Therapy rupture part 2

[Skywatcher]

@grit, transference typically presents as much bigger emotional reactions than normal interactions. For example, I don’t think T and I fighting over a trivial boundary should cause me to panic and contact her multiple times and have nightmares. Without transference, I don’t think that I would naturally assume she will leave our relationship and think that all of her kindness over the last two years was a lie.

Also, I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling like I was 9 again after being intimate. Then, the fight with T also brought on similar flashbacks and fears.

Usually being aware of the transference takes away much of its power. I used to not recognize it on my own, but for the last year I have.

 

[Skywatcher]

I emailed her again to see if she had an appointment yesterday because I kept crying. She didn’t have any but told me to think about the “law of mutuality” in relationships. She reminded me that neither of us were feeling good about how the last session went. I think she is basically saying that the care was never fake, it’s not gone and that you can’t have a relationship without both people being part of the connection. I looked up “law of mutuality” both in personal relationships and therapeutic ones. I had never heard of it before but it makes a lot of sense.

 

[hithere]

I said that I wanted two small changes and she said that her gut is telling her that I’m not ready for those. This made me feel that she is continuing to label me as mentally ill in an area that I feel that I have made a great deal of progress. I said that if she doesn’t trust me to be well how can I ever be well. And now I’m thinking it was all trivial and I really don’t need those changes and this whole session was pointless and hurtful. This is what I continue to sit with and she doesn’t have time to work it out

This reminds me of me (It doesn't mean your situation is like mine). However, I want to comment that it does sound like your t is healthy and has an understanding of your ruptures and relationship. The fact that she brought up last year, makes her a superior t compared to my last very mesesd up therapist.

I agree with @Rumors.

I also think you need to give yourself a break. You are doing good. Try giving yourself a "pep talk" Oops: I'm editing now because I just read the rest of the thread. Again, I think you getting a lot out of your therapy, though it hurts like awful. It sounds like you do have a good T. Best Wishes @Skywatcher I've learned some stuff for myself just by reading your thread.

 

[TruthSeeker]

If you think it is transference what do u do with the knowledge? When do u recognize it is transference? What is the difference between your transference and your experience with ur therapist?

My last experience with my T and transference was ugly....because the relationship boundaries were....too loose on her part....so I don't deal with that now cause I got a new T.....but then, it was an embarrassing needy feeling and seemed to be very encouraged on her part in an active way....there is healthy and unhealthy transference....when you can't talk about it-when your T won't talk about it....it can get very unhealthy for both client and T. It did....I left. But I see the need to allow it to happen in a healthy kind of way.

 

[grit]

how do you know her parts were too close?

My last experience with my T and transference was ugly....because the relationship boundaries were....too loose on her part..

Could that be a projection on your part?

 

[Skywatcher]

I had my appointment yesterday. Oddly, I came out of my triggered state the evening before and it continued as I felt a sense of peace. My T was still herself. The one I always knew and sort of trust a little bit. We talked about the conflict and I referred to it as “huge,” she seemed confused. I said, well it was to me because my triggered “parts” assumed you never cared and would leave. She gently laughed because we go through this many times. It’s nice when transference lifts and your therapist is now just your therapist. I told her that I came to realize that when it is time to go (something I currently tend to worry about) I’ll probably have a sense of calm about it, like our working relationship will be just that. She said that it would be such a gradual process that I have control over and that I would feel calm. I told her that her gut was right on the email as well. I’m so prone to transference that it probably would still cause problems with the changes I thought I was ready for. I told her that I also think that I know which counter transference buttons I pushed in her during our meeting. I don’t know if I’m right and she inferred that I have a very good sense of reading people.

In emdr, we worked on my inner nine year old. Not processing trauma, but getting her out of a bad trauma place that she feels stuck. We also moved my protector part to a better safe place as well. If only this stuff would hold long term because I feel at peace and content with life.

 

[grit]

I had my appointment yesterday. Oddly, I came out of my triggered state the evening before and it continued as I felt a sense of peace. My T was still herself. The one I always knew and sort of trust a little bit. We talked about the conflict and I referred to it as “huge,” she seemed confused. I said, well it was to me because my triggered “parts” assumed you never cared and would leave. She gently laughed because we go through this many times. It’s nice when transference lifts and your therapist is now just your therapist. I told her that I came to realize that when it is time to go (something I currently tend to worry about) I’ll probably have a sense of calm about it, like our working relationship will be just that. She said that it would be such a gradual process that I have control over and that I would feel calm. I told her that her gut was right on the email as well. I’m so prone to transference that it probably would still cause problems with the changes I thought I was ready for. I told her that I also think that I know which counter transference buttons I pushed in her during our meeting. I don’t know if I’m right and she inferred that I have a very good sense of reading people.

In emdr, we worked on my inner nine year old. Not processing trauma, but getting her out of a bad trauma place that she feels stuck. We also moved my protector part to a better safe place as well. If only this stuff would hold long term because I feel at peace and content with life.

This is a powerful progress. I am so happy for you @Skywatcher . Wishing you all the best in your journey. It is beautiful when we experience our potential and a bit of clarity.