I realize I might have caught you off-guard But as I say I get paid next week.You can't wait Seven days When I have a history of paying you off promptly?!And we have a history of this being ok. It honestly feels like another (therapist) doesn't give a f*** slap in the faceEspecially because I trusted youI trusted that you cared. On top of the past refusing to book me ahead really makes me feel that you dont care. And you cancelAt appointment time?! f*ck you! It hurts so bad To feel like someone you trusted that cared about you doesn't give a f***
ME: "And if it wasn't okay okay that you should have f****** said something.Really hurtful that you could just dumped it out all at onceGo all hard ass out of the blueCan't believe how much that hurt tonightAnd from someone that supposed to help me too"
ME: "And don't you make the appointment issues about me! Yes i had shifts which is Why I repeatedly asked you, begged you to let me book ahead which by your own admittance you would not do because you weren't sure who was moving ahead. I would state that i wanted to move ahead but you couldn't do it which to me clearly implied that 'they ' moving ahead was important to you. I took it to mean that they were more important than me being able to book ahead. How would you perceive it? Me getting shifts was the main reason i wanted to book ahead so i could dedicate a day off for an appointment. Im dissapointed That you would bring up me spending money on the house and implying that I'd make you wait over it bc pretty much false. I feeI that i paid you on time a lot more than I made you wait. When i didn't have the money it was mostly bc i didn't have it. f*ck everything I buy is second hand. It's not like I'm living it up. But that's really irrelevant anyway Because the real issue is that if you had an issue with it you should have said something rather than resent me for it and then dump on me"
ME: "And if you should be feeling resentful/taken advantage of b/c ‘all those tiles i was buying’ i want to remind you that my guaranteed income was only 2 days a week plus whatever casual hours ive gotten. It's hard to survive on that, it's even harder to run a house on that. all those times when i was paying you 2 appts a month that was a lot of f*cking money for me. I valued you to pay more on you than other things. Just so you know you were a regular part of my expenditures. I'm insulted that you make it sound that i was buying other things and making you wait. I cant say that it never happened but i do know that i had paying you in high regard and most often when i was out it was b/c i'd had a dry run of 0 shifts. But again youre right my financial problem is not yours. But yes yesterday i wanted you to wait. It was you or car insurance.. I get it. i do. i appreciate you having boundaries as it helps me but i still think shitty way to go about it and that you were taking out your resentment/anger on me."
ME: "And also that it was also coming from a place of resentment and anger. Bad enough that it was a blind sided firm boundary but that it was coming from resentment and anger makes it seem like you were unnecessarily power tripping in a relationship where there's a possibility of a power imbalance with a person who's been on the losing end of those before. And i also potentially lost a day's work by booking myself off for the day. There I think I'm done now. It wasn't healthy for me to stay silent. Don't get me wrong i understand what and why the boundary just how and why it was done and where it was coming from.
(HIM) "every
everything you say sounds about right."
(HIM) caring
"I care enough to write back. your right it comes from a place of cumulative resentment. My bad. Not yours. My fault not yours. the money wasn't an issue it became an issue when I noticed that I was bothered and didn't say anything,so How were you to know if I pretended to myself and to you by virtue of not saying any thing. You couldnt. You didnt and got blindsided cruelly. By me by my ignorance by my silence and most importantly by my apparent ok ness of going along. Yes you are right. the difficulty making an appointment also had to do with doing things I really didnt want to do and in not stopping that I did you a disservice and I am sorry. Caring? truth I care that you have guts that you stand up to me that you are a terrific artist,that you preserver. and I do care that thru my lack of development, callousness and stupidity I hurt you and created more suffering that I care and apologise for."
So now what? I was SO hurt when he got mad about the payment. I sobbed for 2 1/2 hrs straight and then on and off all night. Made it through work fri, then I got the apology email last night and am still digesting it.
At first i felt really betrayed and angry. Like how long has he been ****ing lying to me? How long have i been pouring my heart out to someone who resented (and possibly disliked) me? The betrayal of trust. I TRUSTED him. I shared my deepest self with him, my abuse, my sexual assault, how i feel about everything.
Then there's the guilt of having had any money at all to spend at all while getting reduced rate. (I feel guilty and ashamed often regardless of what's going on just b/c of past abuse and worth issues. sometimes guilty just for existing) My mother told me my whole life everything was my fault including her behavior and health issues. And what wasn't declared my fault as a child of abuse, mental illness, and addiction/alcoholism I took responsibility for anyway. I struggle with self worth. It was so triggering and hurtful to feel less than his other clients.
I've been on a sometimes rocky healing journey for 23 years now but with very limited therapy due to cost. I still need it but in reality it looks like i am going to have to go without. I know i spent some money on used building supplies and now i feel guilty for doing so even though it was out of savings and all above board. I hid nothing from him.
That is one of the few cards i feel capable of playing to survive; one of the few things I am capable of doing in the immediate- trying to make some $ off this place. My education is limited, i cannot just go to school with all the debt that it entails and also that I find school REALLY triggers my ptsd. The anxiety, panic attacks etc. School is difficult enough but I feel really added burden b/c of the symptoms it triggers. I'm not triggered by used tiles. But the financial stress does trigger me though.
I guess what it comes down to is unless i sell i cannot afford therapy and that's a big decision that i'm not ready for. I don't want to feel guilty for having minimal material things that are norms in society. I'm in healing, it was a rough go until 21 and even ever since in many ways. I deserve a used snowblower! I couldn't physically shovel snow anymore. I guess i shouldn't b/c we had agreed on a rate.
I just wonder what to do now? Although I must admit writing this has made me feel SO much better, it's the betrayal. I feel betrayed. He says "I did you a disservice" NO- You didn't, you ****ing lied to me! I gave him SO many outs. I told him so many times i felt like he was treating me in less regard than his other clients, that i felt he wanted to get rid of me, fire me as a client. He repeatedly said it was b/c he didn't have appts which i would respond that he didn't have anything b/c he wouldn't book anything. I should have walked when the feeling didn't go away but i had so many years invested in the relationship.
And TRUST. I trusted him. When i felt less than and raised it with him and he reassured me that it wasnt that I believed him, i trusted him. I just hurt and felt unliked and uncared for and less than but that has been a thread throughout my life so must have been just those feelings again b/c i trusted him to tell me the truth.
Also I could not afford a higher rate, i could barely afford his reduced rate.
Also credentials. I had somewhat more hope and trust in him as he was a licensed psychologist. He was also the psychologist who I first went to when i was 20 years old and he said that he couldn't help me unless i got clean and sober. (incidentally it fell apart then too due to an appt issue. On booking next appt he offered quite a few different times w/i a few mins b/c of him getting a bit confused with his planner but i did leave office with a date. Next thing I know i'm getting a hard ass phone call giving me shit for not showing up. I had a different time. Maybe it was his fault, maybe mine. At the time i felt like it was his and i didn't go back until 16 years later when memories of the sexual assault surfaced. But i can see how he could have made a mistake and understand the need to be hard assed on accountability regarding street kids) "I care enough to write back" How ****ing thoughtful! You don't contact me for almost 3 months. Then you freak on me for following what has been accepted practice, both causing me immense pain.
On one hand I'm grateful for an apology but on the other hand i feel it is written in such a fashion as it may be to help himself feel better vs me. To me "I did you a disservice' is a non apology. "i'm sorry that i lied to you or I'm sorry that i wasn't honest" would be more genuine. I think it's coming down to trust. I don't even trust that the apology is genuine. The betrayal of trust is huge. Anyway this has helped a fair bit so thank you for reading if you got this far.
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